Concluding April’s Masturbation

Continued from… More Mindful Masturbation

Day 25 – part 2: “So you are going to London tomorrow…”

I was already half asleep, but excitement must have been evident in my voice when I answered him.

“And I will be sleeping alone for two nights.”

I once again confirmed what he said, and when he put my night collar on, I immediately gave him a goodnight kiss and turned over on my ‘sleep side’. Normally he pats my bottom lightly through the duvet, but now he slipped his hand under the covers and started kneading my bottom.

I knew what this meant. He wanted sex. I should have been delighted, but I wasn’t. Dark, ugly thoughts that had reared their heads about two weeks before, now popped up again. I always have to submit to his will. Well, I guess that’s the submissive way, right?! I should be delighted. But, this was different. Since both of the kids will be leaving home within a year, I want us to think about moving to a smaller place so it’s easier for me to keep clean. He doesn’t, so I just let it go. I want a cleaner to help me keep the house in order, since he can’t help me anymore, but he doesn’t , so I let it go. When the kids are gone and we have less expenses, I want to cut back from four to three days of work, but he says it’s not possible, so I just let it go.

And there I was, having been missing his touch for so long, just accepting that it is what it is, and now, because I was going away for two nights for some ‘time off’ I desperately need (and he approved this and future trips), and suddenly he wanted sex while I was almost asleep already? Why couldn’t it have happened when I hinted at it, the way I always do, and he just ignored it? Why should I again just submit?

Because I am his fucking submissive, that’s why.

I fought with myself. My mind was a mess. By now his hand was between my legs and when he ordered me to spread them, I did. I wasn’t even wet, and no matter what he did, or how hard I tried to quiet the voices inside, I just didn’t get wet. It hurt. I told him. Told him how hard I struggle to get myself to an orgasm when I masturbate. Told him that the less sex we have, the more it seems like my body is broken.

“Shhhh,” he quieted me.

“My love,” I said, “I need you to understand, I feel like what I want is never important. Sometimes I feel like my needs are forgotten, even though I totally understand your situation. I give you all the room you need and I always will but sometimes it’s just so damn hard and sometimes I just want things to happen the way I want them to…”

I didn’t mention moving or the cleaner thing or wanting to work less. He must’ve thought it was only about sex. He told me he understood while slowly circling my clitoris, and he even made me climax once. Not a big, earth-shattering orgasm, but that must’ve been because of the one I had earlier. He kept on trying for more, but we both gave up.

That was when my tears started flowing. I felt so mean. So selfish. A total bitch. He told me that it was okay, that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. We went to sleep, and when I woke up the next morning I sat on the edge if the bed for a while, still a bit ‘in shock’. I went downstairs where he was waiting with his sweet and loving smile. I apologized for the night before and once again he said I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and that he understood.

Day 26: This day went by without an orgasm, but filled with hard work, getting everything ready for my trip to London. Once I was in the bus, and we made the trip between Hazeldonk and Calais, I pulled my coat over me and even considered touching myself as everyone was sleeping, but I didn’t.

Day 27: Did I have an orgasm today? No, I didn’t. Did I have an ‘orgasmic’ day? Fuck, YES! I spend the day in London with Molly and it was amazing. We walked the walk and talked the talk and there was enough left in us to repeat it all over again, but I had to get back to the bus for the return journey. At Eroticon 2019 I said I wanted to make this trip a couple of times during the year, and this weekend was the first one, which I spent with Molly because I got so little time talking to her at Eroticon. The next trip? That will hopefully happen in 2-3 months and then I want to see as many people as possible, all in one place!

Day 28-30: Not one of these days did I have an orgasm or even attempted to wank. I returned home very early on Sunday morning and slept until almost 1pm. I was tired and my muscles really ached, and Monday it was even worse – the muscle pain that is. I thought about an orgasm on Tuesday, wriggling my ass for Master T, hoping he might follow the same ‘procedure’ as he did on Thursday night before I left for London, but he didn’t. Because it was so close to midnight, he put my night collar on me and I turned over to go to sleep. That was the end of Tabitha’s #30DayOrgasmChallenge.

Conclusions

Looking back on the past month, I have noticed three things:

  • I don’t get as wet as I used to;
  • I have much more difficulty getting to an orgasm;
  • It seems that the Womanizer and porn is my go-to when I feel the need for an orgasm (thankfully the need still is there).

The first two things might both happen for the same reason: menopause, or the fact that we are almost not sexually active anymore. I had hoped that the month of April will get me back to wanking regularly again, but with Master T’s head ‘not in the game’ I have found this difficult. However, some things are about to change in May, because of the new rules that we have discussed. I hope to get more conscious of my own orgasms again, and will have to start using other toys too, for my body to be reminded of other sensations again.

Something else I have learned during the month of April is that it’s not all about performing anymore. I have grown into giving myself the room, about being mindful of what I need, whether it’s an orgasm or sleep or just some downtime. This is one of the reasons why I have taken the London trip, to have some time for myself, and more London trips will follow. I want to stay mindful of myself, of my needs, and just like I have spoken to Master T recently, I want to keep an open line of communication to him, for as far as possible with his medical condition.

Thank you, Tabitha, for setting the ‘challenge’ and giving me the possibility to get ‘in touch’ with myself again. I needed the little push in the right direction.

© Rebel’s Notes

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6 thoughts on “Concluding April’s Masturbation

  1. Ahh Marie, it’s always such a privilege to read your posts, your honesty and generosity in what and how you share is beautiful.
    Thank you, I wish I could hug you x x I hope we can meet up soon. I am so glad you got your trip to London x

  2. Wow, I’m at a loss for words. I admit I did cry. I understand the frustration of the internal war and the havoc it can wreak on you physically. I’m still there, my SO tries and tries but sometimes I just can’t let go. You have so much on your shoulders, I’m so glad you got to enjoy your trip to London.

  3. Day 25 makes me want to cry for you, and I also know that struggle — warring with what you usually want, what you want in the moment, and what you think you’re supposed to want. Submission certainly isn’t always easy (as well you know). And also, you’re not at ALL a bitch or awful because you have your own needs and they’re not being met. Talking about them has to be part of the solution, whatever that solution might be. (((HUGS)))

  4. Day 25 part 2 made me want to cry – even before you wrote that your tears started flowing. This is a hard one. I felt really sad for you in this conversation and I think you deserve to be heard.

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