Allow me to talk about aspects of our relationship, the fascination I have for Histoire d’O and the similarities between the two. I frequently call the movie my ‘training video’. Each time I see it, I discover more aspects of my submissive self.
Continued from… The Story of O (10) – Eyes
The chains and the silence which ought to have sealed her isolated self within twenty impenetrable walls, to have asphyxiated her, strangled her, hadn’t; to the contrary, they’d been her deliverance, liberating her from herself.
When I read these words I nodded. Yes, there is freedom in being restricted.
There is liberation in living according to rules.
I can breath because I am confined.
There are people who cannot understand this. I remember having a conversation at my work, shortly after colleagues understood that my relationship with my husband is not equal in every way, and more so, that I have chosen to submit to him. They thought (and maybe still do) that I am crazy to follow his rules, crazy because I want him to tell me what to do, to determine when I have to do it and to expect me to kneel in front of him.
They didn’t understand that the very act of doing that sets me free.
To me there is freedom in submission. It makes me feel secure. I cannot live without knowing my boundaries, knowing what is expected of me. It makes me think that I always say that children needs rules to live by, as that makes them feel secure. And no, I don’t see myself as a child here. I am not a little or a babygirl or a pet. I am a submissive woman, a woman who has chose to live by the rules her husband has set for her. It doesn’t restrict me, doesn’t make me feel claustrophobic or asphyxiated. It lifts me up, makes me feel alive, allows me to take on the world, even on my bad days.
I don’t think I will ever be able to make my colleagues understand just how important an ‘unequal’ relationship is to me. Master T and I are each other’s equals on so many levels, but there are levels where I don’t want to be his equal at all. Because there is equality as well as a chosen inequality, my life is in balance.
The chains have liberated me.
The walls around me have set me free.
His rules bring me security.
My submission is part of my core, something I can’t and don’t want to be without.
To be continued… The Story of O (12) – Belonging
© Rebel’s Notes
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