Written on 17.06.2017
The last months have not been easy. This might be an understatement.
It started out in September 2016 when Master T started having problems with his prosthetic leg. Somewhere between then and halfway through December he also started having panic attacks and hyperventilated. He could not drive anymore, as the information from what he saw was not processed quickly enough for him to act on it, making him a danger on the road. From that moment on, Master T worked from home and wherever he had to go, I drove him.
I had and still have no problem with this. Neither did I have a problem with the fact that most of the homework came down on me, as we tried to get Master T’s leg to heal. He got a new prosthetic leg at the end of October 2016 and had to get a new one again in February/March this year, because the one from 2016 was just not right. Master T’s stump looked terrible. The tip of it was one big crust. It hurt. Master T was and still is in constant pain.
At the end of January my mom was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer. A series of appointments started – the oncologist, CT-scans, a PET scan, blood tests, lung tests, biopsies. For two weeks I drove her to the hospital, almost every day. Then she had a lung biopsy and ended up in ICU. She was in hospital for a month and then ended up in a care hotel. She had three chemo treatments, numerous blood transfusions and had more days feeling sick than feeling okay. At some stage I started alternating with my oldest daughter to see mom every other day. Four times a week I go there, three times a week she did. The sicker mom got, the more we went there, the more we wanted to see her. The last week I saw her every day, after she had a major incident which could have left her dead.
Through all of this – caring for mom and caring for Master T – I had been working four full days a week, sometimes five. And I kept the laundry and chores at home going. And supported my kids when they needed me.
Up to about a month ago I still was in the mood for sex. Master T wasn’t and I am sad to say that I had sometimes masturbated and climaxed without telling him. He is in so much pain that sex is definitely the last thing he thinks about.
The last few weeks, having sex is not something I am in the mood for. My mood is dark. I have called in sick to work on 9 June. The day after Mister Silent paid us a surprise visit. I loved that he did, but I didn’t want anything sexy to happen. I cried when it almost did, when I denied him. I hated myself for it. There is just no room for sex in my head. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take before I crave an orgasm, but the thought disappears quickly.
I am worried.
Worried about mom. How long does she have to suffer?
Worried about Master T. Will he ever heal properly from this?
Worried about myself…
I think mom’s days are short. She won’t be with us for long and because of that, I want to be with her as much as possible. Only when I am with her I feel a bit relaxed. When we go to our regular hangout – I leave Master T there while I do some shopping – and I have to listen to all the senseless things people say, I feel unhappy. I cannot laugh about them anymore. I try to, but I don’t feel it. At home, I need to do some chores, but I can’t. I do the laundry because mom’s pajamas have to be washed. I do the dishes when the kids once again seem not to notice it. Other than that, the house and garden are in shambles, looking like we live in a slum. I have tried to make it clear to the kids that I have no energy to ask anything and sometimes they help, but mostly they don’t. I just don’t have the energy to ask them to help, like I don’t have the energy for anything sexy. I sometimes don’t even have the energy to smile.
No smiles. No sex. No writing.
Thank god I worked ahead with my blog a couple of weeks ago, anticipating that a time will come that I cannot write. Yes, I am writing now, but this is not sexy. This is moaning. This is trying to order my thoughts in some or other way. I understand. It has all been too much in the past months. I need to take some rest, to sleep for days on end, but I can’t. I need to make an arrangement with my work to work a couple of hours a day and be off for the rest of the day to see mom. But can I? Can I make an arrangement with them? Can I even handle work at this moment? Work is not more important than mom. It’s not more important than my health, than me feeling like I can handle things again.
And as it is now, I can’t.
My mind is occupied by worries and grief. There’s no room for sex and smiles.
I know there will be again, some time in future.
But not now.
I am worried.
I am down.
I am not sexy at all.
© Rebel’s Notes
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This post has been chosen by Honey as one of her top 3 posts for week 266 of Wicked Wednesday. This is what she said:
First is the amazing Marie. Her post is so honest and took me right back to when my dad was dying of cancer and the impact it had on me. It’s not sexy but it is, unfortunately a part of so many of our lives. The way it changes how we feel is devastating. This is such an important post and I wish I could protect Marie from what she is going through – it is part of living and definitely part of loving someone passionately.