When Is It Cheating?

The second question for the Food for Thought Friday meme is:

In a monogamous relationship what constitutes cheating?

Is sexting cheating? A stolen kiss at a party? What about enjoying sexual fantasies about a co-worker or your spouse’s friend?

Where is the line?


So many things came to mind when I saw this, that I didn’t know where to start. My mind is racing with thoughts, so please bear with me… or bare with me!

Some time ago I have written a post about the kind of ‘monogamy’ Master T and I have. We are faithful to each other, but we allow others in our relationship. Our one ground rule is that we are always together. I will never see another man without Master T being present too, whether it’s just for a cup of coffee or for sex. With women it’s a bit different. For the first meeting Master T is present, but if us ladies want to make a date to go shopping, he lets me go alone. However, I will not be allowed to have a sex date with another woman without Master T being in the same room too.

That stated, I can answer the first question: In a monogamous relationship what constitutes cheating?
If I would date a man (for coffee or sex) or a woman (for sex) without Master T present, that will constitute as cheating.

I never do sexting, but I do chat with men and women on Twitter, also in DM. However, then I still don’t like to send only sex messages to each other. In fact, I almost never send a sex message. I have done my fair share of cyber sex in the past and that is just a phase that I have totally outgrown. Sending and receiving messages with a sexual undertone is exciting, but it bores me very quickly as I prefer to have a proper conversation and not slip into an ‘I-want-you-I-want-you-too’ conversation. If I had engaged in sexting, in our case it would not be seen as cheating as I always tell Master T everything that happens in private messages, and he has access to all my accounts. And yes, I also tell him if I have fantasies about others.

There’s also another side to this.

We have met and still meet other people for potential playdates. In the past we played with a couple, but we also have playdates with men. Those men are married. Their wives don’t know about the fact that they have dates with us. Is that cheating? Yes, strictly taken, it is cheating. They don’t have the approval of their wives and if their wives found out, a divorce will probably follow.

Is it our place to judge them? No.

You see, I tend to talk to these men a lot and I can understand their situations. Each of them have their reasons why they are seeking for extra-marital fun and sex and yes, where it is cheating, I can sympathize with their reasons. Yes, they are cheating, but why point the finger only to the men who are cheating? Sometimes the women of these men definitely need a finger pointed to them too. I know it’s very easy for a man to say that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him and therefore he’s seeking for it outside of his marriage, but sometimes this really is the truth. Somehow I don’t find it difficult distinguishing between a man who uses it as an easy excuse and a man who really gets the minimum to nothing at home. We don’t feel that we should judge them for cheating, but in the end what they do, definitely is cheating on their wives.

Where is the line?


This is a very good question. Master T and I have very clear lines for our relationship and the way we live our life. Bottom line: we are always together. We date with more people, in other words we are not exclusive to only one couple or one man. No one at all is allowed to claim me. I am Master T’s property and when I have sex with another man or woman, it is because he allows it. If a man wants me angry and ending all contact with him, then he should claim me or not take Master T into account. I’m very sensitive to this. As for the married men we date with… they have to decide for themselves where the line is. I cannot do that for them, and would not want to do that, but I am always willing to listen and give advice if asked for.

Like I said in the beginning, I have so many thoughts about this and I hope some of it came across clearly… and otherwise? Well, then you will just have to bare with me… yes, get naked!

© Rebel’s Notes

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2 thoughts on “When Is It Cheating?

  1. Human relationships, by virtue of the “human” element are complicated. What’s right for one may be totally wrong for someone else.

    I think it is important, in the way that you and Master T have, that you have a framework within which you can express your sexual choices in an honest and open way.

    And yes, we should not judge. Perhaps we shouldn’t actually use the word “cheat”. As I said, it’s complex, it’s confusing and everyone has their reasons, motivations and justifications.

    Sex is primarily a physical pleasure, but it is bound up in our emotions which, while on one hand it enhances that pleasure taking it to another plane, on the other it makes a simple act very complicated.

    Sex is complicated, relationships are complicated, life is complicated because we humans are complicated.


  2. I also feel that it is not my place to tell others what they should do in their own relationship. My husband and I have very clear defined boundaries of what constitutes as cheating. I am honest and hide nothing, we also have access to each other’s things, but I know that I may engage with people who are not honest with their significant other – that is their decision to make, not mine.

    I’ve always loved your relationship with him, it seems so powerful and envy-worthy.

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