I didn’t think I would write another post about my grief after mom passed away, now almost two years ago. I mostly have my grief under control. Not a day goes by without me thinking of mom in some or other way, but the tears don’t come that frequently anymore.
Last weekend, I had a wee breakdown. Not because of my grief for mom, but because of something stupid. We are on our first semi-annual vacation at this moment and have been since the 29th of May. On Friday night we had a talk about my son wanting to buy a bicycle and it was mentioned that I can drive all over the place with him on Saturday, looking for a bike. I asked if it could also be done during this week, but also understood that he wanted the bike as soon as possible, as it will save him a lot of traveling money. Still when halfway through Saturday I got the message from him that he did want to go to the stores, I started to cry. We still had to go do some shopping and since Master T can currently not drive, I am doing all the driving, and I was really not in the mood for all of it. All I wanted was to stay home, hide behind my laptop and just do my own thing.
I said as much to Master T, immediately felt guilty, and then sat at my desk, wondering where the hell my reaction came from. And then I remembered.
Just three weeks before that, just before the second weekend of May, I also had a breakdown. And two and half months before that, in late February, I also had a breakdown. Both of those times, all I wanted was to be left alone, to just get through the days and then, when one specific day has passed, to get back to ‘normal’ again.
Late February was my birthday.
The second weekend of May was Mother’s Day.
On 4 June 2019 my mom would have celebrated her 72nd birthday.
It’s not like I consciously think of these days and then immediately think of how much I miss my mom. No, those are days when I plan ahead to go to her grave, except for Mother’s Day, because she cared as little for it as I do.
I don’t notice that I start to withdraw from those around me.
I don’t notice that my resilience is thinly spread.
I don’t notice that my mental health is taking a hit.
I only notice when it’s too late, when I snap at someone, or cry about stupid things because people around me are demanding to much from me. I am always willing to help my husband and my son and I feel like a bitch when I am like this; when I snap at them because they are asking for my help.
It was only after Mother’s Day had passed that I questioned my feelings, and realized the same had happened with my birthday. The moment my birthday had passed, I felt a lot better, stronger. The same happened after Mother’s Day. I was back to my normal self again. Had I not realized back after Mother’s Day that this happens to me with important days approaching, I wouldn’t have recognized it last weekend, with my mom’s birthday approaching. I wouldn’t have been able to tell Master T where all this comes from. I wouldn’t have been able to apologize for the harsh words I have uttered, about me always having to do the driving and sometimes just wishing I could choose what I want to do and not do what everyone else expects of me.
He understood. He understood the way he always does. He hugged me. He comforted me. He dried my tears.
Of course, as I sit here, writing this post, I wonder if there is a way to avoid feeling the way I do when these important days approach. Is there a way to prepare for it; to avoid the meltdown? What happens is a totally subconscious process. Maybe there is no way to avoid it, and maybe people are right to say that eventually it will get better, that things will not hurt as much anymore. I don’t know about that, and I guess time will tell whether they are right or not.
What I do know now, after last weekend, is that not only I, but also Master T will be aware that the meltdown can happen, that I need to take extra care of myself and my mental health, until the ‘upsetting day’ has passed.
My grief seems to always be slumbering under the surface, overwhelming me at the most unexpected times, but also making me shut down when it hurts too much. As time goes by, I will learn how to handle it. It might always overwhelm me, but at least it’s easier to handle when you know what the trigger is.
I brought flowers to mom’s grave on Tuesday, cleaned the gravestone and talked to her while I was there. On Wednesday the fog cleared some, but it took up to Thursday before I was back to my normal self again.
Until the next important day approaches…
© Rebel’s Notes