I Feel Like A Bitch…

I have always put others first. I think it’s embedded in my DNA to do that, and I have never ever questioned it… until maybe this year.

In the past months the question what about me? has frequently crossed my mind, and every time those words materialized in my head, I felt deeply ashamed and pushed them away.

When I saw the prompt for this week’s Food for Thought Friday, I knew I wanted to explore that thought some more. In the last weeks I have written Failing Bodies and The Carer Needs Care and I didn’t want this post to be about that again. Okay, essentially it is, but it’s looking at the situation from a different angle. A selfish angle. A place where I put myself first.

This is hard for me.

I am not used to putting myself first. My life is filled with moments where others came first, and I eventually hit a wall and wondered: what about me? Mostly it was only when the depressed feelings hit me that I realized I had forgotten about myself.

This time it’s different. This time I recognized those feelings… almost on time.

What about me?

So many thoughts go through my mind. Will I be able to live the rest of my life with the little sex we have? One thing I will say up front before anyone has the thought: I will always take care of Master T and I would never go around his back to get someone else to fuck me. Frankly, I don’t think I will ever find someone I trust the way I do my husband. He really is the love of my life. Even so, the question does come to mind: will I just settle into this almost sexless marriage or will I eventually have a talk with Master T about our sex life and maybe have a… fuckbuddy? The answer to that? I just don’t know. I don’t know how I will feel about it a couple of months or years from now. I just don’t know.

What I do know, is the answer to another question: will I be able to be the sub of another Dom? The answer to that is an absolutely unwavering NO. Like I said earlier, there will never be another man I can trust the way I do Master T. I would much rather give up my submission (for as far as that is possible) than to enter a different D/s relationship. The only thing I would consider is to submit to another person with Master T present, and under his watchful eye.

But even with this, I have that question: what about me?

He still is the one making all decisions and it’s fine, but I am the one constantly caring for him, and I have come to the realization that I need time out. I need time for myself. I went to London to see Molly because then I could get out of ‘caring mode’ and I did. I need to do that more and I will. But still I have the question: what about me?

I want him to pay attention when I make a remark about touching me. And not by just touching my arm or touching my back, or mock moves at my breasts or crotch when we are somewhere public, but I want him to touch me when we are in bed. And not once in every three months, but on a more frequent basis. I know it might never ever be what it was – two to three times a week – but if only it can happen somewhat more than now, and not only when HE is in the mood once in the two or three or four months. Sometimes I just want him to  set all his pain and everything else bothering him aside, and adjust to my wishes. Fuck, that sounds so selfish. I can’t believe I wrote that, but frankly, it’s the truth. I do think like that at times, and the moment I do, I push the thoughts aside, because I feel so mean to think this. But sometimes I just want it to be about me. Only sometimes…

This is only one thing, but like this one, there are other examples I can name. Other things I want to be about me occasionally. Sometimes. Once a week, a month, every three months…

It’s hard for me to write this. To admit to myself that sometimes, only sometimes, I feel a bit neglected. Like I am not important. Like my needs are not important. Like only the needs of others are to be tended to. Sometimes, I just want to not have to think about anyone else than myself.

And I feel like a bitch for admitting that…

© Rebel’s Notes

Food for Thought Friday

8 thoughts on “I Feel Like A Bitch…

  1. It can be so difficult to be honest with ourselves about the needs we have, especially if we are the submissive in a D/s relationship. Sure, we always need to prioritize ourselves, take care of ourselves, to be able to be at our best. But how do we weigh needs and wants in comparison to what we give in a relationship? I can understand that it can be hard to voice or even accept your own needs when you see someone you love (and are submissive to) struggle. It gets uncomfortable when relationship dynamics change, but it doesn’t mean that needs can’t get met. Just as much as you want your partner to be happy, your partner wants you to be happy too (hopefully!). I can understand that you feel like you are a bitch for having certain needs and not being able to push them aside, but that is a feeling. You are human, and your needs and wants matter. I hope that you and Master T can find solutions together, so your needs can be met and he still feels secure in his position in your dynamics. <3

  2. When you spend so much time caring for others, it is never wrong or selfish to admit that you need care too, and to ask for it. You are a wonderful, honest and open person with a huge heart. Keep being you.

  3. I have been there so many times and totally understand your feelings. You are not alone in these thoughts about the need and then feeling bad about it. But we are all human, have needs that need to be met to make us happy and we really shouldn’t feel bad about them. We need the courage to speak up about what we need and be confident that the one(s) we love will understand and work with us, along with making sure we take care of ourselves as well. xoxo <3

  4. You know how on an airplane during the safety talk they explain that parents should put their own air mask on before attending to their children? I think that can be used as a metaphor for a lot of situations in which focusing on oneself is also an act of caring. You can’t be good to others if you’re not taking care of your own needs, you will burn out. Touch is important. You deserve it!! I know that you will find a way to figure out what to do. I hope you keep writing and finding the support of friends while you work up your courage. Master T loves you and there is nothing bad about having needs. ?

  5. ((((HUGS)))) I know I’m not the only one to think it so let me add my voice to the chorus — you’re not a bitch. You’re human and you have your own needs that should be met. That’s healthy and normal and natural. There’s a reason we’re told to put our own oxygen mask on in a plane before we help someone else. We can’t help anyone when we haven’t helped ourselves first. I hope you get more travel days and that you and Master T have the conversations you need to have about everything you mentioned here and more. ((((HUGS))))

  6. You want things and you have needs, there is no reason to apologise for that. I think we can all see by the way you have written this, that you feel bad because you give so much love to others.

  7. It takes a strong person to care for someone else. I always worried/worry about the toll caring for me takes on MrH.

    A few years ago we went through a period where MrH was struggling, he was constantly tired, and I was mentally low. When I would reach out he would simply kiss my forehead and tell me he was tired. At the time I was very overweight and I perceived this to be the reason. In my mind he no longer found me attractive and this made my mental state worse.

    Intimacy in a relationship is important and to me that includes having sex.

    I don’t think you’re being selfish, I think you’re allowed to want things for yourself.

    Take care ?

  8. Bless you Marie. You are definitely not a bitch, I don’t think anyone who reads your blog and your honest accounts of these things would ever see it that way. We have to look after ourselves so we can look after others and sometimes that means taking a step back from being their carer. I can’t imagine how tricky it is to balance your sexual needs when the person you are caring for is also your sexual partner, if any one can work through it succesfully though I reckon it’s you and Grand Master T xxx

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