Have you ever clicked on someone’s relationship status on social media and read ‘it’s complicated’ and wondered what that meant? Is it that they are in a relationship, but things are not going so well, and that’s why it’s complicated? Or is it that they might be in a kind of relationship where the platform just doesn’t have an option for you to click, such as when you’re in a poly relationship? I don’t think any of the social media platforms has the option to say you are in a relationship with ‘x’ as well as with ‘y’.
Saying a relationship is complicated can mean so many things. I’ve had my fair share of complicated ones. You only have to look at my track record — married three times — to understand that. The first marriage was complicated because he was abused as a child and consequently abused his children. However, he only lifted his hands for my daughter once, and screamed that when our son was bigger (he was 7 months back then) he would experience his ‘discipline’ too. I left him, went through a terrible court case testifying against him for physically abusing my daughter and that was that. My second marriage was complicated. I think if I had dated him for a year longer, I might never have married him.
But, those two were not the only complicated relationships I was in. It seems I sort of had the hang of getting involved in relationships that probably shouldn’t have been, or should’ve been only one night stands. Most of those relationships happened between my first two marriages.
There’s the one I had with the soldier. He was young and naive, and where I had children, I was young too and maybe still a bit naive. Everyone, and I mean everyone around me was in a relationship. I wasn’t, and I think I had a bad case of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) because I initiated this relationship, full well knowing it would probably never last. We had the most amazing sex, but he was far too immature to even try to be a dad for my two kids. After some months it ended.
I was back to being lonely. I had my kids, and that was lovely, but the loneliness hit me in the evenings, when the kids were sleeping and there was just no one to talk to. Then, someone returned to my life, and this is the one relationship that never should have been, and the only relationship I ever was in, that I still can’t talk openly about on here. Master T knows; I have told him. But every time I think of sharing about this relationship openly, I back out for the simple fear of judgment. It lasted some months, and it ended incredibly ugly, and since I started this post, I had been to Google several times to see if I could find him.
This relationship was complicated, because I had to keep a secret from all of my family. Yes, my kids interacted with him too, but they never knew that our relationship was of a sexual nature. And sexual it was. So very sexual. The things I experienced with him, the things he taught me about myself, the way he allowed my inner slut to come out to play… those are things I wouldn’t have wanted to miss for the world, but still there is just no way I can openly write about this complicated relationship.
I had another relationship with a younger man. He was serious about life, and did his best to be a father to my kids, and I really thought we would last. However, only many years after the relationship had ended, I learned that it was complicated from his side. He was interested in older women, and I wasn’t old enough. And… he wanted children, and I couldn’t give him any. He was never honest about this towards me.
Then followed the relationship with ‘the domineer‘ where I was abused, mentally and physically and finally got out after 9 months. That was the last relationship in South Africa. The first one I had in the Netherlands was complicated too, and ended after eighteen months. By then I was done with relationships. All I wanted was to live my life, even if I never had a relationship again. Then I met my second husband, and once the marriage was over, I got in contact with Master T.
It took another eighteen months for us to finally engage in a relationship, firstly because Master T didn’t want to be the man in between and he wanted me to get rid of my ‘wild hairs’ before entering a relationship with him. I know realize that he allowed me my ‘slutfest’ period after the divorce, and at the same time he was more or less part of it, because I told him everything. It was during this period that I had a relationship with a married man, which obviously counts as one of the complicated relationships too.
Writing all of the above, I asked myself the question: Why did I enter so many complicated relationships?
I think there’s one simple answer: because I was searching for myself.
Because I was a mom at the age of almost seventeen, and I had a child to care for (two from my 21st), I never went through ‘normal’ relationships, and didn’t learn enough about my own preferences. Also, because I was lonely, I jumped into relationships for companionship, and because I didn’t know myself well enough, I couldn’t make clear — to myself or the man in question — what I want from said relationship. It took me way into the second half of my thirties to understand what I wanted, and to find a man who could give me that.
For many of these mentioned relationships, my status on social media indeed would’ve been ‘it’s complicated’, but thankfully now it just simply says: Married to Master T.
© Rebel’s Notes