About two weeks ago I stopped wearing this day collar. I had to, because after wearing it every day for four years, it is starting to rub off on me. Literally. It cannot be repaired and I am quite sad about this.
I wore some of my older day collars a couple of times, but actually I am going without a day collar more and more nowadays. It feels strange not to wear it but it was getting more and more difficult to put it around my neck, because really, what’s the point? It sometimes just makes me feel like a fraud.
I have questioned myself many times about this. Why does it make me feel like a fraud? Even though our D/s is dormant at this moment, it’s not gone. It’s still slumbering under the surface. Just this past weekend Master T had a moment where he grabbed my hair, pulled my head back and then pinched my nipples. No matter how hard I cried (we had just had a good and long talk and I had cried quite a lot, and this moment happened sort of naturally after he had consoled me), he was relentless, the way I know him during sessions. My tears changed from tears of sadness and frustration to tears of pain and… relief?
He is still in there somewhere, my Mijnheer, but he’s struggling to get back to where we were. I don’t want to tell him over and over again how much I miss the D/s between us. We have always said that the most important thing is our marriage, and that is still true. But then we made our D/s commitment and that is pretty damn important too. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier for us just to say the D/s is over, instead of constantly saying we will get back to it.
But, when I have this thought everything in me screams: NO!
I know he misses it too. He told me in one of our conversations. He too wants to get back to the D/s, wants to see me being fucked by another man again, wants to whip my ass until the marks show. He misses it, maybe not as much as I do, but he misses it, and that helps to carry me through many difficult times.
So why don’t I want to wear my day collar? Why do I feel like a fraud at times? I know I shouldn’t. My being a sub is not a role I played. It’s who I am. But, with my sub-side not being nurtured, not being stimulated, I am sort of ‘ignoring’ it, because then I miss it just a little bit less. Maybe somewhere along the line the day collar has become a symbol of what I don’t have at this moment and that’s the reason I don’t miss it?
That’s not true either. I do miss it. I like to feel the weight of it around my neck, because it reminds me of the good times Master T and I had together, and that even though we are in a kind of ‘dormant state’ at this moment, I am still his. He is still my owner and he will be for as long as he is my husband, even if eventually nothing D/s-y happens anymore.
I have another Swarovski collar, but the chain on it is a bit short. Maybe I should just take it to the jeweler to lengthen it, and I can start wearing my day collar again. Because, through writing this, I realize that I might feel like a fraud at times, but those times are not as frequent as the times that I still feel like his sub, that I still feel my submission.
Maybe I am not a fraud after all…
© Rebel’s Notes