Discovering Sexuality and Desire

I believe everyone of us had discovered our sexuality somewhere in the first seven years of our lives, but haven’t connected it with sex. I remember my own children discovering their genitals, and more recently my grandsons running around naked with mini hard ons, but not knowing what it’s all about. And that’s good. That’s the way it should be. The time will come when they will realize there’s more to it, just like all of us have done, but all in good time.

I remember discovering my sexuality roundabout the age of 10.

No, I don’t mean discovering my genitals, but discovering it gives me pleasant feelings when I touch myself ‘there’. My brother (who is two year younger than I am) and I used to go in the bath together (saving water and all that), and one night my mom walked in on us. I still feel shame when I remember how she caught us: me with my legs spread wide and my brother pouring water from some kind of toy right on my clitoris. Needless to say, we were not allowed to bathe together anymore.

After that night, I must have realized that showing that I love genital stimulation should be my secret. I used to rub my clitoris almost every night before I went to sleep. I never climaxed, but I did it because it felt good.

It was also round the age of 10 that I had my first bisexual experience, because I went down on a school friend when she stayed over with me. I had no idea what I was doing, except that I was mimicking something that had been done to me.

By the time I was twelve it was boring to do all of this alone, and I had started to notice boys around me. That’s when my exhibitionist streak showed itself. I used to flash the oldest two of the neighbor boys, and love when he told me to spread my legs so he could see. I guess this is also where my submissive nature started showing, even though I wouldn’t recognize that as such for almost thirty years. By the time I was thirteen/fourteen I sneaked out of the house to go to the drive-in, where I would meet whoever I was dating at that moment and damn, did I want them to touch me. And they did. I guess you can say that was when I understood what sexual desire was, and how to get what I want.

But, it was only when I was close to my sixteenth birthday that I had sex for the first time. By then I had my first steady boyfriend (who had touched me indecently many times at my request), and I wanted sex. Sadly, this was not only because I wanted sex, but because I wanted a baby so I could quit school. Yes, I know, stupid move, but it gave me a damn pretty daughter.

Ever since I discovered my sexuality, and more so when I discovered my own sexual desire, it has never left me. It has been dormant at times, depending on what I went through in my life (divorce, burnout, depression), but it always returned. For all the years I had not been in a relationship, I always took care of my own desires, was it in a functional way. I think that is what is helping me a lot to get through the dry spell Master T is having, due to the pain he constantly has. When I feel the craving, I retrieve my Womanizer from the drawer, search for a short porn clip and get myself off. It sounds clinical, and it might be just that, but it does the trick until things change again.

My sexuality is as part of me as it is to take the next breath. Sometimes I think back on all the sex partners I have had and what I have learned about myself when I was with them. Some lessons weren’t understood the first time; sometimes not even the second or the third, but I eventually learned them and I am still learning about myself every day.

© Rebel’s Notes

4 thoughts on “Discovering Sexuality and Desire

  1. I think the childish freedom to just enjoy our bodies should be celebrated. I know when my son did it, we were always careful to let him know that it was natural and that he should enjoy it but that he shouldn’t do it in public. Social training an all.

    As for your own discovery, thank you for sharing your stories. I love the embedded links, because they take me down your rabbit hole. I find it all fascinating!

  2. It is interesting to read about how you came to be the person you are to day and how important our sexual self is to our personality.

  3. Loved reading about your sexual journey – and you are so right saying – sexuality is as part of you as taking a breath – loved that line xx

  4. It is so interesting to read about your previous experience. I suppose all of these things shape who we are but also a lot is what comes naturally from within us. You clearly have an adventurous nature so I am sure that you will have many more adventures in store. Thank you for being so open and and for sharing these snippets into your past. ❤️

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