This, since it’s February, is a double post…
Erotic Journal Challenge
Have you ever been hurt sexually (physically, emotionally, mentally)? How do you think this impacts your likes/dislikes, what you gravitate toward or what you shy away from when it comes to sex? (You can think of this hurt in positive or negative terms.)
I had to think about this one, as I had the most amazing sex live ever since I met Master T, even though it has been at an all time low for the last two years. Good memories seem to wipe out the bad ones, but before I met Master T, there were others, and yes, those times were not only good.
I think the thing that hurt me the most was when my first husband, after sex (good sex) said that I should be happy he had married me, because no one else would ever have done that. I wasn’t suitable to be a wife, so I should be glad he offered himself up to marry me. The first time, no, every time he said that, I was stunned to silence, and over the course of our two year marriage I came to believe him. It took him abusing my daughter (not sexual) for me to leave him, and once he had no power over me anymore, I realized that he was the insecure one, not me.
He was the only one ever doing that to me, but it had impacted my self worth so much, that for many years on I believed that as long as I gave men sex, they would accept me. As if that was the only thing I was good for, and I had to be grateful that they at least had sex with me… I mean, who else would want to do that?
My inherit submissive nature didn’t help. When a man I fancied or was in love with wanted something, I complied, never thinking about what I wanted. What I desired. What my boundaries were. It took me years to understand that my first husband, and the man who abused me in my younger years, had definitely had some influence in the way I saw myself. It was Master T who healed me from that. He was the one who took the hurt away and made me realize that I am a sexy woman, that I am desirable, that men want to be with me, and not because they are doing me a favor.
“I am”… I cried
“I am”… said I
And I am lost and I can’t
Even say why
Leavin’ me lonely still
Had I not met Master T, I might still have been in and out of meaningless relationships. Relationships where I gave all of me but after a couple of moments of sex, I felt empty and used, and this was definitely all the fault of the men. I gave myself as if I couldn’t get anything else, only to realize after a couple of weeks that it’s not what I wanted. That it didn’t make me happy. I continuously felt lonely. Even in my second marriage, where we were a total mismatch when it came to desires. In the beginning, just after meeting Master T, I did the same, but he quickly showed me that he saw me as his equal, despite me being submissive with him from the very start.
He healed me.
He made me forget about the pain the others had caused me…
Our D/s relationship was there from the moment we ‘met’ online, but it took some years before we made the final commitment. That was the moment I was healed, the moment I knew all those things my first husband had told me were only lies, because he was much more insecure than I ever was.
This month I am taking a trip down memory lane…
I met Master T in April 2002, but not in person. That only happened two months later, but by then we were already deeply in love with each other. In September 2003 we decided we want to build a life together, and by then we had already have our first BDSM experience where he had tied my to a chair and fisted me. Yes, there’s photo evidence of that too. He ordered some items such as a collar and cuffs and when I stayed with him during weekends — we were sort of LDR back then — those things were used.
The image I am sharing today is part of a series taken in May 2004. Before this moment on the image, I had clamps attached to my nipples, and when he chained me to one of the attic beams like this, I felt content and safe and happy. That’s what my face (which I very rarely share) says here. I’m his. I’m safe. I surrender to his will.
I just didn’t know it back then. I didn’t have the words for it.
We only made our D/s commitment about 6.5 years later…
© Rebel’s Notes