The prompt for this month’s Sinful Sunday is ‘change’:
What does the word “change” inspire in you? Change of heart, sea change, perhaps the change in your pocket? Does it inspire fear or excitement? Dread or anticipation? Show me what the word means to you in an image!
I believe the older we get, the more we get to know ourselves. In my professional life I have noticed that I have problems with change. If something changes, I need a couple of days to re-adjust, to get used to the idea and then, if I’m in on it, I will be your biggest promoter and supporter. At first, change makes me feel uncomfortable. I am a creature of habit.
In my professional and personal and family life I am who I am. I have never pretended to be anything or anyone else. What you see is what you get. I have always been like that and have never hidden my preferences in certain things, as or instance my sexuality or fascination with writing erotica. In the conservative country I grew up in, this was frequently frowned upon. It affected me and made me be careful who I trusted, but once I got to know people or felt there was common ground, I was less careful about what I told them. When I came to this country and the older I got, the more I was true to myself.
Up to recently I tried to keep my two worlds apart, but I have stopped doing that. I am one person and I am not hiding anymore. Neither will I change myself for anyone. Two days ago I learned that I am disgusting, that I ‘always had these strange sexual fantasies’ and have now ‘found a new way to out it’, which is ‘writing porn’ articles. These words come from people who know I write erotica, know I have a sex site, know I run a writing group for authors of erotica, but haven’t read one word of what I write. I disgust them. I ruined my children’s lives because of what I do, because of my dreams. I am essentially a bad person because I live my dreams, because I work hard to make them come true.
It’s human nature to want to defend yourself and I am no different. My children always were and always will be the most important in my life. I love them so much that there are no words to express that. For many years I have set my own dreams aside because my children needed 200% of my attention. I have never ever forced anyone to read my words or to show interest in what I do. These people who find me ‘disgusting and filthy’ have even asked me questions about my book, or about my writing group. I didn’t force them to show interest; I didn’t force them to ask those questions. When my oldest daughter said she had difficulty to know about my writing, I made sure not to say anything about it in front of her. In the meantime she has worked through that and understood that it’s my choice and that writing erotica doesn’t mean I love her less.
There is so much more I can say about this, but that’s for another post. This Sinful Sunday is about change, but I am going to twist the prompt around: I will not change who I am for anyone.
I respect other’s choices, even though it might not be my choice and I think they might be wrong. I respect that people live their lives like they want to and even though I might not agree, I will never describe them as disgusting. What I find utterly disgusting is judging others in the way I have been judged. If you don’t know all about me and all about my (difficult) life, don’t you dare to judge me. Don’t ever think you know all of me, because even though I’m a very open person, there are some things I don’t want to talk about as they are too far in my past or sometimes still too painful to talk about. If you don’t like what I do, turn around and leave my life, or if you want to stay in my life, accept that it’s my choice, but don’t ever judge me.
I am who I am.
That’s something I say frequently. I have a lot of compassion for people, a tremendous amount of love for my husband, my mom, my kids and my grandkids. Those are the people that belong to my inner circle and I will fight tooth and nails to protect them.
In all of this, I still am who I am. I am an eroticist. I have always been and I always will be. That’s part of what makes me tick, but there are many other facets to my personality. If you find it disgusting… well, as I said, turn around and leave.
I will not change for anyone!
© Rebel’s Notes