Allow me to talk about aspects of our relationship, the fascination I have for Histoire d’O and the similarities between the two. I frequently call the movie my ‘training video’. Each time I see it, I discover more aspects of my submissive self.
Continued from… The Story of O (3) – Always There
After O has been taken to Roissy and she has been prepared by two women, she is taken to see the dominant men. Rene is there too, to watch, but other men touch and feel and pinch and whip and fuck O. One dominant says: “The point is to draw tears from her.”
This made me think of when we started out on our D/s journey. It took quite some time for me to not feel ashamed when my tears came. There were times when I did my best not to cry, because to me it was a sign of weakness; a sign that I cannot handle what Master T was dishing out. The first time Master T told me that he loves to see my tears, it made me cry even harder. I thought he had gone crazy. How could he like me showing a sign of weakness? It took me some time to understand that it wasn’t weak when I cried. How could it be weakness if it made me feel so much stronger afterwards? How could it be weakness if it felt like my soul had been washed clean after I had cried?
When I realized that my tears were not a sign of weakness, this didn’t mean that I cried every time we had a session. It just meant that I didn’t try to stop the tears anymore, that I allowed them to flow if they came. I learned to recognize the pride and approval in Master T’s voice when he caught a tear running down my cheek and said: “This is what I like to see – your tears.”
Watching Histoire d’O again and seeing the words “The point is to draw tears from her” immediately made me smile and took me back to several scenes I had with Master T, where I cried. Sometimes silent tears ran down my cheeks; other times I sobbed and kept on sobbing because I needed the intense release.
The last time I kept my tears hidden was when we had a playdate with The Talker, and I think I will do so again when we have playdates with others. This is not because I am ashamed of my tears, but because I have no idea how my tears will affect the other Dom. It has happened in the past that everything stopped when I started crying and that’s the last I want. If I want things to stop, I will use my safeword. I guess this means that when we meet someone new, my tears should be discussed too.
In the meantime, I know my tears are more than welcome to Master T. He knows my tears. He knows when he can continue and he knows when he has to stop. And even if he knows those tears are because I am nearing a point where I might use my safeword, he continues for just a bit more, pushing my boundaries and making me make him proud.
Yes, frequently his point is to draw tears from me.
To be continued… The Story of O (5) – To Be Used
© Rebel’s Notes