Vulnerable or Weak?

vulnerableBy the time I started writing this post, I have read several posts on vulnerability, which have made me question my own ways with being vulnerable.

Some people see it as weak to show your vulnerability, but I think it takes a strong person to be able to show it; to be able to admit that you need help; to admit that you are not always as strong as people think you are. It’s never easy, but it can be a relief to admit it, even if it’s only to the person closest to you.

I was one of those people who thought showing my vulnerability was weak. I had to be strong. I always had to be strong. From the moment I became a mom at the age of 16 years and 9 months, I had someone who was dependent on me, so I needed to be strong. Then I entered a marriage, and being a traditional kind of person, I thought I could lean on my husband, that he would be the strong one. He wasn’t. Where I saw vulnerability as being weak, now in hindsight I understand that his abusive nature was that of a weak person. He abused my daughter to make himself feel stronger. Another kid later, I was alone again, having to be strong for them. I had my weak moments; oh god did I have my weak moments. But there was no one who I could lean on. I had relationships, but none of them lasted. None of those men were strong enough to be my rock. The same with my second husband; he turned out to be a total disappointment.

Then I met Master T.

From the first moment we started talking, I could be myself. Part of this was because he was always himself, and another part was that by the time I was divorced for a second time, I have decided that I would never change myself for a man again. I had to be strong and I will do this life-thing all on my own and the way I wanted to do it.

Gradually with Master T I started showing my insecurities, my fears, my joys, my highs and my lows. My submissive side started to surface, and instead of it making me feel weak, it made me feel stronger than ever. My tears were not seen as weakness, but as strength. Standing on my knees wasn’t a weakness. Bending over and having him punish me wasn’t weakness. Following his rules wasn’t weakness. Sleeping with his collar wasn’t weakness. Seeking his approval for so many things I wanted to do wasn’t weakness. Yes, I know there might be people who see this as a weakness, but it made me feel stronger than ever.

Have I not felt this strength with Master T, I might not have been able to admit that I cannot handle the stress at work anymore; might not have been able to take a step back from my management position. This wasn’t an easy decision, to return to being ‘one of the ladies’ after I had been their ‘boss’ for fourteen years. But, the vulnerability I have shown has returned the strength I so needed. It’s still a rocky road, but it has opened up the doors for me to tell people when things are getting too much for me. Some years ago I cut back on the hours I work, and that wasn’t easy either, partly because I needed Master T to understand I couldn’t handle five full working days anymore, and partly because I felt weak because I couldn’t handle five full working days anymore. But, that was another step that helped me to start to regain my strength. I was well underway, until my mom got sick and my husband’s health started deteriorating. That threw me so much, made me feel like I was drowning, until I took a step back from being a manager.

I need to show some vulnerability again. I miss sex. I miss intimacy. I miss D/s. I need a spanking. I need to tell Master T this (as I have said many times before) but I need to find the words to tell him that I don’t want my life to pass by without ever having any kind of ‘sexy fun’ again. Thankfully, I do still have my connection with him, but some days I just need a bit more than just that, and I know at this moment (and who knows for hor long) he can’t give me that.

Vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me, as I always first ‘blame’ myself for being weak. But, eventually I do set the step to share my feelings… because that’s where my weak spot lies… the ability to share my feelings in words understandable to others.

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© Rebel’s Notes

8 thoughts on “Vulnerable or Weak?

  1. It’s a thin line between showing your vulnarability or just quitting things or letting things go and see what happens next. Showing your vulnarability means your taking the consequences and have the strength to cope with the new ‘situation’.
    PS I also quit a management position once, it just didn’t suit me and I wanted to quit. Fortunately, I was able to return to my old job and my colleagues finally found it fine.

  2. I can relate to much of what you say, and I also consider you to be a strong lovely person BECAUSE of your vulnerability. I hope you can tap into that and find the words, but I also understand that’s easier said than done xx

  3. It takes strength to talk about vulnerability and especially to recognise it in yourself and your reactions to it.

    Like you, I went for the longest time equating being weak with displaying and even acknowledging vulnerabilities. Always expecting someone to attack that weakness.

  4. Not all of us have the strength to be vulnerable, I learned that late in life myself. Marie. I see strength here, not weakness. It’s a wonderful piece.

  5. I agree with Cara – you come across as such a strong person in your writing and it is your self reflection that shows that. You are not afraid to write about what you truly feel and in showing some of your vulnerability that allows readers to connect with you. This is a great example of that where I feel I can relate completely to what you have written. Thank you ?

  6. This is such a great post that punches me straight in “the feels”. Extremely relatable.

    The strength in vulnerability is showing truth integrity and understanding.

    Rarely do we (and I mean me) feel that way about ourselves ?

    Bug hugs
    Swirly ??

  7. You are so right…Vulnerability takes all kinds of strength. It is very different from being weak. Making the choices you’ve made have all been strong decisions, and showing your vulnerability here, and in your life, has likely made you stronger and your life better.

  8. Big hugs to you, Rebel. I’ve always thought you were the strongest person. Sweetest too. I hope you find the right words. Everyone needs a little kinky fun

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