By the time I started writing this post, I have read several posts on vulnerability, which have made me question my own ways with being vulnerable.
Some people see it as weak to show your vulnerability, but I think it takes a strong person to be able to show it; to be able to admit that you need help; to admit that you are not always as strong as people think you are. It’s never easy, but it can be a relief to admit it, even if it’s only to the person closest to you.
I was one of those people who thought showing my vulnerability was weak. I had to be strong. I always had to be strong. From the moment I became a mom at the age of 16 years and 9 months, I had someone who was dependent on me, so I needed to be strong. Then I entered a marriage, and being a traditional kind of person, I thought I could lean on my husband, that he would be the strong one. He wasn’t. Where I saw vulnerability as being weak, now in hindsight I understand that his abusive nature was that of a weak person. He abused my daughter to make himself feel stronger. Another kid later, I was alone again, having to be strong for them. I had my weak moments; oh god did I have my weak moments. But there was no one who I could lean on. I had relationships, but none of them lasted. None of those men were strong enough to be my rock. The same with my second husband; he turned out to be a total disappointment.
Then I met Master T.
From the first moment we started talking, I could be myself. Part of this was because he was always himself, and another part was that by the time I was divorced for a second time, I have decided that I would never change myself for a man again. I had to be strong and I will do this life-thing all on my own and the way I wanted to do it.
Gradually with Master T I started showing my insecurities, my fears, my joys, my highs and my lows. My submissive side started to surface, and instead of it making me feel weak, it made me feel stronger than ever. My tears were not seen as weakness, but as strength. Standing on my knees wasn’t a weakness. Bending over and having him punish me wasn’t weakness. Following his rules wasn’t weakness. Sleeping with his collar wasn’t weakness. Seeking his approval for so many things I wanted to do wasn’t weakness. Yes, I know there might be people who see this as a weakness, but it made me feel stronger than ever.
Have I not felt this strength with Master T, I might not have been able to admit that I cannot handle the stress at work anymore; might not have been able to take a step back from my management position. This wasn’t an easy decision, to return to being ‘one of the ladies’ after I had been their ‘boss’ for fourteen years. But, the vulnerability I have shown has returned the strength I so needed. It’s still a rocky road, but it has opened up the doors for me to tell people when things are getting too much for me. Some years ago I cut back on the hours I work, and that wasn’t easy either, partly because I needed Master T to understand I couldn’t handle five full working days anymore, and partly because I felt weak because I couldn’t handle five full working days anymore. But, that was another step that helped me to start to regain my strength. I was well underway, until my mom got sick and my husband’s health started deteriorating. That threw me so much, made me feel like I was drowning, until I took a step back from being a manager.
I need to show some vulnerability again. I miss sex. I miss intimacy. I miss D/s. I need a spanking. I need to tell Master T this (as I have said many times before) but I need to find the words to tell him that I don’t want my life to pass by without ever having any kind of ‘sexy fun’ again. Thankfully, I do still have my connection with him, but some days I just need a bit more than just that, and I know at this moment (and who knows for hor long) he can’t give me that.
Vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me, as I always first ‘blame’ myself for being weak. But, eventually I do set the step to share my feelings… because that’s where my weak spot lies… the ability to share my feelings in words understandable to others.
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© Rebel’s Notes