Rebel’s Year in Review (May – Aug 2017)

Continued from… Rebel’s Year in Review (Jan – Apr 2017)


Favorite posts of fellow bloggers
  1. A blast from the Past by Scandarella – a damn hot story of sex between two males, with a little twist at the end.
  2. Spanking Miss S – exploring roles by Pain As Pleasure – reading about the interaction between this man and woman is touching and beautiful and special.
  3. Ex Machina by Wilhelmina – she gave him life… love always wins. This is a beautiful futuristic story with earth-bound sentiments.
My own favorites
Achievements in this month
Life’s curveballs

Just before the third chemo, mom had to go for a CT scan again to see what chemo had done to the tumor. In the right lung the tumor was 11% smaller, in the left long it was 15% bigger. Fuckit! Mom went for the third chemo but, this time, things were bad. She was sick all the time, barely getting stronger to go for physiotherapy. On the twenty second of this month I brought her to the hospital for, what we thought, would only be a blood transfusion. The umpteenth one. However, it turned out to be two transfusions of red cells and another transfusion of platelets, as well as being treated for a mild pneumonia. She was in hospital for a week and a half before she was discharged on the first day of the new month.


Favorite posts of fellow bloggers
  1. #SinfulSunday – brave by Eye – this is brilliant and strong and powerful and… I ran out of superlatives but damn, this is such a good post!
  2. Feet of Clay by Michael Knight, because yes, it is true, we all have feet of clay. Great post on how we view ourselves.
  3. Inexhaustible Smorgasbord by LS – I am quickly becoming a huge fan of LS’s writing and this story is no different. It’s beautifully written and makes me want to read on, to know more about the characters and the plot.
My own favorites
Achievements in this month
Life’s curveballs

On the first of the month, mom was discharged from hospital. The fourth chemo was scheduled for the day after her discharge, but the oncologist had decided to postpone it for one week. Mom was only back in her room at the care hotel for several hours before she started running a fever. The next day she was re-admitted to hospital with pneumonia. Two days later was her birthday and she was SO ill. We had the idea that she was getting better, because she was eating again, feeling good, but the bleeding in her lungs would not stop. The oncologist decided that she had to have a treatment to stop the bleeding, but before they could, mom’s body went into shock. From there on it went downhill. Mom was going to get radio therapy to help stop the bleeding and antibiotics for infections, but the chemo and all other cancer treatment were stopped. They moved mom to a single room with a bed for me where I could stay the night if I wanted. Early in this month, in fact on the day after her seventieth birthday on the fourth, she and I discussed her funeral. It’s so damn sad to have to do this, but also special to be able to do this and make sure her wishes will be honored. She cried that day, because she said, “I am abandoning you.”
She didn’t abandon us, I said, it’s just the illness that is so much bigger than her.

On 29 June mom said “It’s enough, I’m done, I’m tired, I want rest”. The hospital will make sure she is comfortable and without pain, and will try to find her a place in the hospice of her choice. If not, they will make her last days/weeks as comfortable as possible.


Favorite posts of fellow bloggers
  1. Smutathon: Bubblegum by The Other Livvy – this is one damn good piece of writing and sexy as hell!
  2. Writing About Sex…and Getting Paid by Kayla Lords – Kayla knows how to get people interested and I am surely looking forward to this new website!
  3. A Mistress Unseen – and unknown by Bibulous One – this is a beautiful piece of writing and there’s one paragraph in here that is incredibly beautiful.
My own favorites
Achievements in this month
Life’s curveballs

Mom was transferred to a hospice on 4 July. Saying goodbye to the nurses at the hospital was emotional and following the ambulance to the last place where people will take care of mom until the end, even more so. For quite some time I had 8 July in my head… but it passed without anything happening. On 10 July the daycare nurse spoke to mom about a morphine pump to replace the morphine plaster and nasal spray morphine. Mom said she had to think about it. On 11 July, the daycare nurse came again. Mom specifically asked whether the morphine is a kind of euthanasia and the nurse assured her it was not. “It feels like the beginning of the end,” mom said. She agreed to the pump and said that once she got worse, she didn’t want to be conscious. She wanted to sleep. The doctor agreed to that. That day, mom was more talkative than the days before. She told me that she had a message for my brother, but she didn’t want to deliver it and maybe it would become clear during her funeral. She wanted to know how the early-born babies of our hairdresser were doing. That evening at 7pm the morphine pump was started, giving the same dose of morphine that mom got from the plaster and the nasal spray. That night, when she drank some bouillon, mom asked me to stand with her. She never did that before. That was about 10.30pm. After the bouillon, she drank half a cup of water and then went to sleep again. It was maybe an hour later that I thought I noticed her breathing stopping for some split seconds and then it started again. The nurse checked it with me and she said it was still okay. That night, I woke a couple of times because mom coughed, but not once did she cough up blood. When I woke up at 7.30am on 12 July, I immediately noticed that she had deteriorated a lot during the night. The doctor came and said they were going to give her a low dosage the sleep meds, but seeing her condition, she might not wake up again. Everyone came to say their goodbyes. Her situation deteriorated at an immense speed from then. She died at 3.20pm on 12 July and on 19 July, at almost the same time, we buried her. In my speech during her funeral service, I included my mom’s message to my brother: faith goes with love and affection, faith doesn’t go with anger and revenge. I don’t think he picked it up, and I don’t think I will ever hear from him again.

And just to make this month even worse… on the morning after the funeral, we had a flood in the house. There was a cloudburst outside and the drains couldn’t handle the water. We are the first in the row and all the rain water washed up through the downstairs toilet and flooded into the sitting room, the hallway and the kitchen. Huge drying machines were blowing here for 24 hours to dry the floors and the lower parts of the walls, where dampness crept up to about 20-30 centimeters. This was not what we needed after the months we had gone through…


Favorite posts of fellow bloggers
  1. The Storyteller’s Conundrum by Rabbit in Chains – a brilliant piece on why she writes and how important it is to her to be read.
  2. Sinful Sunday (Anonymous): Steps by Exhibit A – a beautiful, moving and brave post, that really moved me.
  3. Incongruous by Alethea Hunt – this is a brilliant piece of writing for the Wicked Wednesday prompt #271. You just have to read it!
My own favorites
Achievements in this month
  • Rebel’s Notes is the number 1 sex blog on a Dutch Sex Bloggers Index, where they list Dutch sex blogs but also sex blogs written by Dutch people. This is the six consecutive time my blog was on number 1.
Life’s curveballs

This month has been about finding a new balance after mom’s passing, but due to the flood we had, it was difficult. I returned to work, but every evening we escaped the house for some quiet. It was only in the last week of the month that we had some quiet nights again, after the drying machines had been removed. I’ve cried a lot this month. I really miss my mom. I find myself wanting to send her a message to tell her about something that happened, only to realize I can’t. several times I have visited her grave and just stood there, looking at it and talking to her in my mind, telling her how much I miss her. And crying.

Now that the floors are dry, we are ready to have the walls painted and get new carpets in, but unfortunately we will have to wait until the end of September for it all to happen. Another month in a house with concrete floors and stains on the walls. At least, when October comes, everything will be back to ‘normal’ again. Whatever that is supposed to mean…

To be continued… Rebel’s Year in Review (Sep – Dec 2017)

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3 thoughts on “Rebel’s Year in Review (May – Aug 2017)

  1. Just had a little cry for all of us who lost our mums this year. Thanks for sharing – its hard to read but so many of us have lost our dear ones. I wrote about aspects of mums passing earlier this year too as you know. At least I didn’t have a flood to contend with as well.
    I hope 2018 is better for us all. xx

  2. This is such an amazing idea. Obviously, you lived it, but having a year in review just to glance back at can be a useful thing. Plus…i just love learning about the lives of others. Putting this in combination with all your favorite reads is also cool…something nice to look back on and review. Gives me a lot to read, as well. I’m so sorry you had to go through this he’ll. And then to have the flood seems like overkill in the RTF department. I’m hoping things got better?

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