I Did It My Way

“Do you know how many women have done what you’ve done?,” she said. “Gotten out of an unhappy marriage and went a little wild because they were stifled for so long? Millions. You have nothing to be ashamed about.”
Quoted from ‘Can a Woman Be A Good Mother And Write A Sex Blog’ by Erica Jagger

The quote and the post above is not about divorce, but the quote instantly transferred my thoughts to my own situation. I’ve been divorced. Twice. Yep, you’ve read that right. Okay, you might have read that piece of information in some earlier posts, but I don’t think I have elaborate about any of the reasons why I got divorced. Or the reactions I got to it.

I married for the first time when I was 20. I already had a child and of course I was very happy to have found a man who loved not only me, but also my daughter. We had a child together – a son – and when he was 7 months old, I left my first husband. We didn’t have significant problems between the two of us, but when he violently abused my daughter (not sexually), it was over. Don’t touch my kids! Between him and me things were okay (before the divorce). I knew he liked looking at other (younger) women, but it didn’t bother me enough to make an issue of it. Our sex life was okay, but looking back on it now I know that in the two years that we were married, we weren’t as adventurous as I believed back then. Another thing I also realized is that, even though I married for love, there was a bit of abuse with it too. Mental abuse. He made me believe – and yes, in my naivety I believed this – that I had to be grateful for him marrying me, because no one else would want me since I already had a child and I wasn’t beautiful at all.

Of course there were some good things too, as there is with any situation. I experienced squirting with him for the first time and even though I felt a bit uncomfortable about it, he didn’t freak out, which made it okay for me. He disappeared out of my life for some years, only to reappear just before he got married. We even tried having sex again (at the time I didn’t know he was about to get married) and that was the moment when I knew our sex wasn’t exciting at all. I don’t have direct contact with him anymore, but I know about his life, his other children (my son’s half-siblings). I was married to him for exactly 25 months.

When I divorced him, everyone understood, but years later a close family member said something that made me realize that they look down on me because I was divorced. It really hurt me, as I thought they understood.

My second marriage lasted almost double as long as my first. I met him when I had a temporary job. We had a relationship for just more than a year when he asked me to marry him. That was quite early in the year, and we set the wedding date for December of the same year, which would give us enough time to get everything organized for the big day. He was 12 years older than me, a very kind man and very kind to my kids too. Then something happened which totally upset my life. I don’t want to go into the specifics over here, but the panic that filled my life forced us to advance the wedding with four months. We were about 6 months into the marriage when I realized that I should never have gotten married to him. The age difference was just too much. My libido was much bigger than his. He preferred sleep to sex. He acted like an old man. He was not good in sharing. Even though we were married in community of property, he didn’t want us to combine our finances.

The further we advanced in our marriage, the less he engaged with my kids, up to the point where he literally ignored them. The kind man he was, was gone. He was kind to me, was kind to his daughter when she stayed with us, but he ignored my kids. We had SO many fights about it. Over and over again we discussed it. Over and over again he promised to improve. He never did. I didn’t want to get divorced again. I pretended that we were happy. I fooled everyone for about two years, until my mom saw something and she confronted me with it. Only then did I admit how unhappy I was, how bad things were behind the happy facade I put up. We had one final fight, in which he said that he would go to a solicitor to ask how much he had to pay me. It took me two days (!!!) to realize he was talking about divorce. Suddenly I was done. It was over. Here I was, fighting to stay in a marriage with a man who ignores my kids, a man whom I didn’t love anymore and he just wanted to give up. We were divorced after a marriage that lasted just shy of 4 years.

This time the family had a lot to say about the divorce. It was one of my ‘whims’ and how could I leave such a ‘kind and loving’ man. I was busy with one of my ‘schemes’, and more of these kind of comments. Not all of these comments were made to my face. Some reach me through others. I was too busy to care about them and too busy with Master T, because by the time the court made my divorce final with husband no.2 I was already madly in love with Master T. I wasn’t planning to ever marry again, but when Master T asked me, I said yes.

Eleven days from today, on 1 November, we celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary and we are still as much in love now as we were thirteen years ago.

© Rebel’s Notes

Wicked Wednesday

10 thoughts on “I Did It My Way

  1. I’m glad that you found someone to love you just as you are. No one should have to try and change how they are to please someone. It just brings on resentment of that person.

    Third times a charm! I was married three times, almost four, and people eyeball you when you tell them that. I always got bored when I was with a guy after while, even though I was married to my first husband for fifteen years when we divorced. He left me for a younger woman that was more exotic, and they were married nine years and then got divorced. The next marriage, the guy was just a cheater and we were apart more than we were together. In my head, I’m thinking, “Next!”

  2. Marriage is something that has never happened to me, no one has ever asked me but I’ve never really been in a proper relationship with anyone either. Until fairly recently I’ve always just thought I’ve never been good enough for anyone so assumed I’d just end up alone. There are special people out there it just isn’t easy for those people to find each other.

    Congratulations on your 10th anniversary, I’m so happy for you both xx

  3. Really wonderful for you to share this. Perhaps there’s someone reading here who needs an extra bit of hope that letting go of what doesn’t work makes room for better situations–even if it takes two painful go-arounds. Congratulations on your anniversary…I’m so happy for you both!

    1. I always say: if a post can help but one person, I have reached my goal.
      Thanks for the congratulations 🙂

  4. Congratulations and many hugs and I do wonder how you will be rewarded extra for the occasion on top of the infinite happy loop your marriage brings.

  5. Congratulations on your anniversary! I am so happy you found someone you fit with, and extra gigantic kudos to you for taking care of your kids first. You are a beautiful person, inside and out and I wish you and Master T many more wonderful years together! xoxoxox

  6. Many congratulations to you both! Your happiness with Master T shines through in everything you write, and I wish you many more happy years together!

  7. Yay for you being brave enough to divorce – for some reason a lot of people look down on it, and especially with kids involved, it can feel like a failure to those married.

  8. Congratulations to you both on your upcoming 10th anniversary!
    It goes to show we don’t always get it right the first, or even second, time around but I am delighted you found your Man rebel! Hope you celebrate in style.
    kat x

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