Continued from I’m not a Threat (1)
It’s ‘new year’s eve’ for me, the evening before my birthday. The closer my birthday came, the more emotional I got. Master T went outside frequently to smoke and there was a moment where he and this man were outside together. When they came back in, Master T leaned over to me and said: “He just told me that they haven’t been on your website; that they are not going to do it.”
I just shrugged. My emotions were running high because I missed my mom and I couldn’t care one bit whether they were on my website or not, as the evening grew older, my emotions got more intense and half an hour before midnight, I couldn’t stop the tears anymore. As I wiped my tears I saw them looking at me, but I averted my eyes. By then I wished I could stop the tears but I could not.
Then he came over to us.
“You don’t have to cry about us,” he said and I literally snorted.
“I’m not,” I said.
“We have decided not to look at your website.”
“Fine,” I said.
“So you don’t have to cry about us.”
“I’m not crying about you.”
“Your business card was on the table for three days and we talked about it several times and have decided that we prefer to know you as you are over here, and not as you are on your website.”
“The way I am on my website is the way I am over here. I am one person.”
It was as if he didn’t hear me as the next thing he said was: “So you don’t have to cry about us.”
By now I was starting to feel irritation and anger and I said, as politely but deliberately as possible: “I am NOT crying about you. I am crying because it will be my birthday in fifteen minutes and I miss my mom. This is the first birthday without her.”
“You should be glad,” he said. “Glad that this is the way you can think about her. Because I can’t. I cannot think about my parents that way because of the incest by my uncle and…”
I stopped listening. I could hardly believe that at that moment, the moment where I am vulnerable and sad and crying, he would once again start about his incest. Don’t get me wrong. What happened to him was terrible. Serious. But, to me, that was NOT the moment to start about it. I nodded politely and assured him once again that I was NOT crying about them and I was relieved when he returned to his wife.
They talked, or rather, he talked and she frequently looked at me. I had to go to the loo and to do so, I had to walk pass them. When I did, she reached for me and told exactly what he said started all over again: “You don’t have to cry about us.”
I told her that I was crying about my mom. That my birthday started just a couple of minutes ago and I miss my mom and she doesn’t have to worry, I am definitely not crying about them. She seemed surprise to hear this, didn’t congratulate me on my birthday (neither did he) and assured me once again that they have destroyed my business card and I don’t have to cry about them. I loosened her grip on my arm and continued my way to the loo.
We have seen them several times after that and will probably continue to see them regularly in the future. I am always happy when they are not there on a Saturday evening. Sometimes, though, when I haven’t had a thought of them all evening, they would unpleasantly surprise me by walking in.
You see, he is making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. No wait, coming to think of it, they both are. Where I said I hope we can have ‘normal’ contact again, I know now it will never happen. When they are there, she does her absolute best not to look at me. Not directly, that is. Sometimes I ‘feel’ someone looking at me and the moment I look up, she turns her head away. He, however, stares. I catch him time and again watching me. He takes a sip from his glass of beer and looks at me over his class. He stands behind her and he looks at me. He always has this smile on his face. A knowing smile. Every time I see the smile, I wonder: have you been on my blog? Have you lied to me? Have you seen more than you are admitting?
Where I never mind if someone visits my blog, in this case I do. Why? Because he lied. Not only to me, but also to his wife. It’s obvious she doesn’t trust me, but she has nothing to fear from me. Even if things were still ‘normal’ between us, he’s not my cup of tea. Back when things were ‘normal’ I liked him as someone to talk to but not once had I had the thought that I would want ‘more’; that he might be of ‘interest’. That’s not the kind of connection I felt. The connection I felt was one where I could talk openly. That’s also the reason I gave them my card. I trusted them and they violated my trust. That’s how this makes me feel. They way he stares at me makes me feel that over and over again. As if, every time he stares at me with that look in his eyes – you know the look where it feels as if someone is undressing you with their eyes; that! – he violates my trust again.
I am not a threat to anyone. I never will be because I am intensely happy and content with Master T. It pains me that she seems to think I am a threat; that she treats me like I am a threat. It pains me to see that the one who is a threat to her happiness is the one who is the cause of her happiness.
And there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. I know one thing: I will never give my business card to anyone again without a long, hard think!
© Rebel’s Notes
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