Our sex life is on an all time low due to everything that happened and everything that is still ongoing in our lives. I have enough fingers on my two hands to count the times Master T has brought me to orgasm this year. I even have enough fingers on one hand to count the number of times we had PIV sex.
I am not complaining.
Just stating facts.
I know he is not well. He is on a mental low and has been for almost all of this year. He also uses anti-depressants and that has killed his sex drive. Combine the mental low and the medication with being in pain almost 24/7 and you have a ‘recipe’ for not being in the mood for anything sexual. I get this. This is not a permanent situation, it will pass.
(There always is a but, right?)
My sex drive is slowly returning. It’s definitely not yet what it has been before, but it’s there. Sort of. I want to have orgasms again and thankfully I have permission for it, sort of…
However, with Master T not ‘in the game’, my orgasms have become very functional. They are to satisfy a need, to calm me down because once I feel that tingle between my legs, all I can think of is that I need to climax. I have somehow fallen into a ‘routine’ to get to a climax and somehow I think I should get more variety in it, but for now I don’t have the energy to be creative and what I do works.
It mostly happens just before we go to sleep, in bed. Somehow, I never masturbate when Master T is in the room. There is an added excitement to climax before he is in the room, to not be ‘caught’, even though he knows I have my ‘moments’. While I wait for him to join me in the bedroom – this gives me a window of approximately ten minutes – I pull down my pajama bottoms (yes, I sleep with a pajama now as I seem to always be cold), spread my legs and cover my clitoris with the mouth of my Womanizer. Then I reach for my phone and I always enter the same search: anal sex videos.
I click on whatever looks interesting for that moment and if it doesn’t excite me within seconds, I move on to the next clip. While searching for a clip that catches my fancy, the Womanizer buzzes away between my legs, on the lowest setting.
Then, once I have found the clip that keeps my attention, I turn up the vibrations, watch the images on the screen and imagine what it feels like to be fucked the way the woman on the screen is fucked. With the Womanizer trapped between my legs I move my hips to change the sensations of the sucking ‘mouth’ and the constant vibration.
It never fails.
Within minutes my orgasm wash through my body.
I never finish watching the clip. The moment I had my orgasm, I am done with the images on my screen. I love watching clips of anal sex and massages turning into sex and fake taxi rides or fake examinations in the hospital (and some others) but nowadays I only watch porn clips to facilitate my orgasm. The clips are functional. They are there to help me with the images in my head, to keep me focused.
Does that even make sense?
I mean, when I feel the need to climax, I am already focused, right. On the other hand, I know if I just lie down and ignore the need, I will fall asleep without any effort. The need to climax is never stronger than my need to sleep. Still, I like to act on it sometimes.
The time will come that I will do it differently, that we will do it differently. Sometimes Master T says ‘I know you need more attention’ but I always assure him that I know it will be better one day. I can wait. As long as he kisses me long and tenderly sometimes, hugs me, playfully pinches my nipples or tells me how much he loves me, I can wait. He needs to heal. He will heal. And so will I.
And while we do, I will enjoy my Womanizer and porn clips if the need is there… or just go to sleep.
© Rebel’s Notes
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