I need to hammer out this blog post while the emotions are still running high. While I feel the tears burning my eyes. It might be a rambling post and it might not be, but I need to get it out of my system. Master T says that I shouldn’t be so concerned about it, but I cannot help it, for various reasons. It’s 1am on a Sunday morning in early February as I write this and we have just returned from a night out. They were there again…
But let me start at the beginning.
We’ve been going to this new place since the time my mom was sick, and we love this place a lot more than the previous place we regularly went to. We are meeting lots of interesting people there, having interesting conversations and sharing things that I never thought I would share. Some weeks ago we met a couple. Or rather, I met them. It so happened that Master T had spoken to them once or twice when he was outside or on the other side of the bar. He makes contact with new people a lot easier than I do. So this particular night they came to stand on our side of the bar and I got to know them better. She’s a beautiful woman, a bit more introvert than he is. He’s an outgoing man and always has a smile ready for everyone. He also seemed to be genuinely interested in us.
A week later they were there again. The moment they walked in they came to us and we were greeted with kisses on the cheek, like friends. Two other men joined us and she had a conversation with one of them. I had a conversation with her husband.
Now I think it was this second time that we saw each other that we spoke about tattoos. They wanted to know whether I had a photo of mine and I showed them the one on my back. I mentioned the one around my breast and he wanted to see that too, but I only have one image on my blog. I searched for it, enlarged it on my screen so he couldn’t see my nipple and showed it to him. But, he was quick to swipe his fingers over the screen and there it was, my breast in full glory – nipple and all.
We didn’t only speak about tattoos. We spoke about incest (on his side) and not wanting to see certain family members again. We spoke about me writing about sex and he said that having a sex blog doesn’t make me a ‘strange’ person. He asked me for my blog address and I said no. Master T said that I shouldn’t have mentioned it then, but I feel I can talk about my blog when I want, and then, when someone asks for the link, I can still say no. However, that specific night I considered giving this man my card. He told me both him and his wife are open-minded. I had to think about it for a while, but long story short: I trusted them enough to give him my business card. When I gave it to him I said: “For your eyes only, yours and your wife’s. But for no one else!”
He then turned around to his wife and showed her the card, telling her that it was only for them, and repeating that they can be trusted. As if he wanted her to re-assure me. She didn’t. I watched for several moments as she started talking to him, not once looking at me, but I couldn’t hear what she said, because of the music. He moved over to her and every now and then I glanced at them and it seemed their conversation was heated. I had the feeling it was about my business card, about him showing too much interest. I tried not to let it affect me, but I couldn’t put it out of my mind.
That was four weeks ago.
Tonight they were there again. They sat on the other side of the bar and she greeted us, but wasn’t overly friendly. He greeted too later, and was a bit more friendly. I caught him looking at me a couple of times, but she barely looked in our direction. Later I had to go to the bathroom and just as I came out of it, she was on her way there. We had a short, uncomfortable conversation about almost nothing and he joined in too, but it was still uncomfortable. They moved places at the bar, but still not closer to us. The rest of the evening went the same: I occasionally caught his eye; she paid us not attention at all. When they left he half pulled up his shoulders as if he wanted to apologize for something and then they left.
I cannot tell you how incredibly uncomfortable this makes me feel. It’s not because I know he can see and read my blog. No, it’s because I have this feeling she sees me as a threat and that’s the least I am. I really like them and felt at ease with both of them (and that says a lot as I’m rarely so at ease with people I don’t know well). Somehow I cannot help but wonder whether she has told him that he’s not allowed to come talk to us. I’ve seen him move freely around the bar before, going from one group to the other and talking to everyone and tonight he stuck to her side. I don’t know. I really don’t. Somehow I think I trusted them too quickly, that I shouldn’t have given him my card. Once again, not because I mind them looking at my site, but I don’t want to be the cause of trouble between a couple. Not now. Not ever. That’s the main thing bugging me at this moment.
I just hope that in the coming weeks we will see them again and that we can have ‘normal’ contact again so she can see I am not a threat and never will be.
Fast forward three weeks…
To be continued… I’m not a Threat (2)
© Rebel’s Notes
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