Sleeping Together Apart

Last year we renovated our bedroom. It was on the list for years before we finally took action. Everything we had in our bedroom were things either Master T already had when I moved in or that I brought with me, or things we bought to solve a problem of not enough space for clothes and such. To say the least, it was messy, as the furniture pieces didn’t fit together and we still didn’t have enough space for everything.

So last year we pulled everything out — furniture, the old wallpaper and the wooden paneling that had been on the walls for 30 years. We had the room painted white, had new carpeting in and of course we had also bought new furniture. The furniture was a bed, 20 centimeters wider than our previous one, two huge floor to ceiling closets that covered one full wall, a set of drawers and two bedside tables, each with two drawers. All furniture is a dark, dark brown and our floor is red, just the way I wanted it all these years.

The biggest change must have been our bed.

For all these years we have slept on a double bed, 140 centimeters wide, and under one duvet cover. Master T snores heavily at night, but for that I started using earplugs, which helped, up to the moment he started snoring in such a way that the mattress sometimes ‘vibrated’. This woke me up and then I couldn’t get back to sleep again. Then there was his leg. I sleep on the side of his amputated leg, and the more problems he got with it, the more his leg spasmed at night, which caused him to lift the duvet cover up and allow cold air under the duvet. Then when he lowered his leg again, wind would ‘blow’ from under the covers. This didn’t only wake me, but made me feel cold too. There were many nights when I took my pillow, went downstairs and slept (uncomfortably) under the fleece blanket on the couch.

Some colleagues advised me to have two mattresses and two duvet covers, but I never wanted to do it, because obviously that would mean things are not well between Master T and me, right? I constantly protested against their advice, while getting more and more tired (literally) from being kept awake (unintentionally) at night.

Then came the time when we had to order our new furniture. I asked Master T what he wanted, and he said that I should decide. I think it took about two weeks before I finally made the decision. I ordered two mattresses, two duvets, and several sets of single bed duvet covers.

Our room was done in May 2018, and ever since not one night have I slept on the couch! I hear him snore, but just a gentle push and he turns over again. Once I sleep, he can snore all he wants, because my earplugs keeps the sound out. Any vibrations there might be during his snoring don’t wake me up anymore, because of the two mattresses. Any restlessness there might be in his leg at night, doesn’t disturb my sleep, because of the two duvet covers. I tuck mine in around me and sleep, sleep, sleep, and he tends to tuck himself in too, when he’s not restless. Each having our ‘own bed’ but still sleeping together in a double bed frame has been the best decision I could ever have made.

As for sex… well that is no problem either. The edges of the two mattresses in no way prevents either of us from rolling over to the other to do whatever. Some nights I lie with my head on his shoulder and I don’t even notice the edges. I have specifically chosen mattresses with rounded edges, which helps with this.

Making the bed is a lot easier too. I could never get our duvet cover done when we still had a double bed, but now I can easily change everything myself, without having to ask Master T to come help me.

And obviously, each having their ‘own’ bed and own duvet never meant that there is something wrong with our relationship. Sleeping together apart is the best thing we could have done to make sure we both get a good night’s sleep, and I can recommend it to any couple who has similar ‘problems’ to what we had.

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© Rebel’s Notes

Wicked Wednesday

10 thoughts on “Sleeping Together Apart

  1. I found reading this a huge relief, because I snore, and it makes me feel super un-ladylike and I wonder if any man will tolerate it or whether it will just put him off. So I like reading about different sleeping set ups that work for different couples. I’m glad you’re sleeping better – you deserve good rest! xxx

  2. I’ve often wondered if I could ever have one of those beds with two mattresses and whether it would feel weird — both to try to be close to one another (we definitely snuggle a lot while we sleep) but also if it would make us feel “separate” in some way. I appreciate this perspective because it lets me know that likely wouldn’t be the case for us at all. 🙂

  3. I’ve talked to many couples who love each other deeply but sleep in separate rooms for various reasons. I’m totally not opposed to that as I’m a super light sleeper so even the slightest movement means I wake up.

  4. Sleep is so important to our health – mental and physical. Two mattresses and duvets seems to be the perfect solution.

  5. Great idea that I am so glad is working out for you and a much better night’s sleep! I am typing this as my snorer is next to me in bed, well, snoring away! i gave up on ear plugs many years ago and now he has a cpap machine that I encourage him to put on when I am ready to sleep. We have thought about the dual mattresses and the single duvets……. thanks for sharing how it works well at your house! Windy

  6. I don’t write about this, though maybe I will in the future… But my spouse and I not only have separate beds; we have separate bedrooms.

    Medical equipment – the kind he needs/uses overnight, every night – is not conducive to shared sleeping spaces.

    We find time for snuggling in one bed or the other, as well as for sexy stuff and for daytime naps. But actual overnight sleeping is something we do separately, and the choice to do so has saved our sleep, our sanity, and – honestly – our marriage.

  7. I am a firm believer that our spaces should perfectly fit our needs and movements or they need to be changed. It’s amazing how long we will live with discomfort and inefficiency! Im so glad you got that worked out. Sleep is important!?

  8. I’ve read a lot about this lately- many sleep experts say it’s the healthiest way to sleep for two people. I’m glad it’s worked for you! I hate broken sleep…

  9. There is nothing more important than a good night’s sleep. And whatever you have to do to ensure that is worth it. It makes everything else in life more bearable.

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