Have you ever been embarrassed to ask your partner for something sexually?
I am always shy to ask for something sexually, except when I am in the throes of passion, then the words seem to fall from my lips and asking (sometimes even ‘demanding’) is a lot easier.
But, this question is not about being shy, but being embarrassed to ask for something. The short answer to the question is: yes.
If I remember correctly, it was a couple of years into our relationship and not long after we have made our D/s commitment that we were looking at different toys and I saw a speculum. I felt an immediate pull and really at that moment wanted to ask him to order it with the rest of the stuff, but I was… embarrassed. How could I ask for it? What would he think of me? I mean, those things are for medical exams, not for sexual play. Of course I knew how silly the thought was, as I was looking at an online sex shop, but still I couldn’t get the words out. I so wanted him to stretch me open, to look and touch deep inside… no, I just couldn’t ask.
Cue a couple of months later, and the speculum popped up in a conversation. It was one of those moments where I knew I should’ve spoken up earlier, because so many times in the past it has happened that Master T and I had the same interests; the same kind of kinks. He was interested in using a speculum on me, and words tumbled from my lips how much I would like that and how months earlier I was too embarrassed to tell him how much I actually wanted it. The speculum was bought, and the rest is history…
Now you should think that over the years I have learned not to be embarrassed to ask something, but I am. You see, there is something that I am embarrassed about today. It’s not as much as asking him for something, but discussing it with him. I am embarrassed to admit to him that I have been thinking about asking him to deviate from the rule that we are always together, and that I might seek a boyfriend/girlfriend to have sex with without him being present. And then again, another thought has crossed my mind: is that what I really want? I love the rule of us always being together and it really has always worked for us, and I think it’s part of the core of our relationship.
To be really honest, I don’t know exactly what I want, how I want this situation to be solved (obviously I want him to get better and have LOTS of sex with him again, but until then…) and that makes it even more difficult to ask him anything. I miss sex, and I want a lot more sex, and I feel like I am missing out on a lot at this moment. I am embarrassed to discuss this, and the first time I tried, I totally fucked up the conversation by not using the right words, feeling frustrated that he didn’t understand me and I cried my eyes out. All I could tell him is that ‘I need more attention from you’, which sounded so lame, because that’s not what I wanted to say. And I didn’t want to cry.
I have no idea how to get over this embarrassment. Telling him I miss sex and the thought has crossed my mind to have sex with others, makes it sound like I don’t think he is good enough anymore. Just writing that makes me flush with embarrassment. How can I, with everything that’s going on with his health, want to talk about my own wants and needs? Yes, I know so many people has said that my wants and needs are important, and I know it is, but I find it so damn difficult to speak up. Partly because it makes me feel like a terrible person to bring this up now, and partly because I don’t even know what I want.
No, I do know what I want. I want our sex life to be back to ‘normal’ again. Now I know it will never get back to where it was, but is having sex a couple of times a month so much to ask for? Is it too much to ask him to make an effort?
And yes, I know the answer to that is ‘no, it’s not too much to ask’, but still I feel embarrassed to ask… it’s a bit of a catch-22 situation. I need to find a way to address this, and maybe writing down my thoughts is the best way to do it…
Postnote: A couple of days after I had that first conversation with him, we had another conversation and my words were more clear then, but still not as clear as they are in my mind. He understood. Really understood. The next day I told him that I feel like I should apologize for the conversation, but he said I don’t; that there’s no need for an apology. After that conversation, things seem to be slowly changing…
© Rebel’s Notes