My assignment for the third appointment with my grief counselor wasn’t to write anything, but I had to think about the social contacts I have. This is because of what I had said in the previous appointment, that I told my mom everything. She wanted me to think about my social contacts to see if there was a ‘replacement’ for the conversations I cannot have wit mom anymore.
This wasn’t a difficult assignment. When I left her office I already had all the answers. I don’t have a big social circle, and then again I do. The social contacts I put on my list are:
- Master T: he is one of two people who knows everything about me, and I tell him almost everything. I say almost, because there are some things I don’t tell, because there’s no purpose to do it. This is where it differs from telling my mom things… I could tell her everything whether there was a purpose or not. I sometimes talk to him about my grief, but mostly keep it to myself. Not because of him, but because of me.
- My oldest daughter: I can tell her a lot too, but I obviously tell her less than my husband because of some subjects. I can talk to her about my grief because she understands. My mother was like a mother to her too and she understands my grief. However, I do sometimes keep things to myself. The same her as with my husband. Not because of her, but because of me.
- My best friend: this is the only other person besides Master T who knows everything about me. I also talk to her about my grief and ask her questions about it, because she lost her mom to cancer 6 years ago. However, I don’t see her that much and even though we have frequent text contact, there’s just not enough time to tell her everything.
- Our lunch/dinner friends: sometimes I tell them things, but mostly I don’t. They all understand and all are willing to listen, but not seeing them in real life so much makes me want to talk about other things and hear about their lives too.
- Twitter: yes, I put this in my list too, because this is a place where I feel comfortable enough to share personal things, but only up to a certain height.
We talked very little about this as the counselor wanted to concentrate more on the other part of my assignment: reading and re-reading what I had written for the first appointment. She wanted me to do this to bring my emotions to the surface; to help me work through my grief.
I ‘failed’ with this part of the assignment. I read the piece maybe three times. It stayed with me. I thought about it daily, but what I thought about more was how little emotions there were. I read it and that was it. I knew what I read, but the tears cried when I wrote it and when I had to read it out loud and even when I translated it to English stayed away.
The more I thought about it, and this was also what I told the counselor (and then I had to cry), is that I am switching off my emotion because I know so well what I have written.
I am disconnecting from my feelings; my grief.
I know it’s not good.
Because of the disconnection, of pushing my feelings away, my next assignment has nothing to do with writing. It’s not going to be an easy one…
PS: Today is also the fourth anniversary of the passing of my favorite aunt, my mom’s oldest sister. Who ever thought at that moment that my mom (the baby of the family) would follow less than three years later.
© Rebel’s Notes