Dear Diary…

Dear diary...

 

I look back on my life of almost fifty years and try to remember the many times I have started a diary. Not once, not once have I managed to keep it up for more than two or three days. I just couldn’t think about anything to write, no matter how interesting my days was.

Back then I wrote quite a lot, but never about my life. I escaped in fantasy stories that I wrote for my essay assignments for school. Those were the stories I wanted to write and did. I didn’t want to tell a diary about getting up in the morning, getting dressed, going to school, watching a hot boy from a distance or coming home and doing my homework. Those were my teen years, until when I became a mom. Then I started a diary…

The diary I started was not for myself. From the moment I knew I was pregnant I wrote down everything – how I felt, what the doctor said, how big my tummy was. When my daughter was born, I wrote down things she did. Her first smile, first tooth, first word, first step. All the first and seconds and thirds were in a book. Three books actually, which became her property on her twenty-first birthday. I did the same for my son, but those books are still in my possession, for various reasons.

Back in 2012 when I had a burnout, I started seeing a psychologist. She told me to keep a diary of my feelings and my thoughts. I couldn’t. Even though I knew it would help me to heal, I just couldn’t. I sat staring at the page or wrote down one sentence: I have to keep a diary. I never got past that one sentence and eventually gave it up.

It was only when I started this blog six and a half years ago that I more or less started keeping a diary. Not a daily diary, but a diary of sorts. I came to learn that I cannot write about things that happened today. Somehow I first have to sort thoughts in my mind, distance myself from what has happened and only then can I put it in words. Sometimes it takes weeks for me to write about a playdate we had. I just need to process thoughts and feelings as I tend to experience everything quite intensely.

I wonder if there’s anyone else who recognizes this? Who has to process what happened before you can write about it?

Maybe this was the reason why all those years back I couldn’t write about what happened during my day. I always had the urge to write, but there’s definitely a difference between writing fact or fiction.

Dear Diary… those are words I will never write, but I will keep on writing about my experiences over here.

© Rebel’s Notes

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3 thoughts on “Dear Diary…

  1. I used to keep a diary when I was a teen. I liked the idea but I was rubbish at keeping them up. Like you my blog has become a kind of diary and yes I definitely have to process things before I can write them down

    Mollyxxx

  2. Lovely post Marie !!! . . . I loved hearing about the diaries you did for your children, really lovely! I wish I’d been that organised.
    I’m different, but similar, in lots of ways to what you say about writing your experiences down. I find it much easier to scribble things down whilst they are all still “fresh” in my mind. If I leave it too long, the moments, the passion and excitement about wanting to remember the experiences for what they were, is gone. So I have to furiously scribble . . . usually the next morning! LOL!!!
    And, I just can’t write stories (fictional) . . . I have been asked by several people to try, but nothing comes. Whereas if it’s remembering the previous nights fun, it just seems to flow!!!
    Xxx – K

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