Balance(d)

It’s almost Christmas and the end of the year is fast approaching. I am incredibly busy with end of the year things, not only at work but also with my blog. I am grateful to have the 24th off from work and want to make that a proper ‘working day’, as there are too many loose ends and it’s making me restless. This coming weekend I want to tie up some of those loose ends.

Food for Thought Friday this week is about reflecting. I know I still ‘owe’ you one or two posts about my therapy (time, I need time!), and this post can easily be about that, but I want to reflect in a different way. As I write this, I remember the reflecting I have done today, while I had the tattoo done in memory of my mom. But, that’s also something for a different post.

When do you feel happiest in your skin?

When I am with Master T.

This might sound all soppy and sentimental, but seriously, anywhere I am with him, I am happy, whether it’s at home or our regular hangout or at Eroticon… wherever I am with him I feel whole and confident and happy.

How do you maintain balance in your life? Is there anything you need to change?

Ha! When you read the intro to this post you will definitely think that I don’t know how to maintain the balance in my life, and sometimes that is true. But, mostly I keep balance by making sure my hours outside from my paid job are spend the way I want to spend it. Writing, sleeping, having a drink, shopping… whatever I do outside of work are things I want to do, even though some of those things are things I need to do. No, I am not always 100% in balance, but I do try to be.

The only thing I want to change is to be able to see when I am heading for a moment of being out of balance, as now I only try to correct it when I am in the midst of it, which is sometimes too late.

What has been a particularly challenging situation that you have faced? How did you handle it? What did you learn from it?

Oh there are so many moments I can mention from the past year or two…

… my mom’s illness and passing;
… Master T’s ongoing health situation;
… my own mental problems due to locked-up grief and trauma;
… not being able to do my job properly because of the sum of the above.

Well, you all know how I handled and am handling the first three. I only realized that the fourth was going on when I was called in at work and they told me I am not functioning the way I should and they actually wanted to offer me a deal to leave. But, they had another suggestion: for me to take a step back. I grabbed that with both hands, and now, four months later, I know it’s the best that could have happened to me.

What have I learned from this?
That it’s not a bad thing to take a step back, to hand back some responsibilities… that it’s okay to be vulnerable and show the world you are. I always thought I was SO happy in my work, but I can only now say with full honesty that I am happy, now that the pressure is gone.

What does it mean to live authentically?

To be who you are and not to be who you think people want you to be.

What are the things that inspire you and how do they work for you?

I think the two main things that inspire me is writing and helping others. That writing I my passion and that it energizes me (even though it leaves me tired too after an intense day of writing), is quite obvious to everyone, I am sure of that.

That helping others is something that inspires me is something I have only learned in recent years. I think the process of realizing this started in the first year of running my Dutch writing group. There was a need for a place where erotic writers could receive feedback on their work and my writing group filled that need. But I also realized the Dutch writing marathon (2014-2017) helped people to improve their writing and with the testimonies I have heard of the Smut Marathon 2018, I realize it helps people too.

Another thing I organize once a month in our regular hangout is an evening for ladies to have dinner and drinks. It was done by someone else for five years, but when the place was sold, it stopped. Ladies mentioned that they miss it, so I took it on me to organize, and I love it! Last night I had dinner with the ladies (not the same every time, and every woman can join join, young or old, single or not), and it was wonderful seeing all of them enjoying themselves and them warming to one another; getting to know the others.

It makes me happy when I can help people with something I do. But, I very rarely stop to think about it.

If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?

One thing: I want to guard my boundaries better. I have noticed how fragile my mental health is, and even though I am well now, I know a relapse can happen if I don’t guard my boundaries. I am getting better at it, but I need a lot more practice to always be aware of those boundaries and not allow others to step over them.

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© Rebel’s Notes

Food for Thought Friday

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