When I started this blog, I wanted to be anonymous; to hide my true identity from those in the sex blogging world, and to hide my ‘Rebel’ identity from everybody in my ‘real life’. In other words, I more or less lived two lives and the only ones who knew both identities were Master T and my best friend. At work or during family gatherings I didn’t speak about writing about sex and in the first two years of my blog no one in the ‘real world’ met me as Rebel.
Some things happened which made me cross those lines. The first was when we returned from a weekend of fun and at my work I couldn’t sit properly due to many spankings and whippings. A collague noticed this and made a remark. Not long after that, I started feeding my colleagues with titbits about my writing and realizing they were not shocked, I soon talked about it openly. But, I never mentioned the name of my blog or my writing name. I more or less maintained the ‘anonymity’. The second thing was when we returned from Eroticon 2013 in London and had the family here for a birthday visit. By then we had already told the two younger kids that I write about sex, but that specific day our oldest learned about it. She asked: “You mean you write something like Fifty Shades?” and my best friend replied: “Oh no, much better!” The last thing that happened is that I started a writing group, which I did as Marie Rebelle. However, two years into that I registered the group as a company and obviously did it under my real name. Some people who got to know me as Marie Rebelle now also learned my real name.
And you know what?
Nothing bad happened.
Still I kept the my ‘two lives’ apart. Whenever I talked about my sex writing with people in my ‘real life’ I was very careful not to mention the name of my blog or my writing name. I was less careful when I spoke to people in my ‘Rebel world’. If they learned my real name (only first name), I didn’t mind.
Then my book was published. I wanted to tell everyone about it, but I didn’t. No, that’s not true. I did, but no one in my ‘real world’ knew what my book was called, because… well, then they would know my pseudonym. When it became clear that my book would be published, Master T and I talked about closing this blog. Because… what if my book was successful and I got interviewed and people knew my real identity. Then they would also see my photos; will know I write about sex; will know about my kinky side. Those were all things that we talked about. At first I agreed with Master T. More or less. But deep in my heart I knew I didn’t want to. I have worked too hard on this blog to just close it. I discussed it again and Master T agreed: the blog would stay up, but I would start a separate author blog.
I think it was a process we needed to go through. A process of adjusting, of weighing the pros and cons, of thinking what’s the worst that could happen… a long process. I am quite an open person and honestly, I prefer to play open cards, but I knew some people will frown on some things. I frowned on behalf of others, in other words, I thought I knew how they would react.
Somewhere during the thinking process, my thinking changed. So what if they know all about me? So what if they frown about what I do? I am who I am and IF people from my ‘real life’ happened to find my blog, it doesn’t change who I am. I’m still the same person. Discovering my blog means they discover another facet to what makes me who I am. And, I would never force any of them to read my blog or look at my images. If they read it, it will be a choice they make.
It was on our first day in Bristol at Eroticon 2016 that I told Master T that I am tired of hiding. I didn’t want to go around and tell everyone about my blog or tell them where to buy my book, but if they find out I would be perfectly okay about it. Actually, this meant that nothing would change in my doing, except that I wouldn’t constantly watch my mouth when I talk in a spastic manner about ‘the conference’ or ‘my writing group’ or ‘a blogger in England’, but I talk openly about ‘Eroticon’ or ‘EWA’ or ‘Molly’. I was tired of hiding. I am tired of hiding.
My ‘real life’ is me, all of me. It’s me with the name I was born with and it’s me with the name I have chosen. It’s me as mother, me as daughter, me as sister, me as grandmother, but also me as submissive, me as sex blogger and me as an author of erotic fiction. All of those make up who I am…
PS1: I sold three books in the past week – to colleagues!
PS2: All posts of my author blog will be moved to this blog, and the author blog will disappear, because like Molly and Michael said when they did a review of my site: this is my core identity and I should keep things in one place. That’s what I intend to do!
© Rebel’s Notes