I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.
~ Anaïs Nin
I can actually stop there. Just leave the quote there, and let this post be. It says everything I want to say. Everything.
I am a strong woman. I have been through many hardships in my life – teenage pregnancy, physical abuse of my daughter by my first husband and consequently a divorce, a single mom for most of my children’s young lives, being physically abused by someone I trusted, immigrating to a new country with two young children at my side, another marriage and a divorce, a father who pushed me away because of the teenage pregnancy… and that’s only to name a few. I have come through all that and where I definitely don’t look at myself in the mirror every day and say that I am strong, I know I am. I just never think of it. I am strong and ambitious, a hard worker, intelligent enough to talk along with people who know much more than me.
I am all that, and I am as submissive as they come. I need a dominant man in my life. A man who loves me for who I am, who wants me to make my own decisions, but a man who also wants me to live by his rules, and accepts my submission.
In my first marriage I had no idea that I was submissive, but looking back on it, I see the signs. However, when the abuse happened, I instantly left him. No one touches my kids. No. One. Even in my second marriage I had no idea I was submissive, but I know how much his spineless behaviour irritated me. Whenever there was decisions to be made, he left those to me, with the words: “It’s your day.”
Up to today I despise those words. Master T sometimes teases me using them, and he always gets a very angry look from me.
In the beginning of my marriage with Master T I still didn’t know I was submissive. He did. Looking back I think he coached me to understand my own nature. There was kinky play long before our D/s commitment was made, and pain… pain he wanted me to handle. When we made our commitment rules followed.
He has a quiet kind of dominance. Master T is not a Dom who would constantly remind me of my rules. He says things once and expects me to remember it. If necessary, he will correct me, sometimes only with a look. Master T takes the lead in everything, even now with his health not being good. Very little happens regarding our D/s, but even so it’s still there. He still puts my night collar on me every night, not because I want it, but because he wants it. And because he wants it, I want it too. He still takes decisions, even though I am the one looking out for him wherever we go.
Sometimes it’s difficult to define just how Master T’s dominance materializes, simply because he is always himself, and in his ways there is a dominance. It’s the kind of dominance I want, and yes sometimes I kick against it when he makes a decision I don’t like, but in the end I know he’s right and I go with what he has decided. If you put him between other dominant men, you will probably see him as the least dominant person of them all. It can be because he’s not big and strong, because he’s disables and uses a walking stick. Don’t let that fool you though.
I still smile when I think of Eroticon 2013 and we saw people in the sex blogging community for the first time. Someone back then literally exclaimed when they saw him: “I thought he would be much bigger.”
A man doesn’t have to be big and strong to be a Dom. Dominance comes in so many forms, and judging someone on what (s)he looks like never words, because you will always be wrong. Master T is a strict Dom, and a sadist, and I’m sure many people who has met him and saw his gentle ways, will doubt these words, but those who have gotten to know him better will know that he’s gentle indeed, but firm too.
With our D/s on the back-burner, I miss his dominant looks, miss the times he checks in with me when I had a task, miss his ‘harsh hands’ on me when he brings me to one orgasm after the other, and then draws another from my body when I beg him to stop.
I can’t imagine myself having anyone else as a Dominant. That said, what I can imagine is to have someone else as a Dom, with the approval of Master T. If Master T ever indicates that he can’t be my Dom anymore, there is one of two options – either he ‘lends’ me to another Dom, or we completely stop with our D/s and go back to ‘just being married’. We have always said that our marriage is our base, and D/s is something to enrich our marriage. I can continue without him as my Dom, but not without him as my husband.
© Rebel’s Notes