Some time ago I left this comment on Feve’s post If problem persists, please contact Technical Support at 1-800-GIV-0FUX.
I don’t know where to start on my comment…
I have never once, after seeing the question and posting it as a prompt for Wicked Wednesday, thought about the failing human mechanism of the body as part of technical sex. Oh gosh Feve, I have so much to say about this, living with a man who is seeing his body failing him a bit more every day, and my trying to support him as best as I could, denying myself things I would love to do/experience, because his health and getting him better (for as far as that goes) is now much more important than anything I want. But at the same time I know damn well that I am not getting younger, and my mechanism will eventually start to fail too… there are already a few cracks…
I can’t remember whether anywhere in a blog post I have ever told you what Master T’s medical situation is. Now I don’t feel this is my place to tell you, but I can tell you a bit more than just that he has ‘problems with his leg’. Master T is an amputee and has been for 40+ years. Up to September 2016 he had the ‘normal’ problems amputees can have, with pressure points caused by his prosthetic leg becoming infected or during the warmer summer months, the stump being irritated due to the warm weather. In September 2016 a new problem started. Pain, broken skin, crusts, infection and the tip of the stump being a bright dark unhealthy red. Also, his prosthetic leg wasn’t good anymore. They made a new one, and we thought the problem would be solved.
It wasn’t. From October 2016, when he got that leg, until halfway through 2018 he had six new legs in total. This is not the normal procedure as patients are eligible for new prosthetic legs every three years. Except when there are problems, and problems there are. He’s been to several dermatologists and that’s where we were in January 2019, with a new dermatologist and a new therapy about to start. We are three months down the line, almost four, and we are only half a step further. He’s on his third different medication since January, and where the therapy seemed to have some effect after about 15 treatments, now it seems to get worse again.
Ever since December 2016 Master T can’t drive anymore. Part of this had to do with panic attacks, which he had worked through with a psychologist the same as he has worked with her through a bout of depression. Not being able to drive means not being able to go to his work, but he is still working from home. Now, after two and a half years, obviously his employer is getting nervous about it. Where this will end, we don’t know. Will the therapy help eventually? What if he loses his job? What if he’s never without pain again?
Obviously, all of this has its effect on me too. I am doing all the driving. I accompany him to all his health appointments. When we go for grocery shopping (he insists in going with me as otherwise he will only be home), I drop him in front of the store and then go find a parking spot. Any shopping that has to be done at other shops, I have to do. Most of his appointments are on Wednesdays, which is my day off from work, and sometimes I have appointments too, which means the original goal of my Wednesdays — to write and be busy with my blog — is not reached.
I am not complaining. This is something I do for the love of my life, and I will keep on doing it without any hesitation. I believe in ‘for better or for worse…’
People try to help by suggesting things Master T can do. The thing we hear the most is that Master T should use a wheelchair for a couple of weeks/months to allow his leg to heal. Yes, this is a solution but no, it’s not a solution. If he starts using a wheelchair, chances are he might never get out of it. He started using a walking stick in the early months of 2017 to aid him in his walking, and that was going to be temporary, but we now know it’s permanent. It’s a psychological process someone has to go through to take a step back and admit that there are some things you can’t do anymore. This is how Master T explained it to me: it’s a process, and he will only use a wheelchair when he is ready for it. Something he hasn’t said but what I think is happening in his head, is a kind of fear to be more disabled than he already is. He knows that I will gladly walk behind a wheelchair if that means he has no pain anymore. But using a wheelchair is no guarantee.
Like I said in my comment to Feve, I am not getting younger, and there are already a few cracks in my mechanism. In the past two years I have suffered from vertigo several times, and thank god the last time I did, the doctor performed some magic and (knock wood) it hasn’t returned. I have no idea where the vertigo comes from, but suspect it’s stress related because of the ongoing situation with Master T. As for traveling, I wish we could do that more, but until Master T can walk properly again, our traveling is limited to going to Eroticon. When we travel, I am the one toting around with the baggage. This year I made it easier on myself, as we bought a new backpack which held both our cameras and my laptop, instead of having different bags for those. It was so damn heavy, but I did it and I am glad I did (even though I took only three photos with my camera while in Camden).
There are so much I still want to do in my life. I have this thing I am starting to do at the end of this month, and hope to do a couple of times more this year. I know I have been secretive about it, and bear with me a bit longer, as eventually I will tell you all what I have done, and will do again. It will give me a bit of a time-out, where I will be out of ‘caring-mode’ and able to ‘recharge’ my batteries.
Regarding our D/s, I have sent Master T a long message and gave him time to think about it, but I am getting a bit impatient as I really really really want to know his thoughts about what I have said; what I have suggested.
We are just taking things day by day but that’s not always easy. Master T is an incredibly patient and rational person and has this ability to literally take things day by day. Yes, he thinks about the future, but he doesn’t get stressed the way I do. I need to know what my future holds, need to be able to plan at least some things, but with Master T’s condition this is not possible. It might never be possible again, and this is something I need to get used to. It’s not easy… but positivity and perseverance go a long way.
© Rebel’s Notes