Rebel’s Year in Review (Sep – Dec 2017)

#SoSS

Continued from… Rebel’s Year in Review (May – Aug 2017)

September

Favorite posts of fellow bloggers
  1. Growing Up With Hurricanes by Kayla Lords – In September 2017 the hurricane Irma caused lots of damage on Saint Martin and in Florida. I was fascinated to read these two posts by Kayla, about her history with hurricanes.
  2. Feelings about bisexuality by Sub-Bee Keeper – indeed, can’t people just be who they want to be without others thinking they have the right to express their opinion about it?
  3. Trust and Consent by Cammies on the floor – this is a post that really spoke to me, especially one paragraph as I pointed out in the comments. There are many thoughts here to ponder.
My own favorites
Achievements in this month
  • The image in my post ‘ZZZ‘ has been used for Week 160 of Masturbation Monday.
  • Interviewed by AdultSmart
Life’s curveballs

I went to mom’s grave several times (once a week), because I wanted to be near to her. I know it’s only her body that’s there, that her soul is somewhere else, but still it gives me strength to go there and talk to her. I was relieved in the beginning of September when finally, someone was buried on top of her. She’s in a general grave, which means that two people are buried into one. A week later a man was buried next to her and another week later, in the middle of the month, the grave next to her was filled too. That meant that we could order a gravestone for her grave.

Also during this month, we had to deal with the aftermath of the flood we had the day after mom’s funeral. On 21 September all furniture in our living room, except for the dining room table and 2 chairs (because Master T is working from home) were removed and taken away for storage. I hated, hated, hated our house during that week but tried to keep in mind that we will get a nice place back for it. Beautiful clean walls, new carpets (red!), clean furniture and of course a clean home since everything had been cleaned before the painting started. Our house was better by the end of the month and my tears were closer than ever. It had been challenging. Very challenging.

Another thing that happened this month is that I made a decision on my future. Years ago, I divided my time between painting and writing. I realized that I was good at both, but would never excel in either of them because I cannot give either 100% of my attention. I had to choose. I chose for writing and totally stopped painting. That was a good decision. This month I came to a crossroads again. I have one leg in the English writing community and one leg in the Dutch. I want to make a success of both, but after five years of doing both I had to make a decision – which one will have my undivided attention. In which one would I try to excel?
I chose for the English community and stopped with the Dutch writing group. Sad times, but a good decision for me.


October

Favorite posts of fellow bloggers
  1. Meet the real me by Pandora Blake – I have the privilege of having met Pandora/Blake and have spoken to them only briefly, and this post really touched me. I believe that we all should be able to be ourselves, and that others should respect it. I understand why they are nervous about sharing this post, but they shouldn’t be, as Pandora/Blake are who they are and others should respect and accept it that way.
  2. Out of Season by Happy Come Lucky – not only the image of Honey speaks of strength and power and love, but the words of her man are beautiful and strong and filled with love. This is especially striking, knowing their circumstances: “… and together we will open up a love matured and ripe, and take a bite of happiness.”
  3. He’s out of my league (and other lies I tell myself) by Fire & Honey – this post is so touching, so brave, so strong, so beautiful. So many of us (women and men) are this hard on themselves. It’s not always other people that hurt us, but mostly our own thoughts.
My own favorite posts
Achievements in this month
  • The image in my post ‘Stay Scary‘ has been used for Week 163 of Masturbation Monday.
  • Rebel’s Notes has been chosen as the number 1 blog on a Dutch list for the seventh consecutive time. The list is for Dutch blogs or blogs hosted by Dutch. Since the first edition of this list Rebel’s Notes has been at the top.
  • My post ‘His Car Keys‘ has been chosen by Lapsed Catholic Wife as one of her top 3 for week 281 of Wicked Wednesday.
  • My post ‘I’ll Be Back‘ is mentioned in Scandarella’s post Love Links #1
  • My post ‘Wall Hugger‘ is mentioned for #SoSS by May, in her post Motionless – Bound by Convention on Sinful Sunday
  • The Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2017 of Kinkly has been announced and I am very surprised to be on the list as I haven’t been on it last year. Rebel’s Notes is on number 62 in the Top 100 Sex Blogs List and on number 6 of the Top 10 Erotica Blogs of 2017
Life’s curveballs

October has been a month in which I still tried to get to a new kind of balance. I still go to mom’s grave once a month, as I still feel the urge to do so. I will do so until I get to the point where every other week and then every month feels good. For now, I still need to ‘talk’ to her every week. My uncle – her brother – is not well. He is 11 years older than she was and her death really touched him in a negative way. The doctors still don’t know what is wrong. I think it’s old age and also grief. My cousin tells me he sleeps a lot and he’s not entirely aware of his surroundings, or he just stares into space without really seeing anything. It reminds me so much of mom’s last weeks.

On 25 October I got a new piercing – in my ear. A so-called tragus piercing. I have always thought about having a piercing in my ear, but never did it because mom would have hated it. She never knew about all my other piercings, not even the one I had in my navel. The day I had my tragus piercing done I told the piercer why I never had it done before. She found it very special that I have waited, but I found it normal.

Also on 25 October we ordered a stone for mom’s grave. The inscription, except for her name, will be (freely translated from Dutch):

So much courage
So much power
So much love
So missed


November

Favorite posts of fellow bloggers
  1. Cherry by Mrs Fever – I really love how she allowed him to think, to explore, to wonder… until his desire grew to the point where he wants what she wants.
  2. Censorship by default – Share our shit Saturday by May – like May, I don’t like the new trend where governments and companies decide what we are allowed to say and what not, and like her, I will fight for your right to voice your opinion, even if I don’t agree with it.
  3. #SinfulSunday – over exposed by Eye – This is stunning. It’s vulnerable and strong. It’s how comfortable I want to be in my own body. I really admire Eye for being so comfortable I hers. Stunning post of a stunning woman!
My own favorites
Achievements in this month
Life’s curveballs

For most of this month we were on holiday – two and a half weeks of no working. Our holiday started on 8 November and ended on the 26th. We had nothing planned, other than to sleep and rest and do things we love to do. Actually, some weeks before the holiday we still talked about going to a hotel for a couple of days, but decided that it would be a waste as Master T still cannot walk far, which will have us ‘confined’ to a hotel room. Then we would much rather be home. On the evening of 7 November, Master T came down with a cold. On the evening of 9 November, I came down with one too. We were both under the weather for the bigger part of our holiday. Yes, we slept a lot, sat on the couch, went out for lunch and drinks and just generally relaxed. We enjoyed, but would have enjoyed a lot more if we didn’t have the colds. And, the closer the time came for us to go back to work, the more I dragged my feet.

Another curveball was that Master T’s prosthetic leg once again has to be replaced. We are back to where we were in March.
When will it stop? Sometimes I really despair.

This month also saw moments of intense sadness. One night I stood brushing my teeth and suddenly saw mom in my mind, the way she was on the day of she passed. I regretted not even trying to talk to her and as I thought about it, I asked myself why I didn’t talk to her and immediately the answer came too: I was afraid.
I cried bitterly. Yes, I was afraid, because I knew it was the end. I knew if I tried to wake her from the sleep-that-wasn’t-sleep I would have seen death in her eyes. I did later, when she tried to see me but couldn’t focus anymore. I couldn’t handle the fact that she was dying. Not at that moment, when I was alone with her. Later my kids were with me and then I had to be strong. For them. I pushed my own feelings to the background.

Another moment of sadness was when I saw a man dining with his mom and was told he did so every week. I thought of how much my mom loved to go out with us, but also how I went to her every Tuesday, and how much she enjoyed that. I hated, hated, hated that I cannot do it anymore. Or the morning we sat at the doctor for Master T to get a reference letter for a new prosthetic leg. The doctor asked me how I was doing, how I was dealing with mom’s death. I couldn’t answer him. Tears choked me. I admitted just wanting to stay home, to sleep. That I go to work but only do what I have to do, without real joy. He offered me help, said if during the winter months this doesn’t improve, I should come back to him and he will help me.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my mom. Not a week goes by without tears. It comes in waves, and sometimes I feel like I’m drowning.


December

Favorite posts of fellow bloggers
  1. Do Not Delete by Exposing40 (https://exposing40.wordpress.com/2017/12/03/do-not-delete/) – there is a lesson in this post for all of us. Do not delete any photos, even those you hate. There comes a day you will look at them with different eyes and be happy that you have kept them.
  2. Portrait of a Goddess (https://fireandhoney.wordpress.com/2017/12/08/portrait-of-a-goddess/) by Fire & Honey – it’s not only the image, but also the words that makes this a stunning post!
  3. He Fucked the Tension Right Out of Me by Kayla Lords (http://kaylalords.com/2017/12/fucked-tension/) – to be fucked like this that you don’t feel the tension in your body anymore, that you are totally relaxed is absolute bliss!
My own favorites
  • Favorite post: Hot Chocolate (https://rebelsnotes.com/2017/12/hot-chocolate/)
  • Favorite photo: Scissoring (https://rebelsnotes.com/2017/12/scissoring/)
  • Submitted to elust 101: Two’s Company, Three’s A Crowd (https://rebelsnotes.com/2017/11/geography/)
Achievements in this month
  • My blog was mentioned in the Top 100 Sex Blogs 2017 done by Molly and Michael. I dropped two places from last year, but this was expected as my blog does need some work. This is what Molly said about my blog:
    Rebel’s blog continues to be of a consistently high standard both in the content she produces and in the layout and design of her site. This year has been a tough year for her dealing with her Mother’s illness and passing but she is not one to shy away from writing about tricky difficult issues and the honesty she brings to her writing is something to be admired.
  • My photo, Exposure was mentioned by Tabitha Rayne in her post #SSoS or #SoSS or Who Cares, Let’s all do Shares!
  • My post, Going Dutch , was mentioned on The Smutlancer in the post Spreading Smutty Love for #SOSS Volume 3 and this is what Kayla said:
    Marie Rebelle, like Molly Moore, makes me look like I’m standing still sometimes. But she’s also an inspiration to me on a lot of levels. Over the past several years, she’s done her best to build a Dutch erotic writing community. And now, as she outlines in Going Dutch, it’s time for her to do something a little different.
    Let that be a life lesson to you as an online creator. Do what you love and believe in, but also be brave (and wise) enough to walk away when it no longer fits or fulfills you. Oh, and follow her so you can find out what new things she’s going to share from Dutch writers you’ve never heard of.
  • My blog was mentioned on The Zen Nudist’s Naughty List for 2017
  • My post, Just Red has been mentioned by May More in her post Shadow Banning Stinks, SoSS Smells Sweet
  • My post, Quick Release has been mentioned by Little Switch Bitch in her post #SOSS – Share Our Shit Saturday 5 and she said:
    This post is so relateable – I feel every word Marie has said. I think every partnership goes through phases like this. In a very open and honest post, Marie explains how she gets her quick release and it is something we both do.
  • My post, Bottoms and Selfies, #SoSS #6 has been mentioned by Scandarella in her post Love Links #7
  • Wicked Wednesday and my other memes were mentioned in the post of RisqueViews, My 1st ever Share our shit Saturday #SoSS
  • I was mentioned in Modesty Ablaze’s Wicked Wednesday post Neighbourly Love
  • My post, Scissoring, was chosen by May More as one of her top 5 for Sinful Sunday 348. This is what May said:
    Marie said enough about scissoring for me to look it up. No, I didn’t know what it meant before, and no I haven’t tried it either. This is a clever set up where the two images are seen one after the other, so her legs appear to be moving. I chose this entry for the first shot, where Marie’s ankles are crossed. It’s a stunning view we are given from the top of her head, over her breasts. and down to her fishnet toes.
  • My post, The Note was chosen by Kayla Lords as one of her choices for #SoSS in her post Sharing Good Kinky Fuckery Volume 4 #SOSS
  • My post Two’s Company, Three’s A Crowd has been chosen as one of the top 3 for elust #101
  • My post, Rebel’s Year in Review (Jan – Apr 2017) was mentioned in Indigo’s #SoSS post: Some Extra Love #SoSS
  • The Smut Marathon was mentioned and promoted by NBRplaza in the post The Smut Marathon – enter now for this erotica writing contest
  • My post, First Christmas Day, has been used as the Christmas prompt for week 173 of Masturbation Monday
  • The Smut Marathon was mentioned in Livvy Libertine’s post #SOSS on a Wednesday
  • I was mentioned in Brigit Delaney’s post as one of her top 3 blogging superheroes and this is what she said:
    Marie Rebel of Rebel’s Notes and the curator of Wicked Wednesday has been an inspiration to me for some time. She was one of the first sex bloggers I followed, when I started this gig in 2010, and her’s was one of the first memes I got involved with. As I have disappeared and reappeared again, she has always been there to welcome me back, encourage me (as a writer and as a person), and somehow finds the time to do so for so many other bloggers. She is a true icon of this writing community, and she amazes me. Through all of her own personal struggles and work and life, she has managed to keep up a blog, run a meme that is now on its 291st prompt, and revive the Smut Marathon. Holy hell! I can barely keep up with writing my own little blog on a semi-regular basis.
  • My blog was mentioned by Mrs Robinson in her post My Current Top 5 – Spreading some Christmas Love for Wicked Wednesday and I loved what she said. It made me smile:
    I enjoyed the Wicked Wednesday meme and Rebel’s participation in Masturbation Mondays, but it wasn’t until I decided to click over to her site, that I found myself both enthralled, and at the same time, a little uncomfortable, window shopping through her notes. I say uncomfortable because this woman literally puts it all out there for the world to see, should they choose, and I, being quite new to the world of sex-blogs, felt like an interloper or some sort of creepy peeping-tom.
    It took a little time, me, forcing myself to continue, reminding my puritanical brain that she had indeed meant for people to see those pictures, to read those words, that she had, in fact, invited me to that place, before I allowed myself to really explore what she was offering. I found out that this lady has so much to offer – not just as a woman who bares it all for us, but as an opinionated, encouraging member of the blogging community. I appreciate her open willingness to share her life with total strangers in a way that fosters conversation and provokes thought.
  • Wicked Wednesday and myself were mentioned in Julie’s post Review of 2017 and recommendations for 2018 (part 1):
    In May too though I had the opportunity to provide the roundup and judge Wicked Wednesday for the first time. This for me was something of a learning experience. Marie Rebelle from Rebel’s Notes has had a difficult year. Coping with the distressing loss of her mum as well as the trauma of a flood in her home. I wasn’t able to meet her at Eroticon as sadly she was unable to travel to London while her mum was unwell. I so admire the work she puts into all elements of her blog, including Wicked Wednesday. She has launched Smut Marathon, a writing competition, which starts in January. Taking on the round up of Wicked Wednesday gave me a tiny insight into the lives of bloggers such as Marie and others who give so much to this community. But also it makes me want to contribute too.
  • Rebel’s Notes was mentioned in Lascivious Lucy post 2017’s Final SOSS
  • Rebel’s Notes was mentioned in Sassycat’s post Supporting and Promoting, Blogger Love
  • I was mentioned in F Dot Leonora’s post Wicked Wednesday #291 – Promote A Blog
Life’s curveballs

This month was better. I seem to have found a new balance. I seem to be better in touch with my feelings, my grief. Most of my grief comes from mom’s passing. It’s been five months and I still go to her grave every week. I just cannot let go yet. Sometimes I just stand there, staring at the small sign with her name on it. Other times I talk to her, fighting the tears, telling her how much I miss her. But I also tell her that we will be okay, that we will carry on, because I know that is what she wanted. Just before Christmas I placed a lantern next to the sign – her tombstone will be placed soon – and I lighted a candle for her. I have candles in my car, so every time now I visit her, I light a candle. It feels good.

My grief is not only from mom’s passing. I am sad for my husband too, sad for all the pain and hardship he still has to endure. It’s been going on since September 2016 and the end is still not in sight. I don’t lie if I said we only had sex a handful of times this year. The last year he penetrated me was in the beginning of the year. The anti-depressants have stolen every bit of his libido. I understand, but sometimes it’s fucking hard. I want nothing more than for him to touch me, to fuck me hard or to make soft sweet love to me. But I know I have to be patient.

Still, even with this sadness still in me, the balance is returning. I can focus again. Yes, I do have my bad days, days on which my sadness seem to consume me, but I allow the tears, literally cry my eyes out and then I move on. Mostly the next day I can focus again.

A good thing that happened this month is that I now have my own office. We do have a room in the house where I could have put a desk to work, but I didn’t want that, as I prefer to be physically close to Master T in the evenings. We watch series on Netflix together despite me being busy on the computer and for me to go upstairs and sit there all evening would have put far too much distance between the two of us. Thanks to a tweet of Kayla Lords I had a talk with Master T and he suggested I put a desk in the middle of our living room, just behind one of the couches. Enthusiasm instantly gripped me, making me browse the Ikea website and I found a desk that was not too deep, but deep enough to put my laptop on and have some support for my arms while typing. I bought the desk the one day, and went back for a proper desk chair the next and now… I have an office. Like Kayla, I too had an early Christmas!
Fun fact: when I went back to search for the tweet of Kayla’s desk, I realized we have both bought the same Micke desks, but with different lengths. And, when I looked at her image again, I realized we might even have the same mouse too!

That’s it, my last roundup post for this year and I have already created a file for next years, as I keep track of posts all through the year. Thank you all for taking the time to read these posts; All that remains to be said is:

Happy 2018 to all of you!

© Rebel’s Notes

#SoSS

3 thoughts on “Rebel’s Year in Review (Sep – Dec 2017)

  1. I felt for you when you discussed not talking to your mum. I was the same and have since chastised myself for not doing it. I was exhausted (I slept on edge of her bed for 4 hours the previous night). I hate to say it but I also just wanted it to end – I knew she wouldn’t come out of the coma but she just kept on breathing. Eventually I went out of the room for a break to eat and watch some mindless tv. I was gone for about 20 mins and when I returned she had gone. Nurses said it happens all the time.
    You’ve had such a shitty year on the personal front, though clearly doing well with your work. I do hope 2018 is better. (I’ve got a feeling I’ve said this somewhere else – sorry.
    Indie

  2. Thank you for your kind words Marie. You are a generous and eloquent commenter on my blog posts and I am so grateful and appreciative of that. Looking forward to seeing you at Eroticon this year x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.