I have always put others first. I think it’s embedded in my DNA to do that, and I have never ever questioned it… until maybe this year.
In the past months the question what about me? has frequently crossed my mind, and every time those words materialized in my head, I felt deeply ashamed and pushed them away.
When I saw the prompt for this week’s Food for Thought Friday, I knew I wanted to explore that thought some more. In the last weeks I have written Failing Bodies and The Carer Needs Care and I didn’t want this post to be about that again. Okay, essentially it is, but it’s looking at the situation from a different angle. A selfish angle. A place where I put myself first.
This is hard for me.
I am not used to putting myself first. My life is filled with moments where others came first, and I eventually hit a wall and wondered: what about me? Mostly it was only when the depressed feelings hit me that I realized I had forgotten about myself.
This time it’s different. This time I recognized those feelings… almost on time.
What about me?
So many thoughts go through my mind. Will I be able to live the rest of my life with the little sex we have? One thing I will say up front before anyone has the thought: I will always take care of Master T and I would never go around his back to get someone else to fuck me. Frankly, I don’t think I will ever find someone I trust the way I do my husband. He really is the love of my life. Even so, the question does come to mind: will I just settle into this almost sexless marriage or will I eventually have a talk with Master T about our sex life and maybe have a… fuckbuddy? The answer to that? I just don’t know. I don’t know how I will feel about it a couple of months or years from now. I just don’t know.
What I do know, is the answer to another question: will I be able to be the sub of another Dom? The answer to that is an absolutely unwavering NO. Like I said earlier, there will never be another man I can trust the way I do Master T. I would much rather give up my submission (for as far as that is possible) than to enter a different D/s relationship. The only thing I would consider is to submit to another person with Master T present, and under his watchful eye.
But even with this, I have that question: what about me?
He still is the one making all decisions and it’s fine, but I am the one constantly caring for him, and I have come to the realization that I need time out. I need time for myself. I went to London to see Molly because then I could get out of ‘caring mode’ and I did. I need to do that more and I will. But still I have the question: what about me?
I want him to pay attention when I make a remark about touching me. And not by just touching my arm or touching my back, or mock moves at my breasts or crotch when we are somewhere public, but I want him to touch me when we are in bed. And not once in every three months, but on a more frequent basis. I know it might never ever be what it was – two to three times a week – but if only it can happen somewhat more than now, and not only when HE is in the mood once in the two or three or four months. Sometimes I just want him to set all his pain and everything else bothering him aside, and adjust to my wishes. Fuck, that sounds so selfish. I can’t believe I wrote that, but frankly, it’s the truth. I do think like that at times, and the moment I do, I push the thoughts aside, because I feel so mean to think this. But sometimes I just want it to be about me. Only sometimes…
This is only one thing, but like this one, there are other examples I can name. Other things I want to be about me occasionally. Sometimes. Once a week, a month, every three months…
It’s hard for me to write this. To admit to myself that sometimes, only sometimes, I feel a bit neglected. Like I am not important. Like my needs are not important. Like only the needs of others are to be tended to. Sometimes, I just want to not have to think about anyone else than myself.
And I feel like a bitch for admitting that…
© Rebel’s Notes