A Fraud

day collar

About two weeks ago I stopped wearing this day collar. I had to, because after wearing it every day for four years, it is starting to rub off on me. Literally. It cannot be repaired and I am quite sad about this.

I wore some of my older day collars a couple of times, but actually I am going without a day collar more and more nowadays. It feels strange not to wear it but it was getting more and more difficult to put it around my neck, because really, what’s the point? It sometimes just makes me feel like a fraud.

I have questioned myself many times about this. Why does it make me feel like a fraud? Even though our D/s is dormant at this moment, it’s not gone. It’s still slumbering under the surface. Just this past weekend Master T had a moment where he grabbed my hair, pulled my head back and then pinched my nipples. No matter how hard I cried (we had just had a good and long talk and I had cried quite a lot, and this moment happened sort of naturally after he had consoled me), he was relentless, the way I know him during sessions. My tears changed from tears of sadness and frustration to tears of pain and… relief?

He is still in there somewhere, my Mijnheer, but he’s struggling to get back to where we were. I don’t want to tell him over and over again how much I miss the D/s between us. We have always said that the most important thing is our marriage, and that is still true. But then we made our D/s commitment and that is pretty damn important too. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier for us just to say the D/s is over, instead of constantly saying we will get back to it.

But, when I have this thought everything in me screams: NO!
I know he misses it too. He told me in one of our conversations. He too wants to get back to the D/s, wants to see me being fucked by another man again, wants to whip my ass until the marks show. He misses it, maybe not as much as I do, but he misses it, and that helps to carry me through many difficult times.

So why don’t I want to wear my day collar? Why do I feel like a fraud at times? I know I shouldn’t. My being a sub is not a role I played. It’s who I am. But, with my sub-side not being nurtured, not being stimulated, I am sort of ‘ignoring’ it, because then I miss it just a little bit less. Maybe somewhere along the line the day collar has become a symbol of what I don’t have at this moment and that’s the reason I don’t miss it?

That’s not true either. I do miss it. I like to feel the weight of it around my neck, because it reminds me of the good times Master T and I had together, and that even though we are in a kind of ‘dormant state’ at this moment, I am still his. He is still my owner and he will be for as long as he is my husband, even if eventually nothing D/s-y happens anymore.

I have another Swarovski collar, but the chain on it is a bit short. Maybe I should just take it to the jeweler to lengthen it, and I can start wearing my day collar again. Because, through writing this, I realize that I might feel like a fraud at times, but those times are not as frequent as the times that I still feel like his sub, that I still feel my submission.

Maybe I am not a fraud after all…

© Rebel’s Notes

Wicked Wednesday

9 thoughts on “A Fraud

  1. I can’t think for one moment that you are a fraud – life can get confusing and complicated at times but it is how we feel that counts x

  2. I really can feel the frustration in this post, as well as understand it. It is a difficult situation to be in.
    I hope things come around soon for you

  3. We have periods where our D/s can feel ‘less’ too. We sort of tick over and I think of it as bread and butter D/s rather than the bells and whistles D/s. It is not where we want it to be but it hasn’t left us. I suppose sometimes it can be less active and some of the intensity is gone. I think because it is so encompassing when it is working well that it can feel flat when it isn’t – higher highs and lower lows – but if you still feel that you are his, you are still available to him and focussed on him and meeting his needs (even if they are for some time to own his Dominance again) then I think that you are still his submissive which is probably what your collar symbolises to you. I think that we all experience dips in the momentum of the dynamic and the fact that you are honest about this certainly doesn’t make you a fraud -anything but. Not sure if any of this helps but you are not alone in how you feel.

  4. I can relate, my day collar of a number of years was broken (by a cat catching the chain of all things!) and by the time I had chosen a replacement we had allowed a number of stressors of life to get in the way of our D/s and I had become used to a bare neck. I didn’t feel quite right about wearing the new one whilst things were on the down low as it symbolised something that wasn’t where I wanted it to be at that point. I hope you can feel the comfort in wearing your day collar again soon x

    1. This makes so much se sense and your ‘it symbolized something that wasn’t where I wanted it to be’ perfectly says what I feel. Thank you for your comment as it makes me feel that I am not alone in this.

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