We are halfway through the challenge of #30DayOrgasmFun and I have promised myself to post an update every week, looking back on the week prior. As mentioned before, my challenge is not only the #30DayOrgasmFun but also to get back to a LCHF way of eating.
If there is one thing that Tabitha has managed with this challenge, it is for me to get back in touch with myself. Only now that I am, do I realize just how I was heading for some form of self-destruction. Okay, that sounds a lot worse than it is, but then again, I am quite good at scaling things down, at assuring people I am okay even though I am broken inside.
This past week I thought about orgasms every day, but I had only a handful. On Tuesday, I was in a mischievous mood and while we were at our regular hangout, I had to go to the loo. There, with my legs spread wide, sitting on the toilet, I softly started rubbing myself, but it didn’t take long before my movements grew more urgent. I returned to the bar with a huge grin on my face, which no one noticed! The day after I used my trusted Womanizer to give me a quiet, but strong orgasm. That was Wednesday. Thursday, Friday and Saturday there were no orgasms. Oh, the thoughts to have them were there for sure, but each day I chose not to have them. One of those days I didn’t feel well, the other I was just too tired and on Saturday I only went to bed at 2am and by then all I wanted to do was to sleep.
Sunday morning was different. We were up late. Really late. We were awake earlier, but both of us chose to just stay in bed, so the afternoon was already half an hour old before Master T got up. I threw the covers back and lay there, naked. My skin felt soft under my hands and I loved running my fingers over the soft flesh of my freshly waxed mound. By then Master T had left the room. I reached for my Womanizer, trapped it between my legs, reached for my phone and searched for some porn. By the time my orgasm was a fact, I was actually ready to go back to sleep again, but got up to go downstairs where Master T had a cup of tea ready for me.
Yesterday I spent all afternoon in bed, but there was no sexy times. I left work to go to bed as I seem to have a cold that leaves me feeling blegh. Hopefully the extra sleep and meds will let it pass very quickly.
As for getting back on track with the LCHF way of eating, I totally failed. I got on the scale on Wednesday and realized I had lost almost a kilogram, which is not much but is more than I thought I would have lost seeing that I am still eating too much carbs. It got me thinking. Yes, I need to cut back on the carbs because I get tummy aches, but was that the real reason I wanted to get back to my LCHF diet? No. The real reason was that I want to loose weight because I think I need to. I want to look better. I want to be thinner. I want to be sexier. It had me looking in the mirror several days in a row, mostly just after I got dressed in the morning. I didn’t look that bad, do I? Yes, I have a tummy, but doesn’t most women above fifty have them? Yes, my ass is quite round, but isn’t it always, even if I do carry less weight with me? Am I not making it all difficult for myself again? Isn’t it better if I first try to get back to a happy place, and while I do, I should watch what I eat but not be too strict to myself and deny myself some ‘comfort food’?
I am not done thinking yet, but I have come to a point where I realized that I am chasing rainbows. I am might want things that I cannot have. Maybe, just maybe, if I let go of this idea that I want to be thin and sexy and that people will like me a lot more, I might feel more in touch with myself and actually be happier with myself? Maybe I should first get fully in touch with myself again and stop trying to be what I think other people want me to be. Or not want me to be, but want me to look like? This is all about acceptance of self, of knowing myself. Like I said in the beginning, Tabitha has managed to make me get in touch with myself in a way I have not expected when I started with this challenge.
I look forward to the remaining time of this challenge. My thoughts are still going all places. I am thinking of ways in which I can heal, in which I can come to a place where I feel at peace with the world around me, but most of all, with myself.
I will keep you posted.
© Rebel’s Notes
The A to Z Blogging Challenge
The Letter O
In this fifth year of participating in the A to Z Blogging Challenge, I am taking words from my regular post starting with the letter of the day, and looking at the meaning of those words. Today is for words starting with ‘O’ and I have chosen to look at ‘okay’, ‘only’ & ‘orgasm’.
Alone,. Solely. No one or nothing more besides this. No longer ago than. The word ‘only’ can substitute all those words, but it can also mean ‘except that’ in the sentence: “She is a young woman, only she seems older when you see her face.”
This word expresses agreement or acceptance, but is also used when you want to describe that something is satisfactory, but not especially good.
Who doesn’t know that an orgasm is the climax of sexual excitement? An orgasm is something everyone enjoys, but sometimes the journey towards it is even better than the orgasm itself.
© Rebel’s Notes