Do you find anything distressing or uncomfortable about your sexual thoughts, fantasies, or desires?
There was a time when I thought I was a really bad person because of my sexual fantasies and desires. That was when I was way younger, and I lived in a total different community than I do now. There was no one I trusted enough to talk about and when in a relationship and I wanted something, I didn’t speak up but sort of ‘positioned’ myself in such a way and then ‘hoped’ he understood what I wanted and do the ‘right’ thing. This immediately brings to mind the one night when I came to bed wearing a sexy negligee, and lay down on my front, seemingly to watch television, but I had my legs spread so my husband of back then (the first) could see I wasn’t wearing any panties. I wanted him to use me, to sort of force himself on me and fuck me hard, but all he did was to finger me to orgasm, fuck me the same old way he usually did and that was it. I couldn’t blame him, as he couldn’t read my mind.
This doesn’t mean that further on in my life I would speak about my fantasies or desires, because I just never knew, or still know, how to start. I feel silly talking about something I want. However, if I am asked questions, and prodded, I might eventually share more about my own desires, but I keep darker ones to myself.
My mind goes back to when Master T was ordering products on a BDSM site and a speculum came in view. I have always been SO intrigued by speculums and any kind of medical play and wanted nothing more than to own a speculum. I wanted to know what it would feel like to be opened up by such an implement. Now Master T always takes quite some time to consider what he wants to order (those items are never cheap) and it took me the better part of a couple of hours to finally say the words: I am interested in a speculum. Can you imagine how surprised I was when he told me it was already in the shopping cart, because he was intrigued by it too?
I guess this should have made it easier for me to tell him about some of my fantasies, right? It hasn’t. I’m still ashamed to ask something for myself. Ashamed might not be the right word, but fact is that it doesn’t come easy to me. I would love to ask Master T, to discuss with him ways in which we can reignite our D/s relationship, be it in a totally different form than before, but I have no idea how to breach the subject. Yes, I know, I should just sit down and talk to him, but that is a huge step for me. I need to figure out in my own mind what it is I really want, and only then might I be ready to talk to him.
Until then it will stay locked up inside me…
This image shows one of the things I have been intrigued with, and just like with the speculum, it turned out Master T had the same idea as I had. Or I had the same idea as him. We were on one line with this, the same as we are with many things… so why is it so difficult for me to talk to him about some things? If only I knew…
© Rebel’s Notes