Alone time, or making time for yourself is an important, if often overlooked part of looking after ourselves. Sometimes we need space for ourselves, simply to be ourselves.
I have never thought I would say this, but sometimes I just need time for myself. I need to be away from everything and everyone needing my attention and my help, and just be alone.
It feels terrible to say that. It feels as if I am betraying the people I love. My husband. My son. My mom.
Just a week ago I read a brilliant story: Catch the Catcher by May More. This story really touched me deeply, but it was only when May answered one of my tweets and I read the words ‘who will care for the carer’ that the story really hit home. Back when mom was in the hospice the volunteers there had asked me whether I also take care of myself. I said yes, but in hindsight I know that wasn’t true. I read the words ‘caring for the carer’ and it immediately made me think of the times I had brief thoughts of resentment. Resenting that wherever we go, I have to drive. Resenting that when we do the weekly groceries, I am the only one carrying the heavy bags from the car. Resenting the fact that the majority of the chores rests on my shoulders. Resenting the fact that because I am mentally tired, I ignore the chores. Resenting the fact that when I ignore the chores, no one else will do them, and I end up hating myself for not just doing them, hating myself because I somehow seem incapable of just starting to do what I know needs doing.
I have been in caring mode for 2.5 years and the end is not in sight and might never be. Mom passed away and I live with my grief every day. My son is moving out as soon as the red tape is done and he is awarded a house, but my worries about him will probably never be gone. Master T’s health has been an ongoing issue from September 2016, and we are at the point where I am doing all the driving, most of the house work, all of the worrying about him. I am constantly in caring mode, and I notice that I am getting tired, and know I need a bit of a break…
How often do you make time for yourself?
Not very often. Something I could never do, is to go to bed before Master T does. I could never sleep before he was in bed next to me. That sometimes still happens, but many nights now I go upstairs before him, only to have a few moments to myself. This is not to get away from him, but just to be alone with my thoughts, even when I am not thinking at all. Many nights when he comes upstairs I fall asleep, content that he is next to me.
I know I need to make more time for myself, and I have an idea on how to do that. It will take me away from home for two nights every couple of months, but I am sure I will return home feeling revived, and ready to take on the world again.
What do you do to gain the most benefit from your “you time”?
When I go to bed alone, I mostly read some blogs, play a stupid game on my phone or masturbate.
When I start executing the plan I mentioned above, I am planning to spend time with people I love, hug them and talk to them about everyday stuff, be myself and not having to be in ‘caring mode’. Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind caring for Master T. I love him so deeply and I believe we are married and will be together for better or worse, but I just need a wee bit of time for myself every now and then, to make sure that I don’t cave under the (self-induced?) pressure I feel…
How do you balance the time you devote to yourself and to others? Which do you prioritise? Why?
I am shit at balancing things.
I tend to put myself in the last spot and care for those who need caring, and I know that’s not good. It works if the caring you have to do is short-term, but with long-term caring it will never work. There comes a time when you burn yourself up and you realize you haven’t taken care of the person who is just as important as the one who needs care: YOU!
I need to make time for me. To take time out from caring, and take moments to care for myself. This week I have joined the orgasm challenge (there will be posts about it), which I hope helps me to get back in touch with that sexy part of me, but I need more. I need to get in touch with myself, and I know the only way to do so is to take time off. I need to take time off from my regular life.
That’s the only way I will survive long-term.
This year still — even sooner than you might realize — I will implement my plan to make time for myself. Time will tell whether this works or not.
At least I have admitted to myself that I need to be kind to myself too, that I need to take care of myself, or in the long run I will not be able to take care of others…
© Rebel’s Notes