I have written about gratitude before, where I expressed the ways in which I am thankful for my family, my health, my strength, my creativity and the person I am. I feel that the newest prompt for the Erotic Journal challenge is asking me to expand on the latter.
In terms of your erotic life, what are you most grateful for? Who are you most grateful for? Are there parts of your body (or your lover’s) you are most thankful to have or feel or use? Have you had experiences (good or bad) that you are grateful for because they led you to today?
I am going to be very selfish here, and say that the person I am most grateful for with regards to my erotic life, is myself. During my life, I have done so many things in regards to my sex life, and I have learned a lot. Not all of those things have been done at the right times, but they happened and they taught me a lot about myself.
My first sexual experiences happened when I was too young, and not because I had chosen them to happen. Despite it being abuse, I had never felt threatened, and I had not suffered any trauma because of it. For this I am thankful, as I have seen and read what it can do to people, when they are left with a trauma because of childhood (sexual) abuse. I consider myself one of the lucky ones for not having a trauma, but I will never play down any experiences someone else had.
I will never say that I am thankful for the sexual abuse, because what happened is just wrong, but one thing it led to was me touching another girl for the first time. I was attracted to her, but only many years later did I learn about ‘bisexuality‘.
There were other discoveries in my life, and it seems most of them were discovered in relationships that shouldn’t have been. I was in a relationship with a couple where he was the one making the decisions for us, and I liked that, up to the point where he started abusing me. I liked his control up to a point; I never liked his jealousy. In another relationship with a man who actually only started something with me because he wanted a maid, I discovered my love for anal sex. Up to that point I had never felt anal stimulation, and once I did, I was sold.
I’ve taken my chances in life. I have had one night stands that I now look back on and know I shouldn’t have had them. There were men I had sex with and now I shiver thinking I did it, and not only once, but several times. I even had sex with an ex (my first husband) because in my mind our sex was always good, and since I had been single for quite some time, and needed good sex again, I agreed to meet him. Bummer, the moment we were together I remembered: boring! I guess time had sugarcoated my memories of our intimate time together.
Sex with an ex, sex with a man many years younger than me, sex with a married man, one night stands, lunch time sex in the backseat of a car, sex with a colleague, sex in a sauna, sex with a woman. I have done all of it, and in all my years and through all my experiences, I have come the sexual creature I am today. I know the ins and outs of my body, know how to make the pleasure last long, and know how to get myself off quickly. I know which kinds of touch I enjoy; know how to direct a lover to my sweet spots. I have learned that I find my piece in submission, while still being the strong person I am.
Looking back at the 43 years since my very first sexual touch (the abuse), I smile when I think about myself as a sexual being. I am proud of the journey I’ve had, even though there were hard lessons along the way.
I’m aware that I have answered the questions of this prompt in a more general way, but am thankful for this brief journey along the history of my sexuality, and love that even though I know so much about myself, I am still learning more every day, especially with our current circumstances. I’m strong, and I will find away to express my sexuality in a way that not only works for me, but for Master T too.
© Rebel’s Notes