The Carer Needs Care

Alone time, or making time for yourself is an important, if often overlooked part of looking after ourselves. Sometimes we need space for ourselves, simply to be ourselves.

I have never thought I would say this, but sometimes I just need time for myself. I need to be away from everything and everyone needing my attention and my help, and just be alone.

It feels terrible to say that. It feels as if I am betraying the people I love. My husband. My son. My mom.

care for the carerJust a week ago I read a brilliant story: Catch the Catcher by May More. This story really touched me deeply, but it was only when May answered one of my tweets and I read the words ‘who will care for the carer’ that the story really hit home. Back when mom was in the hospice the volunteers there had asked me whether I also take care of myself. I said yes, but in hindsight I know that wasn’t true. I read the words ‘caring for the carer’ and it immediately made me think of the times I had brief thoughts of resentment. Resenting that wherever we go, I have to drive. Resenting that when we do the weekly groceries, I am the only one carrying the heavy bags from the car. Resenting the fact that the majority of the chores rests on my shoulders. Resenting the fact that because I am mentally tired, I ignore the chores. Resenting the fact that when I ignore the chores, no one else will do them, and I end up hating myself for not just doing them, hating myself because I somehow seem incapable of just starting to do what I know needs doing.

I have been in caring mode for 2.5 years and the end is not in sight and might never be. Mom passed away and I live with my grief every day. My son is moving out as soon as the red tape is done and he is awarded a house, but my worries about him will probably never be gone. Master T’s health has been an ongoing issue from September 2016, and we are at the point where I am doing all the driving, most of the house work, all of the worrying about him. I am constantly in caring mode, and I notice that I am getting tired, and know I need a bit of a break…

How often do you make time for yourself?

Not very often. Something I could never do, is to go to bed before Master T does. I could never sleep before he was in bed next to me. That sometimes still happens, but many nights now I go upstairs before him, only to have a few moments to myself. This is not to get away from him, but just to be alone with my thoughts, even when I am not thinking at all. Many nights when he comes upstairs I fall asleep, content that he is next to me.

I know I need to make more time for myself, and I have an idea on how to do that. It will take me away from home for two nights every couple of months, but I am sure I will return home feeling revived, and ready to take on the world again.

What do you do to gain the most benefit from your “you time”?

When I go to bed alone, I mostly read some blogs, play a stupid game on my phone or masturbate.

When I start executing the plan I mentioned above, I am planning to spend time with people I love, hug them and talk to them about everyday stuff, be myself and not having to be in ‘caring mode’. Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind caring for Master T. I love him so deeply and I believe we are married and will be together for better or worse, but I just need a wee bit of time for myself every now and then, to make sure that I don’t cave under the (self-induced?) pressure I feel…

How do you balance the time you devote to yourself and to others? Which do you prioritise? Why?

I am shit at balancing things.

I tend to put myself in the last spot and care for those who need caring, and I know that’s not good. It works if the caring you have to do is short-term, but with long-term caring it will never work. There comes a time when you burn yourself up and you realize you haven’t taken care of the person who is just as important as the one who needs care: YOU!


I need to make time for me. To take time out from caring, and take moments to care for myself. This week I have joined the orgasm challenge (there will be posts about it), which I hope helps me to get back in touch with that sexy part of me, but I need more. I need to get in touch with myself, and I know the only way to do so is to take time off. I need to take time off from my regular life.

That’s the only way I will survive long-term.

This year still — even sooner than you might realize — I will implement my plan to make time for myself. Time will tell whether this works or not.

At least I have admitted to myself that I need to be kind to myself too, that I need to take care of myself, or in the long run I will not be able to take care of others…

© Rebel’s Notes

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9 thoughts on “The Carer Needs Care

  1. I am following your blog for quite some time now and I think you really must take care for yourself! Good luck with your plans.

    I also hope that the orgasm challenge helps you a bit (and of course already curious at your post about the challenge ;-)).

  2. Ever the carer. It’s hard to realize when you need to take time for self. I hope this coming time of yours revives you because You’re worth giving yourself the care you deserve

  3. I quite agree. When I was married, one very important aspect of my “alone time” was to give my wife a break from my constant pain. I’m not sure how well it worked, but it was important for me at the time that I did something that gave her some releif from the burden of seeing me suffer.

  4. I dont have anywhere near the groaning responsibilities of care that you have.
    I do understand how exhausting it is on the more trying days
    It’s hard to prioritise self care when the to do list is unending
    You’re doing a great job
    Big hugs
    Swirly ??

  5. I expect so many people will relate to this post. Once in the role of the carer it is very difficult to step out, and people do feel guilty taking time for themselves.
    TY for the mention, when I wrote it i was thinking of all those people who devote their lives to others – it was Sir Thomas from the CunnungLinctus blogspot who made the comment “care fr the carer” – i thought it was incredibly insightful and used it on Twitter.
    I do hope you get some time to yourself – as u say always important when others rely on you x

    1. I have set something in motion, which will give me time for myself. A post will follow…

  6. Taking care of you is so important and I am so pleased you are recognising it. How lovely that you are going to be able to take time away every so often. I look forward to hearing more xx

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