And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
We all have to take risks at times, but sometimes we take risks and only realize afterwards that we have done so.
I love sex.
I have always loved sex.
I grew up in the late 70’s and was a teenager in the early 80’s. My first child was born when I was 16; my second at 21. I was married for the first time when I was 20; divorced by 22. Once divorced, I had one night stands, short ‘relationships’, flings, you name it.
Condoms were never used.
After my second divorce I had my slutty period too, but then most of the men demanded that condoms should be used, and in hindsight that was a good thing. You see, I came to a point where I realized I had fucked up. That I was stupid not to use condoms, especially since I knew about AIDS. I knew the dangers. I even lost a friend to AIDS, and have seen what it did to his body.
There came a moment when I thought about the risks I had taken back in my younger years, and the risks I kept on taking by not using protection. Deep down I knew there should have been signs already. Signs that would’ve alert me if I had been HIV positive. But still, my mind went into a panic. I went into a panic. I panicked so much that I had myself tested. The test was negative, and actually I had to go back for a second one, but I never did. That was about 17 years ago that I did it. Ever since Master T and I started ‘playing’ with others, condoms were used. I guess I finally am a sensible adult.
Reading Anais Nin’s quote again, I think back on my teenage years, and the times I had unprotected sex. I was raised in a very conservative way, and sex was a huge taboo (except that it wasn’t, but of course us kids never knew better back then). If I think of those times, I think what I did was to break out of the ‘walls’ my parents – more my father than my mom – have built around us. Obviously they only wanted to protect us, but it was done in such a suffocating way that we – no I, as I can’t talk for my brother – broke out and did things we knew we shouldn’t do. I needed to have sex with someone. Needed to explore. Needed to experience. Okay, I went to far by deciding I want a child while I was so young, but taking the risk to do that, and at the tender age of 16 deciding that I will not give my child up for adoption but raise her myself, was quite a brave decision. Back then I didn’t realize that the entire experience made me stronger – made me blossom – but looking back I realized it did. I have never been someone who just give up. I’m a go-getter.
I do things I believe in, and I do them with a passion.
If I had remained “tight in a bud” I wouldn’t have doen the things I believed in, wouldn’t have followed on with the passion I feel, and I wouldn’t have blossomed. I wouldn’t ever have understood just how strong I am, even though it took others to point it out to me years later, and only now, into my fifties, I see the places where I had been the strongest, even though at the time I thought I was SO weak.
Sometimes we need to step out and do the things we are afraid of. Like when with both my previous marriages, I was afraid to step out and be alone with the kids, but I did, and it just made me stronger. Okay, it was definitely still not a good (or brave, or clever) thing I did when I had unprotected sex in the time that HIV/AIDS was on the rise, but so many other things I did was brave. I broke away from the tight bud and allowed myself to blossom.
I am proud of the flower I have become; of the person I have grown into.
I have taken risks. I still take risks. I still break away from the tight bud, and blossom whenever I can!
© Rebel’s Notes