Love is not always about rainbows and roses. It’s hard work. Always hard work. Even if it doesn’t feel like hard work, it still is.
When you love someone, and you make a commitment to them, you cannot just sit back and think: okay, we love each other and all will be good forever. In my opinion, then the love is doomed to die. To maintain the love you feel for someone, you have to keep on communicating, keep on talking to each other about important things, but also about the every day things. Talk to each other about the things that make you tick, the things that interest you, the things that inspire you. Make sure you listen to the other person, to what he/she might be saying without words.
Master T and I can complete each other’s sentences. It happens so frequently that I think of something and he says it out loud, or the other way around. Even in the times where I make it so difficult for myself by not telling him of my worries and my needs, we still complete each other’s sentences, we still ‘read’ each other’s thoughts.
Our love is the basis of everything. We both had hard lives before we met each other; before we moved on as one, and the hardships of before has taught us all we know today, and has made us appreciate what we have: the love so many people see and compliment us on.
Then, I can hear you ask, why is it so difficult for me to tell him when I am doubting myself? When I am worried he might not like me anymore?
Because I have never learned to do that. I have always put the need of others before my own. My kids, my husband(s), my mom, friends, colleagues, everyone. I never thought of myself as important, as someone who can speak out and share her needs. I don’t want to come across as selfish, or unhappy, or ungrateful, so I rather keep my mouth shut and spiral deeper and deeper into a dark abyss, until I am so unhappy that no one can get around it. Even then, if asked ‘what’s wrong?’, I say ‘nothing’.
I know I should not do this. I know it’s wrong. I know I am important too.
I can give others advice on how to make time for themselves, how to love themselves, but I cannot apply that advice to myself. Just recently I gave someone online the advice to make time for herself, to make sure she loves herself. I advised her to at least once a day take half an hour for herself, where ONLY she counts.
Make yourself a cup of tea, sit down, hold the tea, stare out of the window, be with yourself and slowly sip your tea while you really focus on yourself, only yourself.
Why then can I not apply this to myself?
I don’t have the answers yet. I do like myself. I even think I can say I do love myself. However, that doesn’t show in my actions. I am quick to say that the fact that I cannot speak up about things I need or miss is just part of my character, but I am also a strong believer that we can change; that we can learn new skills.
One skill I should learn is to be true to the love I feel for myself, to protect myself from hurting myself by not taking care of my own needs. If my own need is to share with Master T that I need this or that, then I should do so without feeling guilty or selfish or ungrateful.
Does that even make sense?
Loving someone else is hard work.
Loving yourself is even harder work!