What have you done sexually that you would never do again?
I love how these questions of the Erotic Journal Challenge make me look (back) at my sex life, almost scrutinizing it to find the answers.
When I saw this question, the first thing I asked myself was whether there was anything I regret. Was there something I had done in the past that I regret I had ever done? The answer to this question immediately was ‘no’ but still two things came to mind that I would never do again. Even though I don’t regret doing either of them.
The first of those two things is having sex with a colleague. That happened after my last divorce and in the first year I was in contact with Master T. Back then neither of us were ready for a relationship, even though I thought we were. But both of us had come out of a broken relationship and Master T had rightfully said that I should find my own feet first before engaging in another relationship. He didn’t want to be the man in between. He wasn’t. A colleague of mine was.
He had problems in his marriage and because of that, his eyes began to wander. He was cute and handsome and confident all poured into one package of a man barely taller than I was. I got to know his sister too, and actually had the hots for her, and she for me. He and I fucked in her house, when he lied to his wife after ‘visiting’ his sister and having ‘drunk too much to drive home’. We did the same at my place – fuck – but during daytime when the kids were in school. Master T knew if all of this, because that was actually the first bit of control I gave him: to always tell him of all my sexual activities, because he wanted to know.
I enjoyed the freedom I had. Yes, occasionally I thought about the colleague’s wife, but mostly being with him was just that: being with him. No strings attached. I especially enjoyed the times we were at his sister’s place, simply because she was there too.
Then, one day, I woke up. It was when I met him at the coffee machine at work and he told me he was going to leave his wife. It must have been the way he said it, but suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I felt trapped. Claimed. Suffocated. I told him that he couldn’t just leave her; that he had been married to her for so long that the least he could do was to try and save his marriage. I told him that he and I should stop; that all his attention and energy should be given to his wife and family. The friendship I had built up with his sister by that time lasted for about another year, and in all that time he was still with his wife, trying to salvage his marriage. Then I lost track of all of them…
The second thing that came to mind was that I would never again be ‘forced’ to fuck a woman I don’t really like.
This dates back to my last year in South Africa, when I got in contact and fell in love with a dangerous man; a married man. It’s interesting that both the things I would never do again involves married men. This one in South Africa was a domineering man, not to be mistaken as a dominant man. He manipulated everything and everyone to have his needs met, only his. And when things didn’t go the way he wanted, he physically abused those close to him.
By the time he told me he was married, I was so much under his spell that I didn’t even protest. I just accepted it. By then he knew I identified as bisexual. He actually ‘selected’ me because of this fact, and that’s why he ‘courted’ me. He told me that if I loved him, I should have sex with his wife. He also said that only very special women would do this, and that I am very special and that he hoped he didn’t misjudge me, because if I didn’t do it, he would be very disappointed about his own misjudgment. By then I had met her, and even though she wasn’t my cup of tea, I had sex with her because I loved him. Now, looking back, I know I never loved him. He manipulated me. I was afraid of him.
I will never be involved with a married man again, or any man for that matter, where I feel they claim me, or they manipulate me. I easily trust people. but I have developed a radar for those who claim or manipulate, and where I easily trust people – too easily – those are the two kind of people I don’t allow close to me. Thankfully in this I have Master T to protect me from those kind of men, but also my own common sense. Where I believe in ‘never say never’, this is definitely something where I say: never again will I be in a relationship with a married man!
© Rebel’s Notes