This: “Those that know me call me a masochist but I’m not sure… I like the endorphin rush and being able to take what’s given but I’m scared of the pain. Scared that it will hurt in a way that I can’t take.”
This echoes exactly what I feel about pain, how I experience it every time! Still, in times when I am in emotional turmoil, I need the pain to ground me, to get back to myself, to basics. I need it, yet I still have difficulty to get to the point to feed my need, if that makes sense?
The above was my comment on a post of Wriggly Kitty.
Written on: 14.05.2017
The last months have not been easy. It has been an emotional roller coaster, not only with my mom being sick, but also with Master T being unwell and frequently in pain. I have been dividing my time between visiting mom and taking her to appointments with the oncologist or for chemo, taking Master T to appointments now he cannot drive, doing the grocery shopping and work. Oh, and of course, trying to keep up with housework too.
To say that I am tired will be an understatement. I’m not only physically tired, but mentally too. But I don’t want to be. I want to be superwoman, to handle all I am handling and still have energy for lots of other things. But – and I never thought I would say this – I have noticed that my sex drive is much less than it has been. This is not a problem, as with all the pain he is in, Master T’s sex drive is all but gone too. About once in the two weeks he will bring me to orgasm, but he has no desire himself to climax.
This I can live with, under the current circumstances.
What I find more difficult is the need I feel to be grounded. Being worried – about my mom, about my husband, about myself – has me longing to be grounded. I want to be hurt. I want to feel pain. I want to be brought back to be one with myself. To be grounded. I need the pain to make me focus only on myself.
There is only one who can give me the pain and that is Master T. With him being unwell, that is just something he cannot give me at this moment. He admitted that he misses it as much as I do. He’s just unable to give it to me right now. He needs to be in the right frame of mind and to be that, he needs to heal first.
I want the pain… need the pain.
Master T can give me some pain, but not the intense pain I am craving. He can pinch my nipples or slap my bottom once or twice. That feeds a bit of my need, but only for some moments.
I. Need. Pain.
But then I don’t want it.
I have this need, but I seem to be incapable to get to the point where I can feed the need. This has little to do with Master T’s current situation, but everything to do with my emotional instability. I cover my nipples when Master T wants to pinch them, even when I know that the pinching will help a bit to start getting in touch with myself. I want to tell Master T that I need more pain, that I want a lot of pain but then I doubt myself. Will I even be able to handle it? If I feel the pain, won’t I start to hate it? Hate it more than I love it?
I long for a session where I am totally immobilized, where hands warm up my bottom by spanking it and where one implement after the other – flogger, paddle, whip – leave their marks on me. I want to feel my struggle, want to hear my screams, want to cry my tears and want to drift off into another world where I am one with myself…
I need this.
Need to be grounded.
An intense need.
I just don’t know how to feed this need. Don’t know how, don’t know when.
© Rebel’s Notes
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