My Space

Life happens too fast around me.

The last year I have battled to keep up. Battled with the pace of life. I wanted to grab it and make it stop. Wanted it to pause. Wanted it to stand still the way I was.

I needed to regroup. I needed to find myself.

I am a daughter, but I have no mother.

I was a manager, but couldn’t manage, so opted to be dismissed of that task.

I am a sub, but I currently have no control from my Master, as his health makes him unable to give it.

This all might just seem like things that can happen in life, but everything happened at the same time. I supported my mom during her sickbed, watching her die a little bit every day. At the same time I supported my husband, watching him struggle with his increasing disability. In this process of caring for others, I lost myself.

I am still trying to find myself. To reconnect with my feelings. To understand where I stand in life, who I am now everything has changed.

The one way to do that is to create space for me. A space to be. A space to find myself. To reconnect. But… I have difficulty finding that space and I don’t really understand why. Maybe because of the unprocessed grief, not only for my mom’s passing but also for the way my life has changed.

I try. I really try to find my space,but honestly, I struggle.

What activities do you indulge in to take care of you?

The only two activities I can think about are my alone-time orgasms and going to the gym. I don’t fully enjoy the orgasms where I am all alone, and for which I don’t have any permission. I prefer Master T to be part of it, but at this moment it’s just not an option.
As for going to the gym, that definitely is something I enjoy. I enjoy the sweating, the walking, working to my goals, and I even enjoy the muscle ache. Nowadays I do it with my oldest daughter, which is definitely nice, but I also enjoyed the times when I went to the gym alone,. Those were the times I could fully concentrate only on myself, feel the strain of my muscles when I did the power training exercises and push myself when I did cardio. I can still do that, but I am then constantly watching my daughter and making sure she’s ‘enjoying’ herself too. But please, don’t get me wrong, going to the gym with my daughter is always nice!

How regularly do you make time for yourself?

Not regular enough.

I wish I had more time for myself, but juggling my time between what the family needs (chores and grocery shopping and time to talk about issues that are important to them) and work and blogging, means I have little time to attend to my own needs. I do occasionally take the day or part of the day ‘off’ to tend only to my own needs, like going to the hairdresser or spending the day at the spa with my best friend, but that happens far and in between all the other things that need my attention. I wish I had more hours in my day to do everything, as I really find it difficult to come to terms with the new rhythm of my life.

Is your sex life part of your self-care regime and, if so, what part does it play and how?

I guess the fact that I have my ‘alone-orgasms’ means that it’s part of my self-care regime, but I just wish I could stop feeling guilty about it. Even though Master T tentatively gave me permission for those orgasm, I still feel guilty about them and sneak them in when he’s not around, and make sure they happen before he enters the bedroom. That means that they do relax me, but in a way they also stress me. It’s like I just cannot have those orgasm without feeling guilty…

Something else…

One thing I do frequently (once a month) is to go to a masseuse for a firm sport massage. I need it. She helps to loosen the muscles in my back, and tries to massage the stress out of my body. However, just last week we realized that she’s not succeeding in it anymore. I wake up at night with pain in my pelvis and no matter how I toss and turn, I just cannot find a position anymore in which it doesn’t hurt. Add to that the fact that my groin started hurting so much that I feel the pain in my labia, she decided to refer me to a haptonomic therapist she has been seeing for quite some time. I have read about it, and it seems they don’t only treat the body, but also the mind. Seeing the current status with the grief counselor (post to follow), this might just add to the healing process. I still have to make an appointment, but I want to think about it a bit more before I give it a try.

Maybe, just maybe, this will teach me a lot more about taking care of myself, and making sure I have a lot more ‘me-time’.

© Rebel’s Notes

Food for Thought Friday

4 thoughts on “My Space

  1. I’m sending support and hope you can carve out what seems to be very much need time and space for you, however that may look. When identities and norms leave us it can be really hard though to navigate and claim what we deserve, you’ve given me some ideas for myself here so thank you and take care xx

  2. It is hard. Life is hectic enough when you don’t have the additional pressures of bereavement, health (your own and Master T’s) to contend with on top of everything else.

    I’m sure, however, I’m not the only member of the community who finds you inspirational. Seeing how you cope with the struggles in your life has been known to give me extra impetus to contend with my own.

    One thing I have learned in this community is that people often take strength and support from our words even when we primarily write them for our own benefit.

    Stay strong. Stay amazing. Stay inspirational. Stay you!

    1. This must be one of the nicest and kindest comments I have ever received on my blog. Thank you so much! xox

  3. Oh Rebel. I really hope your find the mental space/care you need. You’re so valuable and I’d hate for you to fall completely apart. Please take care of yourself.

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