Life… grief, depression and disability


Everyone who has followed this blog or my Twitter in the last year knows that my heart is filled with sadness because of my mom’s passing. I have made no secret about the way losing my mom to cancer has influenced me. But, today’s post is not about the grief I feel, but a different kind of sadness.

Even before we learned that mom was ill, Master T started having problems with his stump. For those who don’t know: his leg has been amputated just before he turned 11 because of a birth defect. That means he has been an amputee for more then 40 years now and in the 16 years I know him, he has never had as many problems as he has now.

The problems with his leg started in September 2016. The prosthetic leg was not good anymore and he needed a new one, but it takes about two to three weeks from doing the cast to fitting the new leg. He got a new one in October 2017, but it wasn’t good. Neither was the stump. It had open wounds and seemed to be a bit infected. We only learned in March of 2017, after the ‘October-leg’ had been adjusted about 25 times, that the reason the leg was not good was because of edema in Master T’s knee and stump. By then he had been seeing a dermatologist for some months and with the treatment, the edema was gone and the ‘October-leg’ didn’t fit anymore. By then, ever since December 2016, Master T couldn’t drive anymore, which means he worked from home and still is. He had panic attacks that influenced him so much that he couldn’t leave the house without me at his side. I did all the driving for him and for my mom, which I did with all the love in my heart, but it wasn’t easy.

Early in 2017 our GP put Master T on anti-depressants, which totally killed his sex drive. He went back to the GP because he wanted to stop the medication, but the doctor only halved the dosage, because he wanted Master T to use it for at least a year. For about two weeks Master T seemed a bit more interested in sex and he fingered me once, but soon we were back to the same: no sex drive at all. Master T slipped into a depression, despite the medication. He was somber, almost sad and sometimes said things that made me wonder where the man I married was. Thankfully he too realized he needed to take action. By then he was seeing a psychologist for the panic attacks, and she noticed his depression too. He had 11 sessions with her and will now continue for another 11, this time for the depression.

It’s been 18 months now, of which almost a year was without sex and it still is. Does this make me sad? Not really. Yes, I miss it. A lot. But, I am a patient woman (I discovered) and I have the deep belief that Master T will heal, whatever that may mean.

You see, we don’t know IF he will heal fully. He’s a incredibly rational man… until it comes to his own disability. It took him about 3 months to use the walking stick I bought for him when he just started having problems with his leg. When we talked about coming to Eroticon I told him that I wouldn’t mind walking behind a wheelchair but he absolutely doesn’t want to sit in a wheelchair. He can get a pass for a parking spot for the disabled, but he is putting that off and might never get it. Why not? And why not sit in a wheelchair?

Because he’s afraid to get more and more disabled. To lose his independence. To lose his mobility. It’s a psychological process I can understand, but not feel. To me as a fully-abled person, I cannot feel what he feels. Sitting in a wheelchair will be no issue to me, but it is an issue to him. I am sad for him. Sad that he has to go through this. For once, my husband is not as rational as he always is. Oh yes, he can reason about this the same I can, that a wheelchair is only temporary and a pass for a parking spot can be quite handy, but the fear of being ‘more disabled’ is so intense that he literally panics about it.

That’s what I think has triggered the panic attacks he’s still having. The panic attacks might only stop once he has gone through the process of acceptance that some things might never be like it was 18 months ago.

My sadness doesn’t come only from mom’s passing. That’s a huge part, but Master T’s difficulties are a huge part of it too. And yes, there’s also a bit of sadness in me for myself. Life is not easy at the moment, but our love conquers all.

PS: I wrote this post on the Thursday night during our Eroticon weekend. I had so hoped being in a hotel would spark some of Master T’s sex drive but it didn’t. To my biggest surprise on Friday night, his interest was sparked indeed, and for the first time in maybe more than a year, he penetrated me. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but this light at the end of the tunnel is not that of the approaching train!

© Rebel’s Notes

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