Deathly Fear

blood after piercings
What is your biggest fears? This could be spiders or heights or it might be something completely different like getting sick or never doing something you have always wanted to do. What is it that you are so scared of that you maybe you even find it hard to talk about.

Since Molly mentioned it… yes I am afraid of spiders. Terrified. If I spot one somewhere in the room, I won’t rest until it has either been put outside (obviously by someone else) or has disappeared into the vacuum cleaner, and then I won’t be the one holding the vacuum because the idea of the spider passing through the pipes I am holding… terrifying.

There are other things I am afraid of: fire, water, losing my kids and death.

Many nights when we go to bed, an image flashes through my head that a fire starts somewhere in the house while we’re sleeping and then my religious youth peeks around the corner again as I ask god to watch over us and keep us safe. I always believe he does, and that’s as much as I want to say about it here. Religion is not something I care to talk about.

Deep, dark water terrifies me. In my teenage years I have taught myself not to dream of water, and when I did, to wake myself up. I tend to dream that I am drowning and it scares me so much that I had to find some kind of defense mechanism to get out of the dream. Seriously, I can’t tell you how I do it or how I taught myself, I just know that even now, 40 years down the line, I can still wake myself up when I start dreaming about water.

I mentioned that I am afraid to lose my kids. Here I don’t mean in the sense of them passing away, but for them to push me out of their lives. To tell me the never want to see me again. I have always been there for my kids and have always tried to make the best decisions I could with the knowledge I had at the time, but that doesn’t say that they hadn’t suffered at times because of those decisions. This fear is not as bad anymore as it once was, since my kids are all adults now and they know all I ever wanted was the best for them, but sometimes I still feel the cold hand around my heart when I think: what if?

The one thing that scares me the most is death, and it’s something I have been thinking about a lot ever since my mom had passed away. Before she got ill, I could never think of any of my loved ones dying as it made me panic and now it’s something that’s in my head far too much.

I’m afraid Master T might die before me. I’m afraid I might die before him. How will I be able to go on without him? What if he never misses me? Life can never be the same without my best friend. Who is going to take care of him? What about the kids? I will never be able to handle their pain too. Will he be able to give them the support they need? Will they be able to give him the support he needs?

My mind goes round and round in circles over and over again, jumping from his passing to mine and back again. It always ends with me choking back tears, pushing the thoughts away, only for them to return days or weeks later, and running down the same paths again.

I used to panic when I thought of mom passing away. That was before she got ill. Gradually, during the process of her illness, we had to think about death. Mom wanted to plan her funeral. She wanted to be prepared. For us to be prepared. For me to be prepared.

I try not to panic when I think of our deaths.

Try.

But I think about it far too much.

And it scares me to bits.


The image below is as far away from what I have spoken about above, as could be. I had to put something here to take my mind off my dark thoughts…

I have never really been scared of piercings, but when Master T told me he wanted me to get inner labia piercings, I was scared. This image was taken, along with others, on the day in December 2010 that the first set of inner labia piercings was set. I have never been scared by blood…

blood after piercings
The first set of inner labia piercings…

© Rebel’s Notes

Wicked Wednesday
February Photofest 2018

5 thoughts on “Deathly Fear

  1. I used to dream of fires and wake myself up. Then about 12 years ago we had a major car crash and my eldest daughter nearly died. I had an injury too and if you saw the car u would have thought we all died in it. I became convinced that we had somehow “escaped” death and that the grim reaper would come back for me or far worse my daughter. I had some counselling and that helped but sometimes it does return to me. So i can relate to your post Marie. Life & death are things we can’t understand. xx

  2. Al Jones says:

    I am a few years older (56) and I go to way more funerals than weddings now. Death scares me as well, I think of what I’ll miss, kids, grandkids, great grandkids, I think of what my friends would say, would they come to my funeral.

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