This week I didn’t just want to post images. I wanted to add some words to it. I needed to add some words to it.

When searching for an image to post for Sinful Sunday, my eye fell on this series, where I was once again wearing a lovely green thingy I bought at Victoria’s Secret on my one and only trip to New York, some years ago. I looked at myself in these images and ‘I look thoughtful’ is what came to mind.

(click images to enlarge & browse)

What was I thinking of when I sat there, when Master T took the photos?

I have no idea.

What might I have been thinking about?

Probably the same that I thought about when I looked at the images and decided to post them for Sinful Sunday…

In the last couple of years I have learned to accept myself the way I am. Master T has been a big help in this, but the sex-blogging community too. I generally have a positive image of myself, but recently I have been having more bad days, where I resent the way I look. No, resent is not the right word. I should say: ‘where I wish I looked a bit different’.

How do I want to look different?

I want to be at least 10 kilograms lighter than I am now. A year ago I was. Yes, I gained 10 kilograms in a year. Ten years ago I was overweight. Now even more so.

How did it happen?

Food. Of course.

See, I admit it. Food. But not food in the way you would think. It’s not that I eat too much or eat unhealthy. Yes, I occasionally indulge in chocolate or chips or cookies, but that really is not the rule of my life. I generally eat healthy – three times a day and almost no snacks in between. You would say that I would then have had to be able to at least maintain the weight I was a year ago.

Yes, I agree.

So why couldn’t I?

Because I couldn’t. It just happened to me. About three to four years ago I started having problems with my stomach. I thought. After some time I decided to go to the doctor and finally, after I had the one test after the other, the diagnosis was set: fructose intolerance. Fructose comes in fruit, but stopping eating fruit didn’t solve my stomach problems. I still suffered from nausea, stomach cramps, bloating and sometimes days in which I just felt… YUCK! Long story short: I started experimenting with food. Cut out this, eat that. Add that to the ‘diet’, remove that. About six months ago I discovered a high fat, low carbs diet. I changed my breakfast and lunch to this diet and what do you know, suddenly my problems were over. Done with. Yay! I was so happy. Finally I found the solution.

And then I noticed that I am steadily gaining weight. I probably had been ever since I started experimenting with food. It took me two months to decide I was going back to the dietitian. That was a week ago. I am now cutting out my carbs in the evenings too, which should be the solution. She explained about ketosis and some other things and everything made sense. Hopefully I will be able to stop the weight gain, still feel healthy and be able to cut out all the bad-thinking-days too!

That’s what this last photo symbolizes: I am who I am, whether there’s more of me or less. There’s some hard work ahead, but I can do it.

I will do it.

20151030 (35)wm green collar shoes
I’m still sexy, even though I don’t always feel it…
(click to enlarge)

© Rebel’s Notes

17 thoughts on “Thoughtful

  1. Marie, you are so lovely, inside and out. I love the photos and I love the journey you took us on with your words. I’m so happy that you’ve discovered the reason for your discomfort by finding the right foods for you and I hope you’ll continue on your journey and feel better in all ways. I totally understand not liking the shape of our bodies sometimes, but I love the way we can all encourage each other here.

  2. I’m sorry that you’ve been struggling with your body image and food, it sounds like a nightmare. But honestly, you are so beautiful and these photos are stunning! Thank you for sharing them. Xxx

  3. You always look gorgeous 🙂
    Having the support of someone special makes a huge difference and the support from this community is so helpful too.
    I’ve always thought of myself as too short, too fat -I’m not this, I’m not that, but I’m learning to accept that I’m just me and I am beautiful. We all are.

  4. You look gorgeous in your green thing. Im normally fairly positive about my body too but like all of us I have my wobbles, physical as well as mental ones!

  5. Ah the body image and self-doubt we all have them and it is so good that we have people around us who love us no matter what size we are and friends in this blogging community of ours that do the same (in many cases) from a great distance.

    Your “green thingy” is beautiful as are you Marie.

    Good luck with the dietician and finding what will work for you.

    Velvet x

  6. Yay for green thing and yay for finding solutions for food. Yay for admitting how you feel and it reminds me of a post a few months back about body positivity by Dissolute Life’s Hy I think. That body positivity isn’t about sugar coating our image of ourselves.

    So I confess. I am currently unhappy with how I look but like Molly I like my new fuller boobs. But I would sacrifice them to get my figure back. It’s effecting me in odd ways. Probably that I won’t get sexually involved with anyone other than Beastly for a bit – lacking confidence. Beastly however is awesome and encourages me to be more forgiving of my body but grrr it’s hard. Now those who have met me will say ‘don’t be silly’ you’re still little and so I am shamed to even admit these thoughts. So anyway your pics are gorgeous and so are you but I get the complex feelings you have about your body. Humbly twigs.

  7. Utterly beautiful, stunning, sexy, sassy and gorgeous. Weight won’t ever change that but I know it can change how you feel. I hope you start to feel more in control again. You know that I am no slim creature, so I know some of the thoughts that will have been going through your head. Xxx

  8. these photographs are lovely, and you need to come to new york again…honestly i have never seen you look anything other than lovely…ever…xxx

  9. I really like that last shot.

    I got to a number I didn’t like, so I started doing calorie control and recently I’ve gone more organic to see how that helps. I haven’t really weighed myself in the last month due to all the stress from family issues. I also don’t have a scale at my new house. XD

  10. First off beautiful pictures. Secondly this post right here is the very thing that makes me love this community so much and that is the openness and the honesty. That said beauty is who you are, how you feel, what you are. It is not a number, or a size or anything of the sort.

    Hope you start to feel positively and healthy again soon!

  11. I am reminded of Bernini’s The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa when I look at this. I am reminded of this because you look rapturous and there is yellow line with a sharp point running through you.

  12. I totally agree with SassyCat; you absolutely look beautiful in your “green thingy”. And sexy to boot.

    Our bodies give us some difficult challenges to overcome at times (as you know, I’ve had my fair share in the past year or two thanks to my misbehaving pelvis) but I know that with your amazing attitude and natural ‘zing’ are going to stand you in great stead. Thinking of you and sending you loads of love and hugs. Jane xxx

  13. You look beautiful in your “green thingy.” All your photos are beautiful. And I can totally relate to your gain weight, not always feeling sexy and issues with food. The older I get the worse it seems to get at times. I think we all go through these phrases both with image and food. It never ends, but its securing to know that we have friends and loved ones that are there in those that are our low moments. Glad to hear you are working with the dietitian, sometimes we just need that refocus and outside support. I’m sure you’ll be back to where you want to be soon enough. lots of love and happy thoughts for you.

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