My First Love

Write a letter to your first love…or to your younger self at that time. What did you take away from that relationship? What do you remember? Are your memories happy, sad…bittersweet? How did you grow?

My first love was a disaster, and with someone whom I definitely don’t want to write a letter to.

It happened back in secondary school, and he was the typical beautiful, bad boy of the school. He did things he shouldn’t do; things that were against the rules, and all the girls fell for him. Ryno (his real name) came from a family who seemed to have everything, and he walked around school knowing this. He was in a relationship with a girl in my class, but their relationship was on and off. There were frequent fights and break-ups and getting-back-togethers. Like so many other girls in school I really admired him and would want nothing more than to be his girl.

Then it happened. They broke up (again) and he started paying me — the quiet girl — attention. He asked me to be his girl, saying that the break up was final and they would never get together again and he rather wanted me. I fell for it; for him. It was just before the summer holidays and he invited me to join him on holiday at the seaside. I knew my parents would never agree (I was 14), so I looked for another way to join him, and found it. My uncle had a shop in the same seaside place and he was looking for youngsters who wanted to work there in the summer holidays. I volunteered, knowing I wouldn’t have to work every day. Eventually, I only worked on weekends, and during the two weeks I was their, I spent every day I could with Ryno. We kissed, and hugged, and cuddled and slipped our hands in each other’s pants, masturbating each other. His fingers inside me was heaven, and I believed he would be my one and only love.

We broke up when we returned to school after the holidays and he returned to his on-and-off girlfriend. I cried for a month, barely able to look at him, feeling humiliated and pushed aside.

Two years later, exactly nine months before the birth of my daughter, Ryno was the one who caused the death of my best friend. He was under the influence of drugs and booze and invited her on his motorcycle for a ride. Having just had a fight with her boyfriend and wanting to spite him, she decided to go with Ryno, who by then was expelled from school because of his behavior and despite his wealthy background. For a split-second he lost control over the motorcycle, and as he did, she lost her grip on his middle and fell backwards; broke her neck.

No, I can’t write a letter to my first love. Never. If I do, too much hatred would pour onto the pages.

She lives on with me every day, as I named my daughter after her.

One of the questions above is what I took away from that relationship? I think one of the things was that I would never go with someone who has just ended a relationship. I am thinking of my life after that, and I can’t remember any relationship where I was the rebound lover. I only once wanted to enter a relationship like that, and that was after I had divorced my second husband, and met Master T in the last months of those divorce proceedings. But, Master T told me to first ‘stand on my own legs’ before he would be interested to start a relationship with me. Back then it irritated me, but I know he was right: when I came to him, ready to start the relationship, I was more than 100% sure that this was what I wanted. And here we are, 17 years later, and still as in love as we were back then.

Master T might not be my first love, but he definitely is the love of my life!

© Rebel’s Notes

6 thoughts on “My First Love

  1. Damn…what a thing to have to remember in association with an already crappy first love experience. But what a beautiful remembrance of your friend to name your daughter after her.

  2. As if the pain of a first love isn’t bad enough to know they caused the loss of your best friend is overwhelming. It is like they broke your heart twice. I can tell you I wouldn’t write a letter either because like you it would be scathing and fierce and filled with rage, righteous rage but rage nonetheless.

  3. This is really poignant. I’m sorry for all the sadness here and the loss that you’ve experienced. Thank you though for leaving us on a happy love-filled note.

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