What are your thoughts (hopes… fears… expectations…) regarding sexuality as you age?
The first thing I did when I read this question was to look at my hands. Why my hands? Because that’s where you can see my age. I have my mom’s hands. About five years ago, maybe a bit longer, I started noticing that I have wrinkles on my hands, in the same ‘pattern’ as my mom had, and her mom too. I have very little to no lines in my face (probably due to being somewhat overweight). And of course, when I look at my legs, I see cellulite that definitely is ‘appropriate’ for my age, and I also have a tummy, which is something women who are around 50 start getting.
Do I mind all these signs of aging? Not at all. It’s not that I like getting older, and sometimes the thought crosses my mind that I am probably halfway through my life. Sometimes the thought is darker: if I get to the same age as my mom did, I have less than 18 years to live. Thankfully, that’s a thought I don’t have much, but I would lie if I said it never crossed my mind.
So many things happen when you get older. You only have to read my posts for The Menopause Diaries to see some of those things, and I have more posts that I should write on the subject of menopause. But, there’s more than only the menopause when you get older. There’s eyesight that gets less (about two years ago I got permanent glasses), your hearing can get less, joints can start to ache, memory that starts lacking, your resistance to illness gets less and if you get sick, it takes longer to get better again.
The question, however, was about hopes, fears and expectations when getting older.
No one can stop the aging process, but I expect to be able to age in a rather ‘normal’ way, where I do have some aches and pains, have to take pills for some conditions (I already do for some chronic stuff), and where I notice that I am not as strong (physically) as I was twenty, even ten or five years ago, I am in good health and hope to continue this. I am exercising, watching my diet (of course with the occasional piece of cake) and go for frequent medical checkups. I expect to continue this way for a long time, because if I only look at my mom and grandmother, I know I come from a line of strong women, and I believe I can benefit from looking after myself.
Of course one of my expectations is to have sex until the day I die, which is probably not very realistic, but a girl may dream, right!
Of course I have my fears. I think we all do. One thing I really fear is to experience the same my mom has, where she learned she was ill and five and a half months later she passed away. I hope that if I ever learn to be as ill as my mom was, to have a longer time to say goodbye, or at least have a fighting chance, something my mom didn’t have. Another fear is to lose my eyesight. I can live with losing my hearing, but not my eyesight, as losing the latter will mean I can’t read or write anymore. Of course I know there are ways to go around it, but I prefer to have my eyesight.
Another fear is dementia. I have heard horror stories (in own family as well as in close circles) about this, and I am seriously afraid of losing my memory. Ever since I had my burnout in 2012, my memory is not as good as it was, but the idea of dementia really scares me.
I think my biggest fear about aging is for Master T to pass away before me, and that I have to live on without him, and at the same time I am afraid to pass away before him, because who is going to take care of him?
I hope that one day, when I am 80 and in an old-age home, or even when I am watching the outside world from behind my own window, I can think back on my life and know I have done everything I wanted to do, and then some. I hope I reach the age of 80, or at least 83, which was my grandmother’s age when she died. If I am really honest, it would be cool to reach the respectable age of 90, in relatively good health. Another thing: I hope that when I reach a higher age, I can still travel to see friends. And most of all, I hope that when I sit staring out the window and look at life happening outside, I can turn back to my laptop and continue writing this blog!
© Rebel’s Notes