My assignment for the third appointment with my grief counselor wasn’t to write anything, but I had to think about the social contacts I have. This is because of what I had said in the previous appointment, that I told my mom everything. She wanted me to think about my social contacts to see if there was a ‘replacement’ for the conversations I cannot have wit mom anymore.

This wasn’t a difficult assignment. When I left her office I already had all the answers. I don’t have a big social circle, and then again I do. The social contacts I put on my list are:

  • Master T: he is one of two people who knows everything about me, and I tell him almost everything. I say almost, because there are some things I don’t tell, because there’s no purpose to do it. This is where it differs from telling my mom things… I could tell her everything whether there was a purpose or not. I sometimes talk to him about my grief, but mostly keep it to myself. Not because of him, but because of me.
  • My oldest daughter: I can tell her a lot too, but I obviously tell her less than my husband because of some subjects. I can talk to her about my grief because she understands. My mother was like a mother to her too and she understands my grief. However, I do sometimes keep things to myself. The same her as with my husband. Not because of her, but because of me.
  • My best friend: this is the only other person besides Master T who knows everything about me. I also talk to her about my grief and ask her questions about it, because she lost her mom to cancer 6 years ago. However, I don’t see her that much and even though we have frequent text contact, there’s just not enough time to tell her everything.
  • Our lunch/dinner friends: sometimes I tell them things, but mostly I don’t. They all understand and all are willing to listen, but not seeing them in real life so much makes me want to talk about other things and hear about their lives too.
  • Twitter: yes, I put this in my list too, because this is a place where I feel comfortable enough to share personal things, but only up to a certain height.

We talked very little about this as the counselor wanted to concentrate more on the other part of my assignment: reading and re-reading what I had written for the first appointment. She wanted me to do this to bring my emotions to the surface; to help me work through my grief.

I ‘failed’ with this part of the assignment. I read the piece maybe three times. It stayed with me. I thought about it daily, but what I thought about more was how little emotions there were. I read it and that was it. I knew what I read, but the tears cried when I wrote it and when I had to read it out loud and even when I translated it to English stayed away.

The more I thought about it, and this was also what I told the counselor (and then I had to cry), is that I am switching off my emotion because I know so well what I have written.

I am disconnecting from my feelings; my grief.

I know it’s not good.

Because of the disconnection, of pushing my feelings away, my next assignment has nothing to do with writing. It’s not going to be an easy one…

PS: Today is also the fourth anniversary of the passing of my favorite aunt, my mom’s oldest sister. Who ever thought at that moment that my mom (the baby of the family) would follow less than three years later.

© Rebel’s Notes

Wicked Wednesday

10 thoughts on “Disconnecting

  1. I can really relate to this. My mom passed away Christmas Eve 2015. I still get emotional thinking about it, but I’m not a big talker/sharer, so the idea of counseling never appealed to me. I had one big venting on my blog, but that was about it. I hope the counseling is working for you. All the best! 🙂

  2. Knowing how counseling helps me in my issues, and dang has it taken a time getting through those issues, I am sooo happy that you are taking care of you by doing this. I can feel your emotions in your words and can see how supported you are in this community! I hope you see it too <3 xx

  3. Dear we all grieve in different ways. Honestly a counselor is only a tool, of course they are a person too but the service they offer is what I am talking about. They can help you with some of the issues but in the dark of the night when the wave of emotions hit, you must deal with that wave, not them.
    Detachment till it is the proper time to deal with things is one of the things they hated about me. once the raw freshness of the pain has passed then if is more manageable in blocks, at least in the way I think.
    I am honored to be in some small way a part of your social circle

  4. I agree with much that’s already been written and I feel for you. It’s been 18 months since mum died but I’m only now considering if I need to go to a grief counsellor when I return home… it’s such a varied and tricky process especially when one grief comes hard on another. Do what helps you, but don’t judge yourself and try not to compare love, we are all different.

  5. Grief is a bugger – I so hope the sessions help and please keep telling us about them – it may actually be helping u to post them on your blog.

    I don’t think I will ever get over my muns death – It is just something that I suppose i have had to get used to.

  6. Oh sweet, wifey. Grief is such a shitty ride-along in life, but who doesn’t have to carry him around with us, sometimes like Sisyphus, sometimes like Superman? When I disconnect from my grief it is absolutely a way to protect myself, to wait until I’m ready. There’s no rushing the healing, after all. And the grief will still be there, a part of us forever. Just maybe less annoying, less loud. My fear for you is that you become too hard on yourself for not grieving “properly” or “healthily.” I don’t know that those terms can ever be applied to grief. It’s such an assailant on our lives, all we can do is stay above water. Would we critique a drowning man for his technique to stay alive? Never. Nor should we be too critical with how we grieve. You’re a beautiful, beautiful human and I’m happy to know you. All my love and hugs, Hy xx

  7. Whilst it’s not the same, I know if I think of something difficult from my past and don’t feel much of anything that I’ve disconnected or disassociated from that memory/event, even temporarily. I think it’s important to remember it’s just you doing your best to protect you, even if it’s not necessarily helpful in terms of therapy progress but maybe just part of it. I was once told by a therapist that thanking myself for protecting myself can help move the block, just an idea. You’re doing really well and I’m thinking of you as you work through this incredibly difficult work xx.

  8. I have a massive disconnect when it comes to the grief I feel over losing my Mum, I know I do, I know it wasn’t a healthy way to go, but almost 9 years to the day of losing her I feel like I am somewhat stuck with my method. While I don’t doubt that therapy isn’t always comfortable and might make things feel worse before they feel better, I am so pleased you are attending your sessions and I hope that they eventually bring you to a place of peace and calm. Even though I know you will always feel your loss in some way, I do hope it eases x

  9. we all reading your blog (thoughts) can see how difficult it has been for you to come to terms with your grief. i can only say that i think you are doing the right thing. writing about it does help – i guess it wont take the pain away but time should slowly help, the scar will stay but the pain will i hope gradually fade to a manageable level
    you have my thoughts and best wishes and i am sure the thoughts and best wishes of most of your readers

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