Allow me to talk about aspects of our relationship, the fascination I have for Histoire d’O and the similarities between the two. I frequently call the movie my ‘training video’. Each time I see it, I discover more aspects of my submissive self.
Continued from… The Story of O (14) – Examining
You want the dream to end for fear that you might not bear it. Yet, you want to know how it ends.
In the past post I mentioned how to me there is a fine line between being examined and being judged. The one makes me horny and the other triggers so many insecurities that I want to hide away in the corner.
However, I have been thinking about this fine line some more, especially when I read the above words from The Story of O. I have to admit that I am curious.
What if I allow someone to judge me? Not just anyone, but someone I trust? What exactly is it that I am afraid of?
I think what I am really afraid of is that I will be humiliated. Rejected. What if the person judging me tells me he doesn’t like the scar on my tummy? Or that my ass is just too round? Or my belly to big? If that is said, I might burst out in tears and all sexy feeling will be gone instantly. That is something I know for sure. However, if I am being judged and I am being told that I am a slut because my cunt is wet, or my big nipples is only good for pinching, or my round ass is begging for a spanking… now those are things that will make me blush, but a the same time it will tap right into some very sexy feelings.
Next question that comes up with me: what if something is being said about parts of my body that I am feeling insecure about, but it’s followed by a sexy comment? I think that could work for me, but only if I trust the person. Only if I know the person really likes me just the way I am. Then I think it could work for me.
You see, I want to enter a dream but yes, I fear I might not be able to bear it. At the same time I want to know how it ends. I want someone to tell me how I am not good enough, or parts of me aren’t and then for them to devour those very parts. I want them to treat me like a slut, but later treat me like a lady. I want to be fucked hard, want to be told that it’s all I am good for, but then to be loved and cuddled afterwards. I think that would work for me.
Somehow, I think all of this ties right in with how I want to be used for the pleasure of someone else. That is a dream to me, being used, being someone’s fucktoy, but still to be treated with love and respect.
Does that even make sense?
To be continued… The Story of O (16) – An Alibi