“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”
~ Mark Twain
In my years of sex blogging and reading blogs, I have come across a lot of people who are dealing with mental health problems. This ranges from being stressed to being severely depressed. What I love is that many sex bloggers openly talk about their problems, as that gives others insight into what they are dealing with.
Still, when the time came that I wanted to share what difficulties I am going through, I hesitated and only did it after people encouraged me to write about it.
I have not had an easy life, but I was always able to deal with everything that was thrown my way. A child at 16, married at 20, divorced at 22, raising 2 kids by myself, married again at 31, divorced at 35, alone with my kids again. Then my life took a turn for the better when I was 36 and where I thought I would never do it again, I married again when I was 37. This time I married the love of my life and am still as happy as I was back then. About a year before we got married I ended up with quite a good job and in a very short time, I was a manager, with a couple of ladies working in my department. But, the person who should have had my back, didn’t. I got stuck between my manager and the owner of the company and in 2012 had a burnout. It was terrible.
I have never completely healed from it. Ever since I had the burnout, it’s almost like I am weaker than I was before. I can still handle stress, but only to a certain amount. Just over three years after my burnout, and with still at least one episode per week where my work made me cry, I cut back to working four days a week in 2016. A couple of months in I finally started feeling stronger.
As everyone who frequently reads this blog knows, Master T started having health problems in September 2016. The last months of 2016 and first month of 2017 was hard, but okay. We could handle it. I could support him in everything he needed. Then we learned that mom was ill, and that’s where I switched off my own feelings and put all my energy in supporting mom and my husband (more about this tomorrow).
It’s almost 16 months since mom has passed, and mentally I am a mess. Not everyone sees it. Some people think I am totally okay and handling everything perfectly. I know it’s not true. I hide away from questions about how I am really doing, because that makes me cry.
Picking myself up
The questions this week for Food for Thought is all about picking yourself up when you are down. Let’s see if, by answering the questions, I can figure out how and if I do it.
What do you do to try and pick yourself up when you are down?
I eat. I cry. I flee the house. I write. I withdraw myself from the people around me.
Yes, I think that about sums it up.
I am an emotional eater, hence the reason why I just cannot get any weight off at this moment despite my frequent trips to the gym. Every day I make the decision to watch what I eat, and every day I eat something ‘wrong’.
When I flee the house, I don’t do it alone. I get this feeling that I need to get out, and then we go to our local bar, where we come far to frequently. But, having a coffee and sometimes also a glass of wine does make me feel better.
When I cry, I never do it where others can see it. It’s not that they are not allowed to see it or I think they won’t understand. It’s just me. I go to the bathroom and stand there, sobbing or sit on the loo and sob. And then I come back into the room and I know everyone can see my puffy eyes, but I ignore there glances and pretend everything is okay. They know me well enough not to say anything about it.
The other thing I do is to write. Whether it’s fiction (which I still find difficult at this moment) or like now, about my feelings and thoughts, writing always helps. And yes, sometimes, it makes me cry. Tears are not far away at this moment, as this post comes too close to my own feelings.
Have you got any tried and tested techniques to lift your spirits when things are dark and grim?
None at all. All of the above helps, but all of the above doesn’t help all the time. Sometimes one thing helps and sometimes the other.
When all else fails, how do you look after you?
I am bad a this. I have gone to our doc to talk, and he has send me through to the psych, but I am to the point where I know something has to change (also more about this in tomorrow’s post). My best friend has a habit of sending me a message when I am at my lowest, and I can talk to her. She doesn’t only say nice things, but is strict with me and suggests things I can do to look after myself better.
I need to look after myself better than I am doing now, but I need help to know how I should do it.
© Rebel’s Notes