Some of you might have seen my meltdown post in the past weekend. It all happened when the voices in my head started telling me that I am not good enough, that the fact that Master T’s libido is still non-existent, despite not taking the antidepressants anymore, is all about me. I am not sexy anymore. I am not worth the effort, because I don’t excite him anymore. Those voices were strong, very strong and I believed them.
No, that is not entirely true.
I know they are wrong. I know he still loves me, still wants me, still desires me. Consciously I know it, but I want to hear it.
I want to feel it.
My mind wandered to things I could do to spark his interest again. But not only that, I thought about how I could get sex back into my life again. I want it back in our life, but I cannot force him to do something he doesn’t feel, and practical me thought about ways to make it better for me.
I thought about people we know…
… the man we have now met a couple of times. Nothing sexy, just open talk about everything. What if I offer him a chance to dominate me from a distance? Would it help me to feel my submission again? Would it take the pressure off Master T? Would it work for me, when someone gives me tasks, tells me what to do and show him evidence of it? Would it bring back the focus for me? Would Master T agree to something like this? Maybe if we do it like this for a while, Master T might be up for it to date with this man and have him do ‘things’ to me, so I can really feel them?
The thought of this is appealing, but is this really what I want?
… another man, who has given me an erotic massage some years ago. He contacted me when he saw my tweet, and a massage was mentioned. He promised me one for my fiftieth birthday, so he actually still owes me one. I visualize the date we had back then and I already drool just thinking about the hard fucking he gave me back then. Oh god, if only I could have that again.
… Sophia and her man. We have a lunch date with them soon. Couldn’t we arrange for a weekend away with them? Wouldn’t a weekend away just be the thing to spark things again, for Master T to take the whips and canes and to hurt me the way I need him to? And maybe, just maybe he will also fuck me?
Is this the way to go? To collaborate with other people in sparking Master T’s interest again?
I’m in doubt about the answer to that question. My first instinct is to say no, but then I wonder if it might not be a yes. I am not one to push, especially not if it’s about my own needs. I let things run their course and wait patiently until things are as they should be again. But somehow I feel I need to take action. I need to make sure that Master T knows how much I miss things. He knows. I know that’s what he is going to say, but I still need to say it. To hear the words out loud.
And maybe part of the action indeed is to involve other people, but before and if I do, I will have to have a good conversation with Master T. He needs to know how I feel, that I am spiraling down into my own bad thoughts, that the voices in my head tells me ugly things, and I am starting to believe them.
Only he can help me to quiet those voices in my head forever.