When I saw the subject ‘A Near Miss’ it immediately made me think of relationships; of the kind of relationships you look back on and where you think: thank god those went nowhere. As I thought about this, three, possibly four relationships came to mind.
Back in my uniformed days and as a non-commissioned officer, I had a couple of ranks below me. Some men didn’t sign up for military service, but had to do the compulsory two years. One of those men was William. A young guy, five years my junior, but… so damn sexy! I flirted with him, he flirted with me and before I knew, I had a hot relationship with him. Fuck, I remember that one day when he harshly threw me on the bed, dropped his pants and fucked me only for his own pleasure. I was madly in lust with him, but once I started thinking about the future, I knew there was no way he would fit in. It was all about lust, not about love. I tried to break it to him very carefully that it would never be more than only fucking, and that’s when he started getting mean. Once he didn’t get his way anymore, his personality seemed to change. Despite my ongoing lust for him, I ended it, and relief flooded in.
Also in my military years, I had a best friend. She and I were both single, and we both worked in the same department. Our commander just happened to be man not much older than we were, and the major was the same. The commander frequently had BBQ parties at his house, and then he invited the entire department. She and the commander had eyes for each other, and it took me a while to realize the major couldn’t keep his eyes off me. He was an interesting man. A man with a strict appearance, fulfilling the rank he carried on his shoulders in every way possible. It was at one of the BBQ parties that he continuously stood close to me. I didn’t mind. I actually liked his attention, and I liked it even more when he told me to follow him inside, without anyone noticing of course. He was waiting for me in a bedroom, and things got quite heated then, but he just couldn’t go through with it. I met his wife at one of the BBQ parties some weeks later, and realized I had dodged a bullet (thanks to him) for not entering any kind of relationship with him. She would’ve ruined my career.
I was single again and started working at a company where everyone seemed to be one big family. I was the outsider, but one of the men in the shop paid me more attention than anyone else. He talked a good game and was funny, and it just so happened that we always ended up at the coffee machine together. There came a time that we met after work, kissed and fondled and wanted more. He invited me over to his sister’s place, where we sometimes spent the night together, and fucked. It was sexy and care-free and fun. Sometimes he visited me at home, but mostly we met at his sister’s. Then, one morning at the coffee machine, he told me that he was going to ask his wife for a divorce. I looked at him, and I think horror was written all over my face. We saw each other after work that day, and I told him that he couldn’t just leave his wife. That they had children together and that he had to try to save his marriage, but that I knew he couldn’t do that with me in the picture. I ‘graciously’ stepped back, but I actually did it because the moment he told me he was getting a divorce, I realized he was only fun when he was ‘unavailable’. Yes, I know, terrible of me, but that’s how it was…
After the major and before the colleague, the domineer happened. I wondered whether I should include him here, but then decided to do it anyway. He was terrible. He courted me like no one ever did, made me fall in love with him and then only reminded me that he was married. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but the only way I could do it (he demanded) was to have sex with his wife. He demanded his wife and I should fall in love with each other. When things didn’t go the way he wanted, he used his kind of persuasion: physical abuse. Twice I called him out on the terrible man he was; twice I ended up with marks, one of them still faintly visible today. There was a time his wife seemed to be my ally, but then she used all the information I shared with her against me. By then I was living with them, and my life turned into some hellish ‘adventure’. When one night he stood over me with his hand raised, ready to show me ‘his kind of love’, I knew it was over. I had to get out. I did. Only three weeks later, and three weeks after that I had a nervous breakdown, after having been mentally and physically abused for nine months.
The above are all near misses. As I wrote those words and remembered the times I was with those men, I sigh with relief that I have left them behind, and haven’t entered in any kind of long term relationship with them. I don’t even want to imagine what my life would’ve been like, stuck with a man who was fun, but not really relationship material. I don’t say these men were bad – except for the domineering one (he was vile) – they were just not the right men for me.
© Rebel’s Notes