Sexting… the moment I see this word and think about it, I shake my head.
I cannot do it. I just can’t.
Sometimes I wish I could, but there is just no way I can. I seem to have this block in me where the moment I see that the opposite party to a conversation starts saying sexy things, my brain seems to shut down and I can’t think of anything to say. Whatever I think of seems ridiculous or I read the words on my screen and wonder whether I have understood it correctly and what if I answer to it and my answer is stupid? I tend to overthink this and then, because I don’t know how to continue, I stop the conversation. It has been ages ago that I have even tried sexting,. Nowadays, when someone tries it, I just tell them that I don’t do it.
There’s one exception… Mister Silent.
But I will get to that later. I first want to take you back some years ago. Some? Who am I kidding. Let me take you back 18-20 years ago. Back then I was very active in online chatrooms and I was involved in sex chats, which I guess can almost be described as the forerunner for sexting. Back then I had NO problem at all doing so. Thinking back on it now, I wonder why I didn’t have a problem.
I think I know, and that will get me back to Mister Silent being the exception.
You see, back then I was in an unhappy marriage. He couldn’t care less about the things that interest me. In fact, he cared more about soccer and the daily news than keeping the marriage going in any way. I looked for fun elsewhere and discovered the online chat rooms – to be specific, a chatroom in South Africa. After being part of it for months and falling in love with a chatter who called himself ‘Candleman’, I took a trip to South Africa to visit my cousin, and hooked up with this man in a hotel for one night. Sexting came easy to me back then, and I think it was because of my unhappy marriage.
My marriage with Master T is incredibly happy and if a man starts talking sexy to me, I immediately think of Master T and think: I cannot do this. It’s not fair to Master T. However, if I would do the sexting and tell Master T I have done it, he would most probably approve. But, still, I cannot do it because I keep on having this feeling in me that it’s not fair to Master T, that I don’t have his approval.
And this is where the difference comes in with Mister Silent.
I have approval to chat with him in any way I want to. This doesn’t mean that all our chats (always in DM on Twitter) are filled with sex, but the occasional time that our horniness lines up, I don’t feel bad at all telling Mister Silent what I would like to do to him or for him to do to me. I think if he would have started on sex every time and not have been able to have conversations about everyday things, sexting with him would have quickly bored me. Also, the fact that I am very fond of Mister Silent makes it easier to sext with him. Back in the days when Master T and I still sexted and not so long ago when we tended to send each other one-liner emails, I had no difficulty at all talking sexy things.
I guess, after writing this, I now realize that the one thing that should be present when I sext with someone, is the real-life feelings, and Master T’s approval. Without that, there will be no sexting!
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© Rebel’s Notes
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