Failing Bodies

Some time ago I left this comment on Feve’s post If problem persists, please contact Technical Support at 1-800-GIV-0FUX.

I don’t know where to start on my comment…
I have never once, after seeing the question and posting it as a prompt for Wicked Wednesday, thought about the failing human mechanism of the body as part of technical sex. Oh gosh Feve, I have so much to say about this, living with a man who is seeing his body failing him a bit more every day, and my trying to support him as best as I could, denying myself things I would love to do/experience, because his health and getting him better (for as far as that goes) is now much more important than anything I want. But at the same time I know damn well that I am not getting younger, and my mechanism will eventually start to fail too… there are already a few cracks…

I can’t remember whether anywhere in a blog post I have ever told you what Master T’s medical situation is. Now I don’t feel this is my place to tell you, but I can tell you a bit more than just that he has ‘problems with his leg’. Master T is an amputee and has been for 40+ years. Up to September 2016 he had the ‘normal’ problems amputees can have, with pressure points caused by his prosthetic leg becoming infected or during the warmer summer months, the stump being irritated due to the warm weather. In September 2016 a new problem started. Pain, broken skin, crusts, infection and the tip of the stump being a bright dark unhealthy red. Also, his prosthetic leg wasn’t good anymore. They made a new one, and we thought the problem would be solved.

It wasn’t. From October 2016, when he got that leg, until halfway through 2018 he had six new legs in total. This is not the normal procedure as patients are eligible for new prosthetic legs every three years. Except when there are problems, and problems there are. He’s been to several dermatologists and that’s where we were in January 2019, with a new dermatologist and a new therapy about to start. We are three months down the line, almost four, and we are only half a step further. He’s on his third different medication since January, and where the therapy seemed to have some effect after about 15 treatments, now it seems to get worse again.

Ever since December 2016 Master T can’t drive anymore. Part of this had to do with panic attacks, which he had worked through with a psychologist the same as he has worked with her through a bout of depression. Not being able to drive means not being able to go to his work, but he is still working from home. Now, after two and a half years, obviously his employer is getting nervous about it. Where this will end, we don’t know. Will the therapy help eventually? What if he loses his job? What if he’s never without pain again?

Obviously, all of this has its effect on me too. I am doing all the driving. I accompany him to all his health appointments. When we go for grocery shopping (he insists in going with me as otherwise he will only be home), I drop him in front of the store and then go find a parking spot. Any shopping that has to be done at other shops, I have to do. Most of his appointments are on Wednesdays, which is my day off from work, and sometimes I have appointments too, which means the original goal of my Wednesdays — to write and be busy with my blog — is not reached.

I am not complaining. This is something I do for the love of my life, and I will keep on doing it without any hesitation. I believe in ‘for better or for worse…’

But, it’s not easy.

People try to help by suggesting things Master T can do. The thing we hear the most is that Master T should use a wheelchair for a couple of weeks/months to allow his leg to heal. Yes, this is a solution but no, it’s not a solution. If he starts using a wheelchair, chances are he might never get out of it. He started using a walking stick in the early months of 2017 to aid him in his walking, and that was going to be temporary, but we now know it’s permanent. It’s a psychological process someone has to go through to take a step back and admit that there are some things you can’t do anymore. This is how Master T explained it to me: it’s a process, and he will only use a wheelchair when he is ready for it. Something he hasn’t said but what I think is happening in his head, is a kind of fear to be more disabled than he already is. He knows that I will gladly walk behind a wheelchair if that means he has no pain anymore. But using a wheelchair is no guarantee.

failing bodiesLike I said in my comment to Feve, I am not getting younger, and there are already a few cracks in my mechanism. In the past two years I have suffered from vertigo several times, and thank god the last time I did, the doctor performed some magic and (knock wood) it hasn’t returned. I have no idea where the vertigo comes from, but suspect it’s stress related because of the ongoing situation with Master T. As for traveling, I wish we could do that more, but until Master T can walk properly again, our traveling is limited to going to Eroticon. When we travel, I am the one toting around with the baggage. This year I made it easier on myself, as we bought a new backpack which held both our cameras and my laptop, instead of having different bags for those. It was so damn heavy, but I did it and I am glad I did (even though I took only three photos with my camera while in Camden).

There are so much I still want to do in my life. I have this thing I am starting to do at the end of this month, and hope to do a couple of times more this year. I know I have been secretive about it, and bear with me a bit longer, as eventually I will tell you all what I have done, and will do again. It will give me a bit of a time-out, where I will be out of ‘caring-mode’ and able to ‘recharge’ my batteries.

Regarding our D/s, I have sent Master T a long message and gave him time to think about it, but I am getting a bit impatient as I really really really want to know his thoughts about what I have said; what I have suggested.

We are just taking things day by day but that’s not always easy. Master T is an incredibly patient and rational person and has this ability to literally take things day by day. Yes, he thinks about the future, but he doesn’t get stressed the way I do. I need to know what my future holds, need to be able to plan at least some things, but with Master T’s condition this is not possible. It might never be possible again, and this is something I need to get used to. It’s not easy… but positivity and perseverance go a long way.

© Rebel’s Notes

Wicked Wednesday

21 thoughts on “Failing Bodies

  1. This was an extremely powerful read and I really appreciate your openness about these things. I think it’s very important for these experiences to be out there, especially for all of the folks also going through medical and/or clinical struggles too.

    Wish you both all the best!

  2. I don’t have the right words to say. My dad ended up in a wheelchair and he tried to avoid it for a long time. I found it very frustrating when he was refusing to use it. It seemed to me to make his life so much harder but eventually I understood his reasons.
    You know how much I love you two. I keep my fingers crossed that the team will find something that helps. You are both so strong. It’s OK to not always be OK.

  3. I’ve just read your post and can’t stop thinking about what a strong person you must be to do all that you do and care so well. I have only experienced short intervals of caring when my wife was injured and know that pushed me – I hope things do work out for youth both and and your plans come to fruition.

  4. Your love and support for one another always shines through, no matter what each of you are facing and that is so inspiring and I’m always in admiration of that quality. I hope that the plans you have and are working on provide you the much needed and deserved respite you need, allowing you to regain energy and resources for all the future may bring, hugs to both of you x

  5. I have read in your other posts about your “me” time and I do hope it is something special that really helps – like Brigit I am looking forward to finding out what it is and reading about your journey x

  6. Just like melody I have no words, only hugs…

    Although I like to tell you that my father also had a prosthetic leg. He was tough, My father passed away ten years ago, but he always kept walking with his prosthetic leg, even though I could see it was hurting him a lot. It made me respect my father very much (among other things). I am also proud of him, how he coped with that in his life.I imagine Master T is a bit like my father and I guess I understand why, if you give in to the pain, you’re moving a little in the ‘wrong’ direction…

  7. I read this over and over about 3 times and more the section of Mr.T’s symptoms. I have an urge to ask you more and to figure this thing out. You guys sound like a wonderful couple who both deserve every inch of pleasure left in your lives. I am looking into becoming a wound care nurse…but I am in no way trained to tell you or give you advice. I do know hard it can be for the both of you and I know how anxious one can get speaking publicly about these medical issues. I’d like to just bounce some ideas back and forth if you are willing. Idk. If not I totally understand. One note I’d like to make is that these things even a slight change the most minuscule thing makes a difference. Does the soap he use make his skin too dry? Does the lotion keep too much moisture? How often does he clean it? Could be too much or too little….I know he has pain but 10mins of sort of a full body range of motion will help in the long run to keep the streng the does have ..his back on the bed just moving his extremities…

    I know you have probably heard it all. And I am sorry if I crossed a boundary these are all rhetorical basic Qs. It’s tough. I know it can be. If you need another ear or to vent my email/dms…anything are open. Ugh I wish I could teleport and see for myself that’s how much I want you both to be better.

    1. Hi Dinah, this is incredibly kind of you, and I really love that you want to help. I have been searching the Internet for help and have found some things, but as it is now, it’s a waiting game. Every new treatment he gets takes weeks before we know if it works or not. Apparently what he has now is quite unique. I don’t want to elaborate here further, because as I have said, this is not my story to tell and to protect him, I don’t just want to put all his medical things in my blog post. He has a team looking after him at this moment, and we hope they find something that would improve his quality of life and give him back some of what he has lost (independence mostly), but since he has been an amputee for 40+ years one of the things he has always been keeping in the back of his mind is that there will come a time when he will end up in a wheelchair. We hope we can keep it off for years to come. You are welcome to ask me questions in DM, because if my answers can help you in any way when you become a wound care nurse, it will be good.
      Thank you for your very kind comment, and the caring in your words.

      1. Thank you for replying back. ❤❤. You are a huge huge blessing/benefit to this community (falling body or not). And I hope you remember that. Kisses ???

  8. Hugs to you and Master T. There is so little we in the blogosphere can do “to help” but know that we hear you. Your strength and patience are inspiring.

  9. I’m so deeply touched by your openness. It takes a strong person to continually provide support. I agree with the comments already made, please take time for yourself too (easier said than done).
    Best of luck to you and Master T, and I can’t wait to hear of your news!

  10. Hugs. It is incredibly beautiful- you’re love for one another. I’m glad you are also working on ways to take care of you. You deserve some you time. Hugs and love ?

  11. My father in law has a prosthetic leg and I’ve seen how hard it can be (the soreness especially) even when things are going right. You write this with such beautiful clarity … it reads as frank and honest, and so full of love. I admire you for the way you’ve managed to tell your truths about the impact of this on you while also clearly remaining so full of empathy and caring for him. Thank you for sharing this with us (I think this post will feel like an incredible gift to anyone in a similar position) … you are so brave and beautiful, and resourceful, and I trust that as you have been doing, together you’ll do a phenomenal job of navigating what’s next (health-wise, but also to meet your various physical, emotional, and other needs). Sending love and good wishes.

  12. You both are such amazing, strong people. I hope your plans will work so that you get some time to relax and just be yourself without having to care for anyone but you. You deserve it. You do so much for everyone around you (including those of us online). I can’t wait to hear about your new plan.

    1. Thank you for your kindness and understanding, Brigit! I hope to be able to reveal more soon 🙂
      Time will tell xox

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