Warning: Not a sexy post… at all!
A difficult post to write… and a very difficult post to share.
Post has been written on 24 June and notes have been added on 5 July.
In the first months of 2013 I was diagnosed with a fructose intolerance. This meant that I could hardly eat any fruit anymore, which was a real bummer as I love fruit. However, having to choose between eating fruit or having constant bloating, nausea or tummy aches, I quickly decided what I preferred. From then on it’s been a constant battle at to what I could and could not eat. Stopping eating fruit helped. My tummy was happy and so was I. But, only for a month or two. Gradually my discomfort was back.
I experimented with food and every time I thought I had found the solution, two or three months later the bloating and aching was back. And, I gradually gained weight. Not at an alarming pace, but I gained. It was in the beginning of 2015 that I learned about the low carb, high fat diet. The person who told me about it was a fanatic, having lost 50kg on the diet. I, however, was not looking at losing weight. I just wanted my tummy to stop aching and since he told me it helped for him too, I decided to try some elements of that. I changed my breakfast and my lunch, but my dinner stayed the same.
I gained more weight, still at a slow pace, but to a point where I weighed more than I ever did before. Eventually I went to a dietitian and learned that eating high fats combined with low carbs will definitely make you lose weight. However, I was still eating too much carbs and that was the reason why I still gained. I tried to follow her suggestions, but the second time I went to her I had gained more weight. Her reaction to that had me sobbing as soon as I arrived home. To say the least, her reaction was quite unprofessional.
It stuck in my mind.
My first reaction was to go right against everything she said. I didn’t worry about eating high fat and high carbs. I told myself that I was perfectly happy with my body, that I looked good, despite my size. This rebellious reaction lasted for less than a week, because my body reacted to the carbs. When one day my tummy cramped so much that it took my breath away for several minutes, I knew I had to do something. I started reading about a low carb diet; about the ratio of carbs, proteins and fat. I joined a Facebook group and read through the questions and answers. I followed links to sites of people who have written books about this. I was done with telling myself I want to do this only to make my tummy feel better. No, I was ready to do this to feel AND look better.
I want to lose weight.
I want to be healthy.
I want to feel sexy.
I don’t feel it
You see, mostly I don’t feel sexy at all. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I don’t like what I see. Oh, I get dressed in the morning and then I tell myself that I look good, because I wear cute dresses and heels and make-up and my hair is always nicely done. But then, later in the day, if I see my reflection, I hate it. My big, round ass. My round, blown-up belly. The clinging of the clothes. The only thing I really currently like about myself are my breasts, and I think that’s evident from my Instagram account (account has been deleted). Since I don’t feel sexy I am more or less hiding from Master T too. I will try to explain: our sex life is at a low and I think a lot of it has to do with my mindset. Since I don’t feel sexy, I prefer to hide under the covers. Since I don’t feel sexy, I am keeping a distance even when I lay with my head on his shoulder. Since I don’t feel sexy, when he uses the cane on me, all I can think about is that my bottom is too big. And surely, Master T isn’t blind, so he must see it too. I am not a jealous person at all, but sometimes my heart hurts when a sexy woman walks by and he looks approvingly. Those women always look a lot better than I feel about myself.
I cannot help to think that if I lose weight, I will feel sexier. I don’t know how to explain this: I am sexy, but I don’t feel sexy. I know I am sexy despite being overweight, but I just don’t feel it (anymore). My mind is telling me that even if I lose only 5kg, I will feel sexier. And it tells me the more I lose, the sexier I will feel. It also tells me that there’s less of me, Master T will want more of me. I know I am SO wrong about this, because I know he wants me (and others do too), and somewhere deep down I know I am keeping a distance without consciously doing so. Deep down I know Master T wants me no matter what, but still I want to lose weight to make him want me more, make him desire me, make him not want to keep his hands of me. Does that make sense?
Interlude (note added on 5 July):
This past weekend I weighed myself and took my measurements and was thrilled to see the good results after only two weeks on this diet. In my eyes my tummy already looks smaller, and I am feeling good following the diet. And, the dry spell in our sex life seems to be broken for now. I have no idea whether it’s my doing for being happy with my weight loss and therefore not keeping my distance, or whether it’s something else. It just happened, and when it did, afterwards I cried, I think because I was relieved.
I have noticed in the past how restless I get when I need Master T’s dominance, but now it seems a new dimension has been added. I don’t only get restless, but totally insecure when my mind tells me he doesn’t want me. Once again, I know I AM wrong about this, but fighting against negative thoughts is a hard thing to do!
But… (yes, there’s always a but…)
In the past I have been on a diet where I lost a lot of weight and I was almost underweight when I finally stop. I never want to look like that again. When I see photos from back then, I don’t like my face. Yes, I like my body, but not my face as I was too thin.
This weight loss journey I started on 20 June, will be different. I have a goal in mind, and that goal will still leave me overweight, but it will be a lot better than it is now. I am following a LCHF (Low Carbs High Fat) diet where only 10% of my daily intake is made up of carbs. I log my food every day to make sure I stay within limits. I have no idea where this journey will take me, but I hope it will help me lose some of the excess me. I don’t know if I will share more of this journey over here. I might and I might not. I need support in this and the first person who’s support I need, is Master T. I know he’s going to tell me that he doesn’t see the problem and that I should do what I think is necessary, but I really need his support. I need to feel that he backs me on this, that he understands that my thoughts are in turmoil and that I need to do this to settle the grey matter between my ears. If I don’t and if I keep on gaining weight, I am going to crawl back into the shell I had come out so many years ago, and that’s something I want to avoid. I don’t only want to be sexy, I want to feel it!
Sidenote (added on 5 July):
I have Master T’s support and approval. He didn’t tell me that he doesn’t see the problem but he did tell me that I am his ‘hot piece of ass’. Even so, he understood and understands how important this is to me, how much I want to lose weight. The only thing he asked was what my goal is, and when I told him, he was happy. He has been a huge support in the past two weeks, cooking different things for me and making sure I have enough to eat and drink despite counting my carbs. Deep down I knew he would support me as he always does, but my own mind drives me crazy and tells me horrible things. With him at my side and the support of my buddies on MyFitnessPal, I am sure this journey will be successful. Not easy, but I am determined to get what I want! Less of me!
© Rebel’s Notes