Fucking Mind

I wish the title could have referred to a mindfuck, but it doesn’t.

Then again, maybe it does. An accidental mindfuck.

But not in the good way.

It happened the night before the post ‘Connection, No Sex‘ went live. Before Master T and I went to bed, he said something that made me think sex might be happening.

Normally I would pick up on it, and my mind would respond and my body would follow.

This time my mind dismissed it.

As always, I was already in bed when Master T joined me.

“I have an itch,” he said, and I instantly knew what he wanted me to do, but I didn’t move. He took my hand and put it on his crotch. I lightly started scratching and squeezing his balls.

Let this be over quickly.

I was startled when this thought flash through my mind. Where the fuck did that come from. I should be thrilled at the prospect of having sex again after 7 weeks, shouldn’t I?

God, I wanted to be thrilled, but my body… no scratch that… my mind was just not in the game.

His hands roamed my body, resting on my breasts, squeezing them.

“Please, please don’t hurt me.”

I somehow instantly knew I wouldn’t be able to handle any pain, and was really afraid he would pinch my nipples like he normally did. This time he didn’t, but I even winced when he squeezed my breasts, literally fearing the pain.

All the while my mind screamed at me.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I tried to understand, but I couldn’t. There was no time to process anything.

Master T leaned over towards me and kissed me. A long, lingering, gentle kiss, gradually growing more passionate. I leaned into it, enjoying it, allowing my mind to relax and my body to respond. Then his hand moved to my crotch, and his fingers found my clit.

Too hard. Too much. Too intense.

“Softer please,” I begged.

Every effect the kiss had on me was gone. My mind was in control again. Telling me that I am a worthless sub because I am going against what he was asking of my body.

Fuck off, I argued with my mind.

You’re worthless, it answered.

I tried to push the thoughts away. I willed my body to respond, moaned and leaned into his hand, until the feeling was too intense again. Once again I asked him to ease up on fingering. Normally the way he fingered me would have me climaxing almost instantly, but it literally took minutes before I asked permission to orgasm, and a meager one it was. Almost not worthy of being called an orgasm.

I just couldn’t get into it. No matter how hard Master T tried, I just couldn’t. I really tried. Over and over again, I tried. My mind just wouldn’t let go. It went from telling me I’m worthless to me questioning myself: why couldn’t I just enjoy what was happening? I should enjoy this, right?

It’s all about his pleasure and not about yours.

Even though he couldn’t hear what my mind was telling me, I looked at him and wondered if he had heard my thoughts. Surely he must have noticed how different I was reacting to his touch?

He’s in the mood now so you have to be too. Not fair.

Oh god. I felt ashamed. So very ashamed. I withdrew more into myself, feeling tears stinging my eyes, turning my head away from him so he couldn’t see it.

So for weeks, no matter how many times you hinted at sex he didn’t make a move, and now he’s in the mood and you should be too? How stupid are you not to tell him this!

I couldn’t take it anymore. This had to end. I knew then that no matter what I did I would not be able to stop the thoughts in my head. I was in a bad place mentally, and no matter how hard I tried to allow my body to rule my mind, it didn’t work.

I rolled over on my side, pushing Master T onto his back and my hand instantly went to his cock. It was semi-hard, but squeezing and tickling his balls changed that. With his help I pushed his underpants down and my hand closed around his shaft. With my head on his shoulder, his arm around me, I started wanking him. That was all I wanted at that moment. I didn’t want him to tell me to suck him. I didn’t want to straddle him. I didn’t have the mental capacity to do anything else than wanking him and getting him off.

He must have known, because he did something he barely ever does. I think this was only the third time in the sixteen years we are together.

Master T pulled his T-shirt up, exposing his belly, and I know he was going to come on himself. My arm started burning from wanking him, but I kept going. I knew that so many times he must have felt the same while fingering me, and I wanted to do this for him. I listened to his breathing and tried to keep the same pressure all through wanking him. Once or twice I noticed that his breathing slowed and realized that my grip had weakened. When I concentrated on my grip again, his breathing intensified. Finally, I noticed the familiar spasms in his body and knew he was close, and soon after he climaxed. His content sigh was like music in my ears, but when I turned over shortly after to go to sleep, I cried. By then he had drifted off to sleep too, and didn’t here me…

.

It took me several days to process my thoughts before I could write about this. I still don’t know what happened. Mentally, I wasn’t in a good place, and neither was I physically. Earlier that day I had made a wrong movement with my back/shoulders which left me with dizziness again, something I had have frequent problems with in the past years. I am back on tablets for it.

Afterwards I know I have been incredibly stupid not to say anything to Master T. I should have stopped everything, should have told him I am not in a good place. That my mind was fucking with me. That would not have meant that nothing further would happen, but only that the approach could have changed. And even if everything stopped, despite Master T’s obvious lust, I know he would have been okay with it. That’s just the kind of man he is.

So why didn’t I say anything?

I don’t know. I just don’t know… maybe something in me really wanted sex because I have no idea when it would happen again, so it was a thing of ‘now or never’? Maybe shame withheld me from saying anything, because how could I ever explain my vile thoughts?

I really, really don’t know, and where I hope something like this never happens again, if it ever does, I will talk. I will stop everything, and talk. It’s not only fair towards Master T, but also towards myself.

I should never again allow my mind to fuck with me the way it did that night…

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© Rebel’s Notes

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17 thoughts on “Fucking Mind

  1. One of the few times where an “I understand” button would come in so handy. I’m glad to see one of the last comments from you on here is that it has been resolved.

  2. I’m so so behind reading, but wanted to offer a hug if nothing else. I hope you’ve had a chance to really work through this with Master T and that you feel a little better about things.

  3. I think it’s so understandable and at heart it’s a protective stance, for me anyway. I know if things have disconnected with us I pull back to protect myself and that can be hard to come back from in reality, even when in my fantasy mind it’s not. It’s quite the conflict, then adding self punishment on top just makes everything worse! Sometimes heads and bodies just don’t know what we expect or hope, but communicating about it is so important, even if not possible at the time. Thank you for sharing this x

  4. (((HUGS))) Knowing what we should do doesn’t always make it easy. Although for different reasons, I’ve been in this same place with JB, where I didn’t want what he was offering and instead of saying something I either pushed him away or forced myself to endure it. It’s an awful feeling, and I am so sorry you went through. Hopefully the next time it’ll be easier to say something…and that by reconnecting, these moments can be few and far between.

  5. I think long periods of being rejected can totally inspire this response when the other partner does suddenly want something. I know with my ex that I got a place of being utterly fed up of being the instigator of sex and also being rejected that when he realised there was a problem and tried to change it my head and body was not open to it. However unlike me and my ex you two love each other but it can be so easy to let those little resentments build up even when you do love each other and your instinct to talk things through is the right one and maybe set something in place where you have time to focus on your own personal pleasure maybe while he watches so it is still about you both but also reflects the fact you have a higher libido than him right now

    Mollyx

  6. We can’t always be “in the mood” though can we?

    And, even with all the will in the world, for both to sync your feelings at the same time is difficult.

    And often once those distracting thoughts enter your head it becomes impossible to get them out.

    Best wishes for the next time(s) !!!

    Xxx – K

  7. Dear Marie,

    I’m deeply impressed by your honesty in this post. I read it two days ago and I find myself thinking about it over and over again. What I learn from it is that no matter how much life experience one has and no matter how close and initimate one is with ones partner: sex is and will always be a kind of (emotional) mindfield in which you have to thread very carefully. At least: that’s how it feels. I also see a bit of an ironic mirroring in your post. When you’re young and/or intimate with a relatively new partner, you haven’t got the faintest idea what the other wants and needs or dislikes. You fill it in for him or her and adapt your behaviour on what you think the other one might like and want. In short: an emotional minefield. Your conclusion of course is as simple as right: talk to each other! But even that remains hard sometines, even after so many years spent togerher. I recognize it in my relation too and I will try to take your advise at heart: talk, talk, talk.

    Thanks for sharing this super individual and delicate experience. Love for you and Mr T.

  8. Sending you hugs 🤗 I feel your pain love. On the other hand it does sound like Master T is getting his libido back which hopefully means things will level out for you both. You’ve been dealing with a massive amount of stress and pain and it’s hardly surprising you were not feeling like sex; as the others have said it doesn’t make you a bad partner. I hope you can talk to him about this, you may be a sub but you are a person and his partner and Vice versa. Much love.
    Indie xx

  9. I can also relate to this.

    When the intimacy between us dwindles for some reason then I know that I retreat. This is not because I am not interested in him and it isn’t because I don’t want him to be happy and to meet his needs. It is because I am trying to protect myself from disappointment, from rejection and from unmet expectations. I was a disaster at bedroom only D/s as I need to be in that mindset more than that for it to be effective for me. Not having my head taken over means that it becomes mine and I live inside it. As a result, if he wants me, I can be slow to respond.

    That brings me to the second part of what you have written. The complete devastation when you feel you have failed. I can feel trapped in a damned if I do and damned if I don’t situation. To say anything ruins it and to carry on ruins it. The only possibility is if he can take my mind under his control in time for it all to work. I could see glimmers of that in what you wrote. For me sometimes it has been enough and it has worked but others it has not and I have slowly fallen apart.

    I am not sure of any of this is helpful but hopefully you can feel less alone, less like something is wrong with you and less like you need to beat yourself up for something which is not the fault of either one of you ❤️ Hugs x

    1. It always helps to read the experiences of others, as it does help me to feel less alone and to better know what to do if a situation like this repeats itself. Thank you so much for your comment xox

  10. I feel you, Marie. This is so hard.

    I think that when we are suddenly expected (or think it is expected of us) to instantly perform (or be available/sexy/into-it) after long periods of rejection*, it’s very natural for the brain and body to NOT be of one accord with what our partners want. Our bodies accustom themselves to lack of sexual interaction in the same way they adjust to overstimulation; to have to go from now-accustomed near-zero touch to yesnowGO! 60mph is unrealistic.

    I know you struggle with voicing your feelings to him when it comes to sexual activity. You’ve said before that you don’t want to interfere with his plans/control and that speaking up can make you feel like you’re not a “good” sub. I think a lot of how ‘good’ a Dom or sub is, has to do with how good they are together. But being good together takes practice. And you two are out of practice.

    .

    *rejection – I know you know he loves you, and that intellectually you understand that his lack of sexual attention has nothing to do with your desirability, but I speak from the experience of also having a partner with a disability: When you’ve made continual overtures, either hinted or outright requested, but are turned down… Your brain and body adjust to the answer of “No.” It becomes the norm. So when something like this happens, it’s difficult for both the brain and the body to process this now un-normal behavior. It’s outside of what you’ve become used to.

    I’ve sometimes had to remind myself, “He’s been telling me no for __________ days/weeks, and I’ve understood why and been respectful of where he’s at. I have every right to tell him no too, and to expect the same understanding/respect in return.”

    As do you. 😘

    1. Thank you for your kind comment, Feve, and sharing your own experience. That is SO valuable to me, as it makes me feel less alone. Where this specific situation has been resolved, I have to keep your last two paragraphs in mind in case something like this happens again xox

  11. I completely understand this. There are a few times in the past (pre D/s and after) that this has happened to me. I understand the conflict. As a sub you think you should just get on with it but your head has to be in the game to do it effectively. I hope Master T reads your blog and or that you have a chat about it 😊 hugs

    1. Unfortunately he doesn’t read my blog at the moment, but things have been resolved 🙂
      A post about that will be up soon xox

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