“Fuck you,” she screamed. “Just fuck you!”
She stormed up the stairs and threw herself on the bed. Pure frustration raged through her body. Why? Why didn’t he understand what she tried to say to him? When did he change so much? He was always so nice to her kids, but nowadays all he did was to ignore them. Ally stayed in their bedroom until she had calmed down a bit. Back downstairs Jake sat on the couch, watching a documentary on television like nothing had happened. She sat down next to him.
“We really need to talk about this,” she said, and quickly added: “like adults.”
“Don’t worry, I understand. I will do better.”
It was clear that Jake didn’t want to talk. Did he really understand? Will he really do better? All of the previous times they had this fight, he tried, but after a couple of weeks he started ignoring the kids again. She never expected him to be a father to her children. All she wanted was a husband that would at least be halfway decent to them. He wasn’t. For the past two years they’d had this same fight over and over again. After each fight he tried. She wanted to believe he really tried. That he was sincere. That he really wanted to do better.
The times between fights got less. From months they got to weeks, and now they were down to days. Gone are the times when make-up sex helped to put her in a better mood; the nights when he quietly slipped his hands between her legs and brought her to one insane orgasm after the other. The nights when they sat outside on the porch, and he pulled her down in his lap and fucked her from behind. The nighs when he licked her cunt until she smothered her scream in a pillow so she didn’t alert the kids.
No, nowadays she didn’t even want to be touched by him anymore. Sex diverted their attention from the real problem: the fact that he’s not true to his word to do better; the fact that he doesn’t seem to like her children anymore. Back when they dated he was so sweet to them. He brought them presents and took them to the zoo, or out for an ice cream. Looking back on that she now knew that he courted her by being kind to her kids. Worst of all was that she fell for it. For the kindness towards the kids, for the sex and for finally having a man in her life again. Without the kindness, and frankly, without the sex, what did she have?
Ally shook her head to clear the negative thoughts from it. She shouldn’t think like that. There is no way she wanted to end up with a divorce again. There was only one thing for her to do: to keep on trying, to keep on talking to him, to make him see that they can make this work, and can get back to the happiness they had in the beginning of their marriage. He couldn’t have lied about all of that, right? Couldn’t only have been pretending to like her kids?
Only two days later at dinner Ally watched him while they ate. Not once did he look up from his plate. She chatted to her kids and tried to get Jake to engage in the conversation, but he just nodded and returned his attention to his food. Ally tried to pus the image of the previous night from her head; the way he had engaged with his own daughter when she had dinner with them. He asked her about school, about her friends, about everything, and now he just sat there and said nothing. He could’ve asked her kids about their days too, right? She did, and she so wanted him to join the conversation, but he didn’t.
Ally kept her lips tightly pressed on each other for the rest of the evening. Earlier than normal she stood up and told him she was going to bed. Jake immediately switched off the television to follow her upstairs and she knew what this meant: sex.
In the room, the two of them standing on either side of the bed, she confronted him with his behavior during dinner. She said it as calmly as she could. Not screaming; even trying not to sound angry. He said the same things he always did to defend himself; the same meaningless things. Ally forced herself to stay calm.
“Tomorrow I will ask an attorney what I have to pay you.”
Ally heard Jake’s words, but she didn’t understand them.
He ignored her. He undressed, went to the bathroom, came back and got into bed. When she came back from the bathroom, his snoring echoed off the walls of the bedroom.
Somewhere during the restless night of sleep she finally understood his words. He was going to ask an attorney what he has to pay her if they got a divorce. Here she was, fighting to save their marriage, to make something of it, and he just gave up. He betrayed her. Betrayed their marriage. As the night went on, she realized he had betrayed her kids long before that, from the moment he started treating them like unwelcome guests in his home.
It took a couple of days for her to get to terms with what he had said. In those days she realized their marriage had been over months ago, but she had hang on out of shame of what people would think of her if she left him. The weeks that followed they didn’t fight anymore. Ally started looking for a place to live, but it wasn’t easy to find one. A couple of days before Christmas he stood behind her, put his hands on her shoulders and asked: “Do you still love me?”
The rolling of her eyes was audible in her words: “Let’s not go there.”
That was when Jake knew: she was leaving him. He cut her out after that; threw all her clothes in the spare bedroom and locked the main bedroom. He alternated from telling her to fuck off to begging her to stay to crying that she was going to financially ruin him. Ally finally found a place to live in the next town, and left only with the things she had brought with her when she moved in. She could’ve asked him to sell the house and demanded half of the money, but she didn’t. She gladly closed the door on this chapter of her life, and moved on.
This is a true story. I was Ally, and Jake was my second husband.
© Rebel’s Notes